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Drama Post?
Apr. 21st, 2015 12:24 amIt's actually been a long time since I've done any real self-loathing or drama posts in here (and for that matter, I've been faring pretty well with regards to my mental integrity away from here, too.)
So this post poses a question I guess, which is a little dramatic I admit. You ever have the feeling that you pretty much just -suck- at -everything- in life?
Maybe not everything - but so many of the things that people are generally pretty decent at, and even some other things, like serious interests. Most people seem to fare a lot better than my self, I feel - of course, disregarding serious outliers and people who simply -can't- function at a level high enough to even have a hope of mastery.
I've spent most of my life, to my recollection, being dwarfed by others in almost every way. I wasn't that good at music - in fact, I would've continued music lessons had a substitute music teacher not completely ruined my self esteem in that regard - I was terrible at sports, with the exception of football - but my school didn't have a team, and by the time I gave it a shot (having to travel to practice about 40 minutes), my peers were a couple years ahead, and were very exclusive and cliquey - you know, I was the outcast, as usual...even if I displayed surprising talent in wide receiver/tight end and quarterback - and I did.
Actually I might've been good at basketball, given my height after puberty, but my heart wasn't in it the year that I was involved in grade school (around 6th grade?) and the coach never played me until the last two minutes of any given game. I hated that, and gave it up. Looking back, at that age, I don't see why he was trying to pick and choose children, instead of giving them all the experience. He wasn't a good coach, or a good role model. Maybe that's a pattern in this neck of the woods - I had plenty of teachers that spent more time drinking in college than studying, too. The irony isn't lost on me that I've had such a terrible time wrapping my head around how to pay for a higher education, when there are so many I've personally known who completely squandered it, and then were allowed to spread their naive perspective to the next generation because they jumped through the proper hoops.
There's only a couple -real- accolades I can think of. I basically won a regional spelling bee without even studying (2nd place, what if I had studied eh?) and as a general rule, I read way ahead of grade level, and impressed teachers with my writing all throughout school and into university. However, as I grew older, I found a lot of my writings and thoughts being looked down on - especially where the world can see them. I can remember more than once being slammed by an English masters holder on here (who now has two masters degrees), and I recall my literature professor telling me that my saving grace was my willingness to change whatever I was writing to fit with what was desired by her. So, scratch that really - if I can't impress someone with a masters degree (and was told that if I didn't pursue further education, I'd probably never amount to much in that regard - and that basically all the masters holders she knew were pretty well ahead of me) and if my writing constantly needs guidance and revision from people "better" than my self, I guess I should assume that it's really not all that great after all. Even with years of reading and writing, both.
I was a sketch artist for much of my youth - my interest falling off only as I began to see how technology was shaping art, and my inability to afford that technology - but as I look back on those sketches, they simply weren't that good. I put countless hours into that pursuit, and my desire began to wane when I pursued electronic music and production instead. I had an eye for detail, which was nice, but my inability to draw faces, hands, and the other -really- difficult aspects of humanoids is what killed it in my heart, I think. Eventually I just started doing really abstract stuff, and avoiding anything with "life" or human traits altogether.
And then there's music. The harshest mistress of them all, I think. So many days pass that I can't even put something coherent together, and that doesn't speak much for all the incoherent bullshit I've put together in the past, which, at the time, seemed pretty damn good. I never really understood why, while writing it, and finishing it, and even self-publishing it, I was always satisfied...but a little while later, I wanted to burn it. The truth is I feel like a very incompetent musician, and I'm not sure anything except for financial or popular success could ever rectify that. I really don't see that in my future (nor do i really desire it all that much) so it's just another one of those fruitless pursuits, or so it appears.
I look to my father, who has mastered so many different trades and crafts in his life, and wonder what the difference was, really. If he could do that, I should have been able to master at least one facet of art, or literature. I should have become competent at something, not just a jack of all trades and a master of nothing. But it seems that is where I've been relegated to - some dark corner of the universe, quiet and peaceful maybe, but utterly obscure.
We'll avoid the other things I suck at - namely, making friends and dealing with stress. I think I've wasted too much of my time worrying about the former especially, in my life already - I am what I am, after all.
So this post poses a question I guess, which is a little dramatic I admit. You ever have the feeling that you pretty much just -suck- at -everything- in life?
Maybe not everything - but so many of the things that people are generally pretty decent at, and even some other things, like serious interests. Most people seem to fare a lot better than my self, I feel - of course, disregarding serious outliers and people who simply -can't- function at a level high enough to even have a hope of mastery.
I've spent most of my life, to my recollection, being dwarfed by others in almost every way. I wasn't that good at music - in fact, I would've continued music lessons had a substitute music teacher not completely ruined my self esteem in that regard - I was terrible at sports, with the exception of football - but my school didn't have a team, and by the time I gave it a shot (having to travel to practice about 40 minutes), my peers were a couple years ahead, and were very exclusive and cliquey - you know, I was the outcast, as usual...even if I displayed surprising talent in wide receiver/tight end and quarterback - and I did.
Actually I might've been good at basketball, given my height after puberty, but my heart wasn't in it the year that I was involved in grade school (around 6th grade?) and the coach never played me until the last two minutes of any given game. I hated that, and gave it up. Looking back, at that age, I don't see why he was trying to pick and choose children, instead of giving them all the experience. He wasn't a good coach, or a good role model. Maybe that's a pattern in this neck of the woods - I had plenty of teachers that spent more time drinking in college than studying, too. The irony isn't lost on me that I've had such a terrible time wrapping my head around how to pay for a higher education, when there are so many I've personally known who completely squandered it, and then were allowed to spread their naive perspective to the next generation because they jumped through the proper hoops.
There's only a couple -real- accolades I can think of. I basically won a regional spelling bee without even studying (2nd place, what if I had studied eh?) and as a general rule, I read way ahead of grade level, and impressed teachers with my writing all throughout school and into university. However, as I grew older, I found a lot of my writings and thoughts being looked down on - especially where the world can see them. I can remember more than once being slammed by an English masters holder on here (who now has two masters degrees), and I recall my literature professor telling me that my saving grace was my willingness to change whatever I was writing to fit with what was desired by her. So, scratch that really - if I can't impress someone with a masters degree (and was told that if I didn't pursue further education, I'd probably never amount to much in that regard - and that basically all the masters holders she knew were pretty well ahead of me) and if my writing constantly needs guidance and revision from people "better" than my self, I guess I should assume that it's really not all that great after all. Even with years of reading and writing, both.
I was a sketch artist for much of my youth - my interest falling off only as I began to see how technology was shaping art, and my inability to afford that technology - but as I look back on those sketches, they simply weren't that good. I put countless hours into that pursuit, and my desire began to wane when I pursued electronic music and production instead. I had an eye for detail, which was nice, but my inability to draw faces, hands, and the other -really- difficult aspects of humanoids is what killed it in my heart, I think. Eventually I just started doing really abstract stuff, and avoiding anything with "life" or human traits altogether.
And then there's music. The harshest mistress of them all, I think. So many days pass that I can't even put something coherent together, and that doesn't speak much for all the incoherent bullshit I've put together in the past, which, at the time, seemed pretty damn good. I never really understood why, while writing it, and finishing it, and even self-publishing it, I was always satisfied...but a little while later, I wanted to burn it. The truth is I feel like a very incompetent musician, and I'm not sure anything except for financial or popular success could ever rectify that. I really don't see that in my future (nor do i really desire it all that much) so it's just another one of those fruitless pursuits, or so it appears.
I look to my father, who has mastered so many different trades and crafts in his life, and wonder what the difference was, really. If he could do that, I should have been able to master at least one facet of art, or literature. I should have become competent at something, not just a jack of all trades and a master of nothing. But it seems that is where I've been relegated to - some dark corner of the universe, quiet and peaceful maybe, but utterly obscure.
We'll avoid the other things I suck at - namely, making friends and dealing with stress. I think I've wasted too much of my time worrying about the former especially, in my life already - I am what I am, after all.
