Drama Post?
Apr. 21st, 2015 12:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorIt's actually been a long time since I've done any real self-loathing or drama posts in here (and for that matter, I've been faring pretty well with regards to my mental integrity away from here, too.)
So this post poses a question I guess, which is a little dramatic I admit. You ever have the feeling that you pretty much just -suck- at -everything- in life?
Maybe not everything - but so many of the things that people are generally pretty decent at, and even some other things, like serious interests. Most people seem to fare a lot better than my self, I feel - of course, disregarding serious outliers and people who simply -can't- function at a level high enough to even have a hope of mastery.
I've spent most of my life, to my recollection, being dwarfed by others in almost every way. I wasn't that good at music - in fact, I would've continued music lessons had a substitute music teacher not completely ruined my self esteem in that regard - I was terrible at sports, with the exception of football - but my school didn't have a team, and by the time I gave it a shot (having to travel to practice about 40 minutes), my peers were a couple years ahead, and were very exclusive and cliquey - you know, I was the outcast, as usual...even if I displayed surprising talent in wide receiver/tight end and quarterback - and I did.
Actually I might've been good at basketball, given my height after puberty, but my heart wasn't in it the year that I was involved in grade school (around 6th grade?) and the coach never played me until the last two minutes of any given game. I hated that, and gave it up. Looking back, at that age, I don't see why he was trying to pick and choose children, instead of giving them all the experience. He wasn't a good coach, or a good role model. Maybe that's a pattern in this neck of the woods - I had plenty of teachers that spent more time drinking in college than studying, too. The irony isn't lost on me that I've had such a terrible time wrapping my head around how to pay for a higher education, when there are so many I've personally known who completely squandered it, and then were allowed to spread their naive perspective to the next generation because they jumped through the proper hoops.
There's only a couple -real- accolades I can think of. I basically won a regional spelling bee without even studying (2nd place, what if I had studied eh?) and as a general rule, I read way ahead of grade level, and impressed teachers with my writing all throughout school and into university. However, as I grew older, I found a lot of my writings and thoughts being looked down on - especially where the world can see them. I can remember more than once being slammed by an English masters holder on here (who now has two masters degrees), and I recall my literature professor telling me that my saving grace was my willingness to change whatever I was writing to fit with what was desired by her. So, scratch that really - if I can't impress someone with a masters degree (and was told that if I didn't pursue further education, I'd probably never amount to much in that regard - and that basically all the masters holders she knew were pretty well ahead of me) and if my writing constantly needs guidance and revision from people "better" than my self, I guess I should assume that it's really not all that great after all. Even with years of reading and writing, both.
I was a sketch artist for much of my youth - my interest falling off only as I began to see how technology was shaping art, and my inability to afford that technology - but as I look back on those sketches, they simply weren't that good. I put countless hours into that pursuit, and my desire began to wane when I pursued electronic music and production instead. I had an eye for detail, which was nice, but my inability to draw faces, hands, and the other -really- difficult aspects of humanoids is what killed it in my heart, I think. Eventually I just started doing really abstract stuff, and avoiding anything with "life" or human traits altogether.
And then there's music. The harshest mistress of them all, I think. So many days pass that I can't even put something coherent together, and that doesn't speak much for all the incoherent bullshit I've put together in the past, which, at the time, seemed pretty damn good. I never really understood why, while writing it, and finishing it, and even self-publishing it, I was always satisfied...but a little while later, I wanted to burn it. The truth is I feel like a very incompetent musician, and I'm not sure anything except for financial or popular success could ever rectify that. I really don't see that in my future (nor do i really desire it all that much) so it's just another one of those fruitless pursuits, or so it appears.
I look to my father, who has mastered so many different trades and crafts in his life, and wonder what the difference was, really. If he could do that, I should have been able to master at least one facet of art, or literature. I should have become competent at something, not just a jack of all trades and a master of nothing. But it seems that is where I've been relegated to - some dark corner of the universe, quiet and peaceful maybe, but utterly obscure.
We'll avoid the other things I suck at - namely, making friends and dealing with stress. I think I've wasted too much of my time worrying about the former especially, in my life already - I am what I am, after all.
So this post poses a question I guess, which is a little dramatic I admit. You ever have the feeling that you pretty much just -suck- at -everything- in life?
Maybe not everything - but so many of the things that people are generally pretty decent at, and even some other things, like serious interests. Most people seem to fare a lot better than my self, I feel - of course, disregarding serious outliers and people who simply -can't- function at a level high enough to even have a hope of mastery.
I've spent most of my life, to my recollection, being dwarfed by others in almost every way. I wasn't that good at music - in fact, I would've continued music lessons had a substitute music teacher not completely ruined my self esteem in that regard - I was terrible at sports, with the exception of football - but my school didn't have a team, and by the time I gave it a shot (having to travel to practice about 40 minutes), my peers were a couple years ahead, and were very exclusive and cliquey - you know, I was the outcast, as usual...even if I displayed surprising talent in wide receiver/tight end and quarterback - and I did.
Actually I might've been good at basketball, given my height after puberty, but my heart wasn't in it the year that I was involved in grade school (around 6th grade?) and the coach never played me until the last two minutes of any given game. I hated that, and gave it up. Looking back, at that age, I don't see why he was trying to pick and choose children, instead of giving them all the experience. He wasn't a good coach, or a good role model. Maybe that's a pattern in this neck of the woods - I had plenty of teachers that spent more time drinking in college than studying, too. The irony isn't lost on me that I've had such a terrible time wrapping my head around how to pay for a higher education, when there are so many I've personally known who completely squandered it, and then were allowed to spread their naive perspective to the next generation because they jumped through the proper hoops.
There's only a couple -real- accolades I can think of. I basically won a regional spelling bee without even studying (2nd place, what if I had studied eh?) and as a general rule, I read way ahead of grade level, and impressed teachers with my writing all throughout school and into university. However, as I grew older, I found a lot of my writings and thoughts being looked down on - especially where the world can see them. I can remember more than once being slammed by an English masters holder on here (who now has two masters degrees), and I recall my literature professor telling me that my saving grace was my willingness to change whatever I was writing to fit with what was desired by her. So, scratch that really - if I can't impress someone with a masters degree (and was told that if I didn't pursue further education, I'd probably never amount to much in that regard - and that basically all the masters holders she knew were pretty well ahead of me) and if my writing constantly needs guidance and revision from people "better" than my self, I guess I should assume that it's really not all that great after all. Even with years of reading and writing, both.
I was a sketch artist for much of my youth - my interest falling off only as I began to see how technology was shaping art, and my inability to afford that technology - but as I look back on those sketches, they simply weren't that good. I put countless hours into that pursuit, and my desire began to wane when I pursued electronic music and production instead. I had an eye for detail, which was nice, but my inability to draw faces, hands, and the other -really- difficult aspects of humanoids is what killed it in my heart, I think. Eventually I just started doing really abstract stuff, and avoiding anything with "life" or human traits altogether.
And then there's music. The harshest mistress of them all, I think. So many days pass that I can't even put something coherent together, and that doesn't speak much for all the incoherent bullshit I've put together in the past, which, at the time, seemed pretty damn good. I never really understood why, while writing it, and finishing it, and even self-publishing it, I was always satisfied...but a little while later, I wanted to burn it. The truth is I feel like a very incompetent musician, and I'm not sure anything except for financial or popular success could ever rectify that. I really don't see that in my future (nor do i really desire it all that much) so it's just another one of those fruitless pursuits, or so it appears.
I look to my father, who has mastered so many different trades and crafts in his life, and wonder what the difference was, really. If he could do that, I should have been able to master at least one facet of art, or literature. I should have become competent at something, not just a jack of all trades and a master of nothing. But it seems that is where I've been relegated to - some dark corner of the universe, quiet and peaceful maybe, but utterly obscure.
We'll avoid the other things I suck at - namely, making friends and dealing with stress. I think I've wasted too much of my time worrying about the former especially, in my life already - I am what I am, after all.
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no subject
Date: 2015-04-21 08:35 pm (UTC)Oh well! I've got more stuff going on now, but will try to get back and re-post later this evening. Hang in there; hope you're having a good day!
no subject
Date: 2015-04-22 06:17 am (UTC)Hope you're having some good days, too
Part 1
Date: 2015-04-23 11:23 pm (UTC)"You ever have the feeling that you pretty much just -suck- at -everything- in life?"
Everybody has that, dearheart. Well, everybody but rampaging sociopaths, who think they're superior to everyone else.
You were a bright, talented, highly-sensitive, socially-challenged child in a poor school district. Such children often don't fare very well, but you wouldn't necessarily have fared any better in a better, more competitive school. In any case, your public-school days are long over - aren't you coming up on your 10-year high school reunion pretty soon? - so whether they were good or bad is no longer all that pertinent. You were a child then, and thought as a child - now you're a man, and it's time to put away childish things, such as blaming your teachers for your feelings.
What comes through most (to me) in your post here is the impression that you spent much of your youth ascribing Authoritah to people who had no legitimate claim to it, and letting their opinions matter more to you than your own. "I would've continued music lessons had a substitute music teacher not completely ruined my self esteem in that regard." Really? A substitute, not even your regular teacher, completely ruined your self-esteem in, what, one day? Or did you already have the 'I'm Not Good Enough' life-script going?
School sports, meh. Except for the tiny minority of people who go on to play professionally, none of those chase-the-ball team sports mean a damn thing once one is out of school. Yeah, you might have been good at this sport or that sport if you'd had more encouragement, or you might not have been, and either way, it would not matter now.
Many precocious readers and writers enjoy great deal of success in school - especially in the early grades - because they're more advanced than their age-mates, but then are discouraged later, when their age-mates start catching up. Praising children for what comes easy to them makes children who give up easily when a task is difficult or requires sustained effort. Unfortunately, you started school during the 'Everyone Is Special' era of education, when pupils were given smiley stickers and gold stars just for showing up, so you probably got a very unrealistic idea of both your own abilities, and those of the other kids.
"if I can't impress someone with a masters degree (and was told that if I didn't pursue further education, I'd probably never amount to much in that regard - and that basically all the masters holders she knew were pretty well ahead of me) and if my writing constantly needs guidance and revision from people "better" than my self, I guess I should assume that it's really not all that great after all. "
Well THAT's a lot of hooey! Srsly, young Jedi, you think having a M.A. is such-a-much? Grad school is "the last refuge of the incompetent" - with sufficient funds and/or grants, a person can stay in it indefinitely, collecting degrees and - most importantly - avoiding the scary Real World of job interviews. The world is full of people with M.A.s who couldn't manage an espresso stand, or get an Amusing Anecdote published in The Reader's Digest.
Re: Part 1
Date: 2015-04-29 04:34 pm (UTC)'Tis true - I'm not a child anymore. Some of those experiences weigh heavily on me though, and some of them continue to repeat (the social ostracising has a tendency to, and there's no way I couldn't have gotten somewhat better at being normal compared to my awkward childhood.) As for the music substitute, actually, it was because the primary teacher left to move to Europe - he was an awesome person, the kind of person you wouldn't expect in a poor public school. I suppose that's one of the reasons he left. He felt I was progressing fine, while the semi-permanent sub felt I wasn't improving or doing anything right. I put up with it for awhile, but not for long - I think I left a lesson crying at one point. But hey, I probably still write better music than he does :P
So yeah, this was my wank session I guess, and I apologize for you having to read it, heh.
I always felt that way about higher level degree holders - not that some of them aren't brilliant - but that so much prestige is laid on their shoulders for little more than the money they invested. However, in this case, the lady referenced was quite intelligent (albeit a number of years ahead of me) so it made it a bit difficult to just shrug it off. There's definitely comment arguments back in time in this journal, somewhere.
As always, I can't find fault in any of your arguments so I have to agree :) The weather here has been beautiful, too - today is already 70 degrees and sunny. Dad has been having do a lot more around the property as well, which is a nice change of pace. For years I wasn't asked to do much, which meant I really didn't learn anything.
Re: Part 1
Date: 2015-04-29 11:28 pm (UTC)I think the bad parts of childhood continue to weigh heavily on most people too - particularly on the highly-sensitive, which you and I both are. Being highly sensitive means that one has more need for 'mental hygeine' than most people, because holding on to bad stuff is going to hurt more.
*wry grin*Some time I'll tell you about my 5 year battle with Mr. K., the despotic, apoplectic little spit-fuck of a musical martinet who was our regional orchestra director. I had to take private lessons from him.... grr! I don't lack the fire; I would have been glad to tie him to a stake and fiddle while he burned. Not to get off on a rant...
Don't apologize for wank, dearheart. You're part of the reason I left mine up; so you (and some other people) could see you're not the only one who has this stuff. It's no thang, right? Sometimes typing a bit of wank is the most expedient way to get it out of one's system - especially if one reads it over and says "Oh wow, what a lot of wank."
Some high-level degree-holders are brilliant in lots of ways; some are only brilliant in their particular field; some aren't notably brilliant in anything; some are frickin' idiots. The same is true of non-degree-holders. Most of the people I knew back East had degrees (or were working toward them) whereas most of the people I know in the West don't have them - the difference isn't in ability, but in opportunity.
Consider: lots of high-achieving people are high achievers because they're highly anxious and competitive. They don't just want to be the best they personally can be; they crave to be better than other people. Some of them therefore snark other people, put them down, discourage them with faint praise - especially people they see as potential competition. Both Academia and the arts are full of student-eating egotists; one has to watch out, and not wear one's heart on one's sleeve.
LOL, what?! someone has no fault to find in any of my arguments?!?! Knock me over with a feather, young Jedi; do you know how seldom that happens? *hugs* You really are a jewel among proteges, y'know.
Huzzah for beautiful weather and yard work! Nice for you and your Dad both, that you've got time right now to help him do all the stuff. It's already full Spring moving rapidly into full Summer here; I'll be spending the evening on the lawnmower. This weekend is Maypole Faire, our first camping event of the season - LOL, good thing I never unpacked my trunk last Fall; all my camping gear is still in there, all ready to roll.
*hugs* Happy Beltaine!
Part 2
Date: 2015-04-23 11:24 pm (UTC)A lot of people want to be writers. Often what they really want is a way to make a living that doesn't require holding a job or dealing with other people. Fair enough, but being a writer is not so simple. If you ARE a writer, you not only have to actually write - you have to put continual effort into learning to write better.
If you're writing for publication, then yes, you will always need editors and beta-readers. It's not that they're "better" than you - it's that they're not you. The main problem with a lot of self-published stuff is that the writers never got any second opinions on what worked or didn't work in a piece, so even if there are some very good parts, there's also way too much 'meh'. The classic Most Important Advice To Young Writers is "Learn to take criticism without taking it personally" - if you ARE a writer, then take that advice, and it will make you a better writer.
"my interest falling off only as I began to see how technology was shaping art, and my inability to afford that technology"
Nope nope. ALL the people I know who actually make a living from their art (and there are quite a few; this region is seriously arts-focused) are doing it without technology. Watercolors, oil paints, plain old Crayola colored pencils (which are actually superior to the pricey kind.)
As for the ability to draw hands, faces, etc. - I can't draw them either, but then, I have never gotten a library book on the subject and tried to teach myself, or watched any of the zillion instructional videos on the subject. Have you? Success in art is more a matter of technique than of 'talent', and technique has to be studied and practiced.
"The truth is I feel like a very incompetent musician, and I'm not sure anything except for financial or popular success could ever rectify that."
Well... money is the sincerest form of flattery, innit? But to get financial and/or popular success as a musician requires a hell of a lot more than being a 'competent musician,' or even an outstanding musician. Most of the things it requires are things you don't want to have to learn to do - such as submitting your work to harsh professional criticism, marketing it aggressively to your potential fan-base, dealing with contract law.
That's fine; I don't blame you a bit, because I don't want to do those things either. I'm a very competent musician - even outstanding, on my good days - but I only want to play music, and I'd just as soon play it on a deserted beach as play it on stage at Faire.
Part 3
Date: 2015-04-23 11:26 pm (UTC)Ask him, maybe. I'd surmise that part of the difference is that he's twice your age. When he was the age you are now, he might not have known any more than you do now. A lot of people don't really 'buckle down' to life until they're in their 30's - that's when the realization really seeps in that childhood is over, youth is fleeting, and there will be no 're-do' options on anything ever. If you start working now, and don't let yourself be derailed by negativity, you could equal or surpass your father by the time you're his age.
You haven't been 'relegated' anywhere, dearheart, and your pretty little American town is hardly a 'dark corner of the universe'. You're a lot freer than many people of your age and background to go somewhere else, do other things, re-invent your entire life if you so choose.
The vast majority of people who've ever lived have lived in 'total obscurity' - nobody but their families, friends and neighbors knew them; their names never got in the newspapers, let alone the history books. Even some of the truly great: Loren Eiseley, for example. Sure, you can Google him now, but did you ever hear his name in school, or on TV, let alone read any of his incredible writing? He was practically unknown to the general populace in his lifetime, and he's still mostly unknown even now, but... well, check him out. Start with The Night Country; it will change you.
Making friends and dealing with stress are also on-going learning processes. If you're not satisfied with how well you do them, you can study and practice the skills to do them better, and not give up when it's hard or tedious, or when results are not as quick or dramatic as you'd hoped.
"I am what I am, after all."
What you are is the Master of your fate, the Captain of your soul, the Reigning Adult in charge of your unique and finite life. What you do is, therefore, your choice. Often when people say "I am what I am", what they mean is "I am unwilling to change". But it doesn't matter, because they will change. Sadly, change for the better is difficult, while change for the worse happens automatically if one does nothing to oppose it.
How do you want to change? I don't mean external stuff like what kind of job and/or career, or having a girlfriend, or being told by other people that your work is good. All those are 'ends'; I'm asking about 'means' - what kind of changes in your own mind and character are you endeavoring to make? (As an example, a thing I'm working on a lot lately is listening patiently and answering moderately, neither of which come naturally to me. Things that come naturally, I don't need to work on.)
Long reply is long again; I'd better post it before I lose it all again. *hugs hugs* Be well!