(no subject)

I'm feeling a multitude of emotions all at once and it's rather painful actually...I'm happy because i had some of the most fun i've had in a long time last night while partying. I went mudding with a totally sloshed driver in the back of a truck, lost my knife, found it after checking three times in the back of the truck, got a ride downtown at about 2:30am with another sloshed driver (kick ass music too, i think it was Linkin Park live) hopped out with my friend, and we stumbled around town till around 4:30am, and during that time we jumped in the river (that had to of been the best park of the night, it was like every cell on my body exploded when i jumped in the first time). Then we went back to his place and crashed listening to goo goo dolls and i woke up at about 8:30 because my sis was picking me up. So now i'm back home, and still drunk (I killed half a case to myself). And i finally figured something out. When you're drunk, you're only stupid to everyone around you. I can think perfectly fine and understand every word i say while i'm drunk, but people who are sober for some reason can't understand my speech. rather strange. And with weed i think it's the opposite. You feel stupid and cannot think yet sound normal even when you think your not.

The other emotions i'm feeling include: feeling like i've had something stabbed in my heart (two reasons for that one), depressed because of the fact i feel like i have something stabbed in my heart, Sad because the music i was listening to last night at my friends house reminded me of so many good times that will not /ever/ happen again, pissed because somehow i lost my sharktooth necklace (i had it on and all of a sudden it was gone), and that feeling of pointlessness still lingers...ahh well. If i died today it wouldn't matter sooner or later to anyone. -waves- i've written enough.

Two in a day...

The depressive emotions took over not too long ago. What the hell is wrong with me, why do i have to hate everything about my life even though it's not so bad, the home atleast. Why do i feel alone when i do have those that care about me...even if they are online friends. And why do i continually long for something more, and why do i want to go home when i don't know where home is. Those questions will never be answered.

Who am i? I'm jake mickelson right? The kid who was always the smart one, everyone wanted to copy off his work at school and he hated his 'friends' because all they did was torture him with words that hurt more than a blade. The adolescent that suddenly figured out that there was more to life than just living and was able to think at a level that isn't reached by most at the age of 11. The teenager who wishes he could live somewhere else, because the place he lives in hates him and he hates it. The teenager that drinks to relieve the pressure from constantly analyzing things and the pressure from knowing that when it comes down to it everything in life is pointless. The teenager who wants to find a way out when there is only one at the moment.

What am i? I'm human...physically. What am i mentally? I don't know. Either i'm just like everyone else and i want to feel special because i've been hurt so much or i truly am different in the head, a freak of nature.

Why am i here? Because my parents decided to have a second kid, and it just happened to be male and be me.

Was i destined to be this way? Doubtful. But i cannot change the past so i cannot prove that.

Where am i going? A question i cannot answer yet.

When am i going to die? Whenever i decide to kill myself or when the world works correctly so that i am killed.

Am i pitiful and weak? Yes. I feel as though i cannot continue to exist when it shouldn't even matter...i shouldn't even care because it doesn't matter.

"Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"