The Quiet

[sathor]

I bought a couple books last week that Elenbarathi suggested I read - one is "Quiet" and the other is on sensory defensiveness (which I basically guarantee I deal with - especially in loud social gatherings with lots of people, or even in some workplaces I've dealt with.)

I read the introduction to Quiet today, which has sparked some thoughts - especially on that family gathering a couple weeks ago, where three of my cousins, and one of my aunts, had something negative to say about my reserved, introspective demeanor. This is all quite interesting because there was an hour long conversation I had with a soon-to-be-married non-blood-relative in the middle of everyone on some various philosophers and societal issues. But even with that, they all seemed to think I was way too quiet (and Gabriel said at one point, "Don't go bitching about how your life is if this is the way you are. You deserve it.") So mkay. Here's some thoughts based on that:

I. I don't think i ever bitched to Gabriel, or really, to anyone in that family (my mother's side.) Even during my darkest times in the past four years, I've kept those feelings primarily to my self.

II. Is there a good, moral or ethical reason that I should be shamed for being the person I am - for being quiet and introspective? I do my best at infrequent gatherings but I run out of steam after a few hours. That seems totally normal to me. If one out of every two/three people are introverts, how is it that people aren't more familiar with how they are? Or are they simply choosing to point me out and ignoring the other people who fit this description? (or WORSE - do they treat all of these people this way? Shame them? Shun them? Mistreat them?)

III. If I am (and I am) somewhat quiet, reserved, and introspective, is that a reason to deserve having been treated the way I've been treated? Or is the way I've been treated more a less a symptom of a society (not OF ME) that puts extroversion, willingness to "blend" and having a social life that takes up all of our time first, and high above introverted tendencies? Is it the result of a society that has made introversion synonymous with mental disorders?

Reading this book I guess is triggering some things in me unfortunately. But this whole introversion/shaming thing has continued bothering me since it happened, for whatever reason - seems I have no real recourse, and of course, these extroverts will go happily (and maybe naively) on. They of course are not beacons of happiness and have never been - they've all a long slew of negativity and bad decisions with (maybe) the exception of my aunt.

I tried to extend a hand of greeting by getting both Johnathan's and Gabriel's numbers the other day, but my inquiries were met with dead silence. The former one I was around off and on since he moved back a few years ago - I was one of the best men in his last wedding. At one of his birthday parties two years ago, I was around a bunch of his acquaintances (these weren't friends) and almost got into a fight over my "quietness." That was kinda my last straw with his circles. I actually find it slightly insane people could be that herd-minded/ridiculous, but something tells me that it was partially my fault for even sticking around those people as long as I did. My radar needs some work.

-sigh- Long stories shorted, blah blah...I'm just starting to think these people aren't people I need in my life - at least not right now - and it's that simple. I don't have replacements for them, and my list of people I'm close with grows shorter everyday it seems - but that's something I need to be able to deal with.

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of a post I saw today:

" Some people assume I am quiet, boring, or shy, without ever realizing that I just don't like them."
--GSElevator

It sounds to me like certain of your relatives bully you just because they can, and your quietness is just a convenient pretext. Obviously, there's no good, moral reason that anyone should be bullied, but bullies are not concerned with either ethics or rationality. Probably the real source of their ire is not that you're quiet, but that you're smarter than they are: "an hour-long conversation on philosophers and social issues" - and they can't stand that, so they have to "take you down a peg" to avoid feeling inferior.

Suppose you were to cheerfully say "Oh, bite me, Gabriel", or "Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, than open it and remove all doubt", or otherwise present a demeanor of amused unconcern when they start this crap? There are lots of sites on adult bullying - I would suggest looking through some of them, and planning some strategies for dealing with this kind of bullshit before the next family gathering.

Since these folk are family members, you do need them in your life to some extent, but you don't need to hang out with them outside of the obligatory holidays and such. It's no good trying to be close with people who treat you poorly. As for finding replacements - when you're ready to start building a circle of friends of better character and intellect, go volunteer some place, because that's where you'll find them: doing useful work, accomplishing things. The people who devote all their free time to drinking, gaming and hooking up are not worth bothering with, nor are the ones who think of nothing but acquiring wealth and possessions.

There's a difference between being an introvert, being highly sensitive, having social anxiety and having poor social skills, even though all of these often go together. Introversion is a basic trait, probably inborn; there's no way to change it even if one wanted to. However, it's possible to learn to work around one's sensitivities, decrease one's anxieties and improve one's skills, all of which will make Interacting With Hoomans less stressful and more rewarding.

Hoomans in general, at least. Maybe not your relatives. You know what they say, "Blood is thicker than water, but you can't drink it." My relatives used to bully the heck out of me, but now that I don't see them any more, I miss them, and I wish I'd found better ways of coping with them. So I would say, don't kick yours out of your life, but don't just accept being bullied as your family role either; find a middle path.

*hugs hugs* Easy to say, hard to do; I know.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

From what I've read so far, I can say this:

I pretty much check off "yes" on every check box in the introduction for introverts. There are occasional exceptions but...99% yes.

Yeah, i'm sure I'm a combination of introvert (certainly that) and social anxiety/poor social skills. I sometimes question the latter - I feel like I'm a rather skilled conversationalist when I have something to say, and a good listener, but start adding more than one or two people and distractions and overstimulation and my brain basically shuts off - i can't keep up with that much. I think that's undeniable. S'why any way to "dull the senses" actually helps me to be a little more open. I'd really like to figure out how to do that, or better filter my senses, without the use of drugs (mainly alcohol) though. (and I have to believe anti-anxiety medication functions something like that, as well.) Alcohol lowers inhibitions and that's great, but there's other issues with it, like the fact I tend to lose some tact and might even get a little rough around the edges (not mean or violent, just saying insensitive things or picking a little TOO hard on people occasionally.)

Maybe I should've been a little more aggressive in response - I guess it's just not really in my nature. But you're right, I may not have a choice but to be.

While I did consider the possibility of just avoiding these family engagements in the future, I think you're probably right - in the long run, better if I can find ways of avoiding this or counter-acting it, then just writing them off forever. Nobody's perfect, everyone has bad days, and I can't expect everyone to be a bright, loving, caring person every day...either.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad you're finding that book helpful! Being an introvert is no better or worse than being an extrovert; both have their advantages and disadvantages.

None of those check-box tests ever work very well for me. I think I'm more of an introvert than an extrovert for the most part, because I have a strong need for solitude, but on the other hand, I also have a strong need for interaction, and there have been periods in my life when I've been extremely socially active.

I like one-on-one conversation best, but I don't mind talking with several people at once, if they're polite and respectful. I loathe 'competitive conversation', where everyone interrupts, derails, one-ups and 'zings' everyone else. "Excuse me, I'll be in the upstairs bathroom, reading War And Peace."

You're so right; alcohol only makes such occasions more difficult - especially when everybody's drinking it, and some are drinking more than they ought to due to the stress. Alcohol is great for loosening one up a little (just a little) in safe, relaxed, fun situations, but it's not great for annoying or anxiety-provoking situations where one has to be careful not to say the wrong thing.

Possibly your cousin Gabriel also finds family gatherings very stressful, and doesn't mean to be so tactless or provocative, but picks on you too hard out of his own awkwardness and discomfort. As you will have noticed, most people haven't committed to a path of self-awareness, and thus really have no idea why they do what they do, let alone why anyone else does anything.

It seems to me that what's called for is not being more aggressive per se, but being more secure in yourself, so your self-esteem is not dependent on how others behave toward you from moment to moment. I know, it's hard to get to that point with one's relatives - I heard a quote once from a Buddhist Master, "Think you're enlightened? Go and live with your family."

Fortunately, you don't have to live with your cousins; you just have to get along with them for the duration of these get-togethers. Humor will help a lot. Not taking the bait will help. Reminding yourself that the opinions of ass-hats are mere ass-hat opinions will help. It doesn't sound like your cousins have a lot of room to talk about other peoples' lives, but you needn't tell them that; it's enough to tell yourself. But remember also that, ass-hats or no, they're still your family, and probably quite fond of you, however irritating you all may find each other at times.

I highly recommend Mack's Pillow-Soft silicone earplugs - I used to wear them at family dinners, because otherwise a dozen people around the table were just too loud, and I always wear them to movies in the theatre. They don't show, and unlike regular earplugs, they don't go inside the ear canal (which I hate) - they just block it from outside.

For all anxiety-inducing situations, Chi breathing will help. I think I told you about this technique before - I learned it from a Chinese healer years ago, and it's one of the most useful techniques I know:

Breathe in through the nose 'as if smelling a flower' for a slow count of six. Pause.
Breathe out through the nose to a slow count of six. Pause. Repeat.

...it sounds absurdly simple, but it's astonishingly effective, and the more you practice it, the better it works. I suggest practicing it any time you're feeling a little jangly or agitated, but also when you're already relaxed, like when you're getting ready to go to sleep.

You may also want to practice maintaining a warm and serene demeanor - keeping your body language relaxed, open and upright; maintaining an interested and amiable facial expression; listening attentively and responding non-verbally; staying present in the moment. It's all too easy, when running low on spoons, to start slumping, curling inward, going wooden-faced and leaden-voiced, 'turning invisible'.... when that starts happening, it's time to go upstairs and read a few pages of War And Peace. ^^

[sathor.livejournal.com]

S'all good advice here, I think. Thank you :)

On the Chi Breathing - I'm not sure you ever mentioned it to me - if you did, I missed it or forgot about it. Of course breathing completely through my nose is actually rather difficult - I don't think I have a deviated septum, but it's always been prohibitively blocked off. However since reading your comment, I've been trying to be more mindful - according to some more reading I did, if you keep practicing nose-breathing it can help open the pathways up more. I've always been a mouth breather - heh - even as a kid. When I meditated a lot as a teenager, I did practice certain types of nose-breathing, though. It never became habit - not sure if it ever will, but maybe.

The body language thing is difficult. Sometimes I find myself being very non-verbally expressive but it depends on the person I'm dealing with, the things they are saying, how many spoons I have, etc. etc. But you remind me that maybe I need to be a little more mindful of it. Maybe if I can be more nonverbally active, I won't necessarily need to think so much on what I need to say (or even say a lot), and inevitably, end up incredibly quiet.

The book is helpful - I'm about a third of the way through it now - but I alternate from having my rage induced to feeling good about being an introvert. When Cain goes into how society is being set up today (workplace teams, a lack of private space, universities rejecting pure intellectuals for those with extreme extroverted qualities, leaders and managers being expected to be extroverted) I get angry, because not only do I know this is a fact, but it's a fact that feels oppressive. I know in reading it now that those things are part of the reason I've ALWAYS felt oppressed. At the end of the day though, I don't think there's anything to be done about it - this is the trend. It might run it's course, or introverts might actually be worked out of the gene pool eventually. Who knows. (And yeah, I do believe introverts are far less likely to get wed/have children - and in my case, that's not necessarily something I appreciate, although I'm sure some introverts are totally okay with that.)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! *hugs* The part about 'as if smelling a flower' will help open up your nasal passages. There is actual science behind why Chi breathing works; it triggers the release of certain neurotransmitters.

A useful exercise to counteract mouth-breathing is practicing yawning with your mouth closed - LOL, also useful when one is bored at a social gathering! I have heard that the Navaho trained their young men to run with a mouthful of water, so they could only breathe through their noses - that might be something to try; perhaps while just walking at first. I walk while playing the pennywhistle, which means I'm breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth - you'd probably enjoy that more than walking around with a mouthful of water.

One of the greatest 'lightbulb over the head' moments of my youth came when I first read Dale Carnegie. I'd felt so 'cornered' in conversations because someone would ask a question, and I'd answer, and they'd ask another, and I'd answer, and they'd ask another.... argh! But it was because I wasn't asking them any. All I had to do to stop the interrogation was to get them talking about something they wanted to talk about. What a revelation that was; what a relief! So I practiced the Art of the Open-Ended Question, and it's made my life so much easier.

You've always felt oppressed because you've always been oppressed, young Jedi. But that doesn't mean the extroverts are doing much better - just like the fact that women are oppressed doesn't mean men aren't oppressed too; just in different ways. The current system in this country is set up to exploit and oppress 99% of us; nobody's getting a fair deal here.

There are some things to be done about it. You will always be an introvert, but you don't have to be a bullied, marginalized, unhappy introvert. There are zillions of books and other resources to help you learn to cope with difficult people and claim your own place in the world.

Introverts won't be worked out of the gene pool, even if 'introversion' is mostly genetically determined (which hasn't been established.) Consider: homosexuality hasn't been worked out, despite the fact that gay and lesbian people don't have many kids - possibly because having a homosexual sibling is advantageous. Consider also, that those who have only one or two children later in life frequently are able to confer many more advantages on them than those who crank out a whole litter in their early 20's.