(no subject)

[sathor]

I've really thrown in the towel on this life thing. I have zero energy left to expend in trying to fix any of it, and considering the amount of effort I have put in over the years, it was all meaningless to begin with.

I am not attractive enough to generate any kind of interest out of the opposite sex.

I am not popular enough, or interesting enough, to generate friendship. And of course, those play a role in fucking relationships, too.

How wonderful a feeling it is, to find the one in a thousand people you connect with occasionally, and they have no fucking interest in you.

It's all meaningless shit. I hate society.

Comments

[sathor.livejournal.com]

If only it were that simple, really. Why does it make any sense, that things would improve if I left? I'm just not comprehending the logic here. Yes, there are more people in cities. But the stratification is about the same. Compounding this issue is that the only people I have left in this life are my /family/. I'm not sure people really understand this concept. My family is pretty much the only reason I'm still with the living, why the hell would I walk away from this, it's all I have?

For a long time I tried to convince myself, yeah, it's this place. It's not this place, it's me, I don't fucking like people and it's because they have systematically taken from me just about every semblance of happiness I ever fucking had, and really, no, I never did - they treated me like dirt even when I was a small child, and much of what they had to say about me had to deal with my physical characteristic, and they have not improved. There's no /fixing/ it. This life is a waking nightmare and the people in it, male and female both, fucking disgust me, man. I can't handle it anymore. Going to a city where I have to deal with even more of them seems completely counter-intuitive, not to mention the greater the number of people, the greater perceived notion of "finding mr. right" well, I don't fit anyone's fucking definition of that. There's a reason girlfriends never took pictures with me or flaunted their relationship with me, it's because /I am not a desirable person/ and I /never have been/.

Women are not fucking receptive to me. Not in the slightest. You aren't in my shoes, I don't expect you to understand. It's not confidence, it's fucking appearance. Everyone responds to appearance. That's the way the world works.

You could argue until you are blue in the face, that yes, confidence, taking initiative, all these bullshit masculine delusions somehow constitute what I lack, but it is not these things at all. I simply am who I am, I am not forward, and I see no reason to be when I get no indications of any kind of positive feedback from anyone I come in contact with, ever.

I don't even want to talk about it, I really don't. It's just a terrible thing and it's my burden to bear, no one else's.

It probably would not be untrue for me to say that I burden people with my existence, because the human race as a whole would much prefer perfection and they choose their partners based on this in any case. That is fucking genetic warfare.