(no subject)

[sathor]

I've really thrown in the towel on this life thing. I have zero energy left to expend in trying to fix any of it, and considering the amount of effort I have put in over the years, it was all meaningless to begin with.

I am not attractive enough to generate any kind of interest out of the opposite sex.

I am not popular enough, or interesting enough, to generate friendship. And of course, those play a role in fucking relationships, too.

How wonderful a feeling it is, to find the one in a thousand people you connect with occasionally, and they have no fucking interest in you.

It's all meaningless shit. I hate society.

Comments

[sathor.livejournal.com]

If only it were that simple, really. Why does it make any sense, that things would improve if I left? I'm just not comprehending the logic here. Yes, there are more people in cities. But the stratification is about the same. Compounding this issue is that the only people I have left in this life are my /family/. I'm not sure people really understand this concept. My family is pretty much the only reason I'm still with the living, why the hell would I walk away from this, it's all I have?

For a long time I tried to convince myself, yeah, it's this place. It's not this place, it's me, I don't fucking like people and it's because they have systematically taken from me just about every semblance of happiness I ever fucking had, and really, no, I never did - they treated me like dirt even when I was a small child, and much of what they had to say about me had to deal with my physical characteristic, and they have not improved. There's no /fixing/ it. This life is a waking nightmare and the people in it, male and female both, fucking disgust me, man. I can't handle it anymore. Going to a city where I have to deal with even more of them seems completely counter-intuitive, not to mention the greater the number of people, the greater perceived notion of "finding mr. right" well, I don't fit anyone's fucking definition of that. There's a reason girlfriends never took pictures with me or flaunted their relationship with me, it's because /I am not a desirable person/ and I /never have been/.

Women are not fucking receptive to me. Not in the slightest. You aren't in my shoes, I don't expect you to understand. It's not confidence, it's fucking appearance. Everyone responds to appearance. That's the way the world works.

You could argue until you are blue in the face, that yes, confidence, taking initiative, all these bullshit masculine delusions somehow constitute what I lack, but it is not these things at all. I simply am who I am, I am not forward, and I see no reason to be when I get no indications of any kind of positive feedback from anyone I come in contact with, ever.

I don't even want to talk about it, I really don't. It's just a terrible thing and it's my burden to bear, no one else's.

It probably would not be untrue for me to say that I burden people with my existence, because the human race as a whole would much prefer perfection and they choose their partners based on this in any case. That is fucking genetic warfare.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

And to take it just a little further, okay.

Understand that there is a reason for everything. There is a reason I have been ostracized since youth, because the majority human race desires my nonexistence, this is not paranoia, this is the only fucking satisfactory conclusion possible. Not only do they collectively not want me to have children, they collectively want me to cease to exist. I am a danger to this ignorant system that has developed over thousands of years as a result of survival instinct and social evolution. By all means it makes about zero sense that I in my form came to exist at all, inside of a system not designed to produce me - it is beyond my comprehension how this is possible.

I once prided myself on the very characteristics that have essentially /destroyed/ my life in ever way shape and form. Being intelligent is not positive, it only further removes you from society and happiness. Being spiritual is not positive, it only makes you appear irrational to the modern intellect. Being reserved, and teaching myself to treat people, especially women, as "equals" and as intellectual stimulus, instead of learning how to engage them sexually and acting like a complete douche bag liar/story teller to entertain them, has only served to make me completely unattractive and undesirable.

The "cult of personality"

[sathor.livejournal.com]

And...yeah, I remember my youth, and there were some parts of it that were a hell of a lot better than this. But you know what? Life just isn't what it's cracked up to be. People expect the world out of me and always have. And it's because I lack in nearly every respect that the world /actually desires/ out of a person.

People only respect you, want you around, when you have something they want, or you provide them with a benefit. Otherwise you are a waste of time. So understand that, being that I have essentially zero social status because of my appearance and popularity, because I have a very "different" personality, it is expected that I be perfect in nearly every other regard to make up for these deficiencies...and I simply am not capable of that.

I still have my money, and I don't intend to stop saving. But it is getting far too late in the hour of my life to say, I'm fucking done with this job that pays better than probably anything else I will ever find. There is no reason to believe the social world will treat me any different anywhere else, because it never really has. The only places that it would, would be places where other people are desperate for connection. The only places like that, are seasonal job spots. And those people all disappear to their respective homelands after the season is over, back to normal life. To them, friendship in a place like that is in passing - and there's no social status to be gained or lost. But it is only temporary, anyway.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I responded in another post. It went over the character limit for comments. It's a very convoluted response but whatever, I explain it at the end of the post.