Hmm

[sathor]

My sister said something that kinda shed some light on everything.

According to her she has a hard time talking to me. Not surprising at all, really. And I think this is a big reason why I don't "play well with others."

Not saying we have much in common - we don't, at all. But she's family for crying out loud, and evidently I don't even manage to mesh well with my own family.

For whatever reason I lack whatever basic capacity it is of dealing with people -usually-

This isn't always the case but it is often enough to make me the stereotypical loner and I think I'm going to have to get used to that.

Books and music and things of that nature always were my consolation all throughout my childhood and teenage years and that simply hasn't changed much, and to be honest, maybe I'm better off with it not changing. I'm not about to change myself to fit in better, I'm not about to make myself more unhappy by trying to become something that I'm not. It doesn't make me happy feeling that I'm going to be mostly alone for a good portion of my life, and likely will never find a mate who meshes well if at all...but it's better than the alternative of trying to live a lie which I certainly cannot.

Chock it up to the mysticism or the spiritualism or the philosophy or the heavy reading, writing, music, whatever. Chock it up to the fact I didn't live in and around people much and my parents didn't take me very many places as a kid, ultimately leading me to feel like there was something wrong with -me- that made them not want to take me, but inevitably leaving me at a loss when it comes to the skills people "need" to have to be successful in a social world. I don't have those, maybe. At the least, I can't empathize with people and most of the time I don't want to, because there are far bigger matters in the fucking world and that's what I've spent most of my life thinking about. And when you bring things to the table that dwarf the shit people feel like is the be all end all in their little perfect western lives, they end up hating you for it, or at least, just want to ignore you.

So there you have it, anyway. A nice little summary of my self perception, with the added bonus of some outside perception as well.

Comments

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

Being an introvert is actually kind of brilliant in a lot of ways. We have talents that extroverts don't and we're less needy.

Have you done any reading on Asperger's syndrome? I could be way off the mark but a few things you've said in this post reminded me of a friend of mine that has it.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I've done some reading on it, yeah. There are some things that fit and some that don't. But I really think it's foolhardy for anyone interested in doing something specific, especially in the arts...to be very unrestricted in their activities.

It's also become a kind of blanket diagnosis for anyone who seems to have otherwise undefinable social problems...some of which may very well stem not from some inherent problem in them but rather in the way society reacts to them, their difference from the majority of society...and I'm not sure that necessarily means they need to be treated in any way...but hey, if I can get social security early for having it, I'm all for it...

You know, there's a good skit by Bill Hicks that explains...he's reading a book in a waffle house in the american southwest...and the waffle waitress comes up to him and says, "What are you doing?" and he says, "What do you mean what am I doing? I'm reading a book." and he narrates, "And some big burly trucker looks over at me and says, "Hey, we've got ourselves a -reader-" the waitress asks, "Well, why are you doing that?" he responds, "Because I don't want to end up a fucking waffle waitress"

Everybody tells me the reason I feel so out of place is because I'm in rural pennsylvania...I'm beginning to agree...it's certainly plausible that I have some kind of weird social disorder, but the fact is, most of the shit people I've met are interested in, I have no interest in...and I don't think it's wrong for me to be careful with what influences me...is it? If I feel uncomfortable or in waters I can't traverse easily or happily, why should i continue to put myself in those situations?

Have you ever felt like that? I hate to use the word awkward ;) But maybe these small towns just aren't for guys like me, you know?

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

There's certainly a trend to pathologize (and medicate) pretty much everything at the moment. Like most things there's a middle ground and it's good to be aware of these conditions as well. Because it does certainly help some people to name it and have their behaviour/feelings put in some kind of framework.

As you know I sometimes just like to throw you thoughts!

I also think that some people are just shy/introverted. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It just is. Extroversion isn't the be all and end all of existence and introverts have a lot to offer.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I know you do. I've thought about diagnosing myself with it for a long time.

I'm just not sure if I really -do- have it or not. For a long time I -did- have a pretty decent circle of friends I could rely on, and we all had enough interest overlap to enjoy one another's company. But things change, people move on, and unfortunately I stayed here slowly losing my circles because of my girlfriends.

Truth be told, my life really did go to hell because of the relationships I had. I really do blame it on that, because before either of them my life was pretty good. I was depressed for a lot of reasons, but not because of my social situation or my lack of a life outside of home. Mostly I was depressed because I didn't have a girlfriend. And now look what happened, the -irony- kills me.

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

Relationships can definitely screw up your friendships...but that's a mistake I think almost everyone makes when they're younger. I'm definitely more neglectful of my friends when I'm in a relationship.

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

From my experience location definitely makes a difference. I felt like a complete outsider until I started university and moved to the city. I then moved to a fairly bohemian part of town and have never struggled for friends since!

Small towns + big thinkers tend to be a bad combo.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Oh, so you did go to university!

Hehe, I sent you that message with questions and I never got a response...I was afraid maybe I pried too much =\

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

I don't think I got that message. I did answer the questions thing that you did for me but I did it via PM because there was work stuff there. Was there another questions thing?

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I never imagined that you'd consider yourself an introvert either...hmm...interesting

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

Oh I am MOST DEFINITELY an introvert.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

That's just really cool to me, because I have to say I haven't really seen too many people as beautiful as you who are also introverted...maybe I just don't have a large sample size...maybe i underestimate even myself...I guess I just wrongly assumed you were one of those popular, center of attention ladies who actually had a head on your shoulders...or maybe you are but at your core you still need your downtime like I do...

Both of the girls I was with in past relationships didn't understand the concept of downtime with me...something I always really hated, I always felt stretched so thin.

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

Oh no. I'm not a popular centre of attention type at all. I dislike groups of people and prefer to socialise with my select friends one on one if possible.

Lots of people don't get the need for downtime. It's an essential for me, my grip on sanity is massively eroded if I don't get it. It's one of the reasons my job is kind of perfect for me. Short, sharp periods of intense one on one focus and large periods of downtime for me to recover in. Oh and no meetings and colleagues.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Damnit...one other thing. Wikipedia saves the best, most "positive" view of it for the last paragraph...why doesn't this surprise me at all? (I really am very suspicious of psychology in general.)

Some researchers have argued that AS can be viewed as a different cognitive style, not a disorder or a disability,[11] and that it should be removed from the standard Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, much as homosexuality was removed.[101] In a 2002 paper, Simon Baron-Cohen wrote of those with AS, "In the social world there is no great benefit to a precise eye for detail, but in the worlds of math, computing, cataloguing, music, linguistics, engineering, and science, such an eye for detail can lead to success rather than failure." Baron-Cohen cited two reasons why it might still be useful to consider AS to be a disability: to ensure provision for legally required special support, and to recognize emotional difficulties from reduced empathy.[102] It has been argued that the genes for Asperger's combination of abilities have operated throughout recent human evolution and have made remarkable contributions to human history.[103]

[sendao.livejournal.com]

Okay... I have some experience to share here...

First of all Asperger's is not a cut and dry 'syndrome' that you have or not, it's a spectrum, where you can have various degrees of affect. So, maybe you have a tiny amount of Asperger's, but actually in my opinion you don't, at all. You'd never be able to 'feel the mood of the music' if you did. Asperger's kids have limitted empathy. Yours is overflowing. Sorry, look somewhere else if you think you have a problem. I'm 90% sure that this isn't it, based on what meddling psychology education and experience I have.

I would actually say that you are less "Aspergic" than most people and THAT is the cause of your troubles. "People don't understand you" because most people are minorly aspergic and don't give a shit about each other unless they are personally involved.

This entry reminds me of something, though. I swear you're just hanging out in Amenta these days, with the entries you write. And you know what I mean by that. You're like the Laughing Man from Ghost in the Shell, who says "I figured what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes" (he's talking about Asperger's/Autistic kids). Well I see through your masks buddy. I know better. Danger danger! Better watch yourself. I don't like dirty lying Amentans.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's just that I intimidate the fuck out of people and they are afraid of making fools of themselves around me, and not the other way around?

Kekeke....

[sendao.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm never afraid of making a fool out of myself... maybe that's why we can be friends? rofl... also we have a lot of psychological malaise in common, even if it's not quite the same.