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sathorMy sister said something that kinda shed some light on everything.
According to her she has a hard time talking to me. Not surprising at all, really. And I think this is a big reason why I don't "play well with others."
Not saying we have much in common - we don't, at all. But she's family for crying out loud, and evidently I don't even manage to mesh well with my own family.
For whatever reason I lack whatever basic capacity it is of dealing with people -usually-
This isn't always the case but it is often enough to make me the stereotypical loner and I think I'm going to have to get used to that.
Books and music and things of that nature always were my consolation all throughout my childhood and teenage years and that simply hasn't changed much, and to be honest, maybe I'm better off with it not changing. I'm not about to change myself to fit in better, I'm not about to make myself more unhappy by trying to become something that I'm not. It doesn't make me happy feeling that I'm going to be mostly alone for a good portion of my life, and likely will never find a mate who meshes well if at all...but it's better than the alternative of trying to live a lie which I certainly cannot.
Chock it up to the mysticism or the spiritualism or the philosophy or the heavy reading, writing, music, whatever. Chock it up to the fact I didn't live in and around people much and my parents didn't take me very many places as a kid, ultimately leading me to feel like there was something wrong with -me- that made them not want to take me, but inevitably leaving me at a loss when it comes to the skills people "need" to have to be successful in a social world. I don't have those, maybe. At the least, I can't empathize with people and most of the time I don't want to, because there are far bigger matters in the fucking world and that's what I've spent most of my life thinking about. And when you bring things to the table that dwarf the shit people feel like is the be all end all in their little perfect western lives, they end up hating you for it, or at least, just want to ignore you.
So there you have it, anyway. A nice little summary of my self perception, with the added bonus of some outside perception as well.
According to her she has a hard time talking to me. Not surprising at all, really. And I think this is a big reason why I don't "play well with others."
Not saying we have much in common - we don't, at all. But she's family for crying out loud, and evidently I don't even manage to mesh well with my own family.
For whatever reason I lack whatever basic capacity it is of dealing with people -usually-
This isn't always the case but it is often enough to make me the stereotypical loner and I think I'm going to have to get used to that.
Books and music and things of that nature always were my consolation all throughout my childhood and teenage years and that simply hasn't changed much, and to be honest, maybe I'm better off with it not changing. I'm not about to change myself to fit in better, I'm not about to make myself more unhappy by trying to become something that I'm not. It doesn't make me happy feeling that I'm going to be mostly alone for a good portion of my life, and likely will never find a mate who meshes well if at all...but it's better than the alternative of trying to live a lie which I certainly cannot.
Chock it up to the mysticism or the spiritualism or the philosophy or the heavy reading, writing, music, whatever. Chock it up to the fact I didn't live in and around people much and my parents didn't take me very many places as a kid, ultimately leading me to feel like there was something wrong with -me- that made them not want to take me, but inevitably leaving me at a loss when it comes to the skills people "need" to have to be successful in a social world. I don't have those, maybe. At the least, I can't empathize with people and most of the time I don't want to, because there are far bigger matters in the fucking world and that's what I've spent most of my life thinking about. And when you bring things to the table that dwarf the shit people feel like is the be all end all in their little perfect western lives, they end up hating you for it, or at least, just want to ignore you.
So there you have it, anyway. A nice little summary of my self perception, with the added bonus of some outside perception as well.
