(no subject)

[sathor]

I have spent years listening to very little music outside of what I created. I'm not really sure what happened anymore.

There was a point where things changed. And the only point I can truly find is when Val left me. I used to be so much more active, I used to have a decent circle of friends, and I was always busy, between school and everything else. And music was a huge part of my life.

But something happened that killed my love of anything. I'm beginning to see now that I haven't loved anything in a long time...that I have been absent of the emotion, absent of many emotions, and even the feelings that I call love, aren't the same anymore. There are times where I still seethe with anger, so I know I am not a sociopath, but my other emotions don't feel nearly as intense, or nearly as meaningful as they once did.

I've become like this empty pit, devoid of substance, devoid of love and happiness, consumed in grief and despair, hopelessly lost in a tide of the overwhelming ocean that has become my reality.

And no matter what I do, where I go, what I accomplish, who I meet, the feelings I do feel inside of me, it never ends.

I was stripped of everything that made me beautiful, and there was a time when I was. It was beaten out of me. And I really don't know if it will ever come back. I want it to.

Comments

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

Ok I'm totally starting to feel like a creepy LJ stalker but you keep posting stuff that I can relate to.

I can pinpoint that point where everything changed for me too. People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that time heals all wounds. I don't actually agree with them. I think sometimes an experience can kill something inside you and you will never get it back. It sounds bleak but I think it's the truth. I doubt I will ever be as passionate as I used to be nor be able to really give that much of myself to someone ever again..and sometimes I miss the old me. But being different isn't always being worse even if there is nostalgia for the way things used to be.

With the music though. Well that's been there for me as long as I've been around. Is part of the problem for you that a lot of the music you like holds bad memories?

[sathor.livejournal.com]

You're allowed to post here, don't feel guilty. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the attention, although I think really that it has more to do with the fact I like knowing someone else relates at all. I've kinda grown to expect that you do. I think you're probably a very special person because of that, but I don't really know the full details yet, I just have intuitions about you. I doubt it was coincidence that I found your first comment in this journal sometime last year when going through a new years backtrack.

I don't want to believe it's gone forever. If it is, I don't think I really ever will be able to love, and therefore, be able to be in love, or have love ever again. It...would just take the right person...the perfect person...at least I console myself with that thought.

I don't know why with the music...I really don't. Maybe it was the influence my ex fiancee had on my time, leaving me with none to really sit and listen like I used too...and her hatred of most of the stuff I loved.

But a lot of the stuff is connected with bad memories, yes...because I have a really long history of having my heart broken. Reznor is the worst. But I'm seeing his stuff somewhat differently now, and with a different interpretation means that the bad stuff can be balanced with the good. I think maybe I can listen to him again, more than I have for a long time.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I don't really think it's worth fixing unless I fix it myself.

Depression & Therapy

[sendao.livejournal.com]

No, getting help isn't fixing it yourself. Getting help is asking someone else how you can fix deal with problems that you can't actually deal with. And what will they say? They'll tell you to lie to yourself, to wear masks, and to pop pills to make yourself feel better, all justified by the notion that if you're happy you'll be productive, and if you're productive you'll get the things you want and stop being depressed.

But it ain't help. It's retarded torture. Depression comes from things in your life sucking. So fix them. Don't just stop wanting to be depressed. And if your friend is depressed, no, it's not your fucking duty to tell them to go see a fucking psychiatrist all the god-damned time. I'll tell you right now this is a quick way to anger your friends and distance them from you, if you can't just offer support and instead have to spit on him for saying that things aren't perfect.

Re: Depression & Therapy

[sendao.livejournal.com]

All I know is it certainly doesn't help to tell someone "you need help." I've known Sathor for quite a while but I'm not making this a competition; you obviously care more about pounding your version of realities into him than I do. I just think you should stop. And I said so. You got a problem with that? Well you can shove that up YOUR ass.