Eventually.

[sathor]

Eventually this whole loneliness thing has to end, right? Some day, I'm going to look back and think, "I can't believe my life was like that."

Or am I stuck as this person, with the flaws that I have, with the coincidence that hardly any girl really is interested in me enough to give me a chance?

When am I going to figure out what the problem is, locale aside?

Am I ever?

------

I've decided that I am going to become a soldier. That's all there is to it. No more thought on the matter.

I'm sick of not having health insurance. I'm sick of living in this fucking prison. I'm sick of knowing that I never really experienced much of the outside world, because my parents were isolationists and because the money was not there. More importantly I know there's some psychological blocks because of that upbringing that are preventing me from escaping. Ones that I can't overcome without money, because my anxiety is already so high about getting out of here, it's even higher because I know there's no such thing as a safety net, higher yet because I'm 22 with no job, no car, no degree because I still can't afford it, no girlfriend, one real friend that still has the decency to converse with me semi-regularly, an incurable STD and all of those things make me feel undesirable, uninteresting and completely worthless. So even if I did get out, those feelings wouldn't change, and people would treat me exactly the same way. I don't really have a value, so as a valueless person I'll make the right choice and put myself in harm's way. Fate will decide. I'm not letting this shit hole decide it anymore.

Four to six years of military service starting sometime this year. Better than even one more year here, alone. Even if I am alone in those places, the trials of this civilian life will no longer seem as important. And maybe when and if I come back, someone of the fucking opposite sex will notice me then. Sigh.

Really, really wish life hadn't of been so fucking hard on me. Really wish it wouldn't have pushed me to this place, but it has. I've spent far too long in this fucking place, I've wasted far too much time on people I loved with all of my heart. All I wanted was to be loved back and it just never could last, could it? And I sacrificed my future, and I sacrificed so much for them, and it was never enough. Well now I have to make a sacrifice or else things will only get worse.

I'm making the ultimate sacrifice and I will leave it up to God whether or not I am worthy.

But at the back of my skull the question still lingers and it's really starting to piss me off.

I can't change anything about my life from here. I can't. I can't change my popularity, I can't change my circle of friends, I can't change whether or not I'm in love. I'm not in control of any of that fucking shit. I never will be. I've tried to be charming and humorous and kind and appealing and so far it hasn't worked. It hasn't fixed anything. Why should I believe for a minute that going to college will change it? And how fucking happy am I going to be living in a dorm room for four years, what if I'm still praying for a woman to walk into my life that whole time? I look pathetic enough as it is.

I keep praying that, you know, one of these fucking days one of my exes will call me, because I'm weak enough that if they actually advanced I would take the bait. Because I am that starved for -love-. This is just terribly sick. I know I'm totally fucked up in the head. The problem is I don't think anything is going to fix it now, and the only thing left to do is do something constructive with my time and hope that eventually things will fucking balance out.

Ugh.

I'll keep editing if I feel like venting further.

I am not depressed, I am seriously starved for love, for attention, for kindness. This isn't a substitute, you know I love and care about all of you, but it's not the same. It can't substitute for a fucking warm embrace, it can't substitute for that closeness that I became SO ACCUSTOMED to and it was stripped away with me, and -not replaced, ever-

And all of the Buddhist values are at the back of my skull screaming, "This is all illusion and desire is the root of all suffering" Well maybe I'm sick of seeing delusional people who are completely and utterly happy in their relationships, seeing the people that hurt me so badly have no trouble finding themselves another partner even at the loss of one after another and here I am, still single and still so very alone. And yes, this is so gods damned emo, this is such a stupid entry but I never really get down to the root of everything, I always mull about on the outskirts of my emotions, never let anyone really see what's going on deep down inside of me.

I see my friend Matt, he can get laid whenever he wants, he gets plenty of attention, he has a kid and the child-bearer he still has sex with occasionally on top of the rest. I don't envy him but I envy the fact he was worth enough that someone has latched on to him forever according to her mouth and by her actions, regardless of what he does. And I know I'm not worth that. I know I'm not because history shows it. Because I never cheated, I never lied, I never went behind my exes' backs, I never tried to hurt them intentionally, I tried to be the best boyfriend and fiancee anyone could ever ask for and it was never enough, they still left me. And all of these other men, so much better than me, they can do whatever they like and still the women coo over them. I've had it. PUA works and those guys are the ones that do it naturally. And I don't want to be that fucking guy, I just want one fucking love in this world, it's all I ever wanted and I know that's obsolete.

It's obvious my genes just aren't good enough for the pool. Whatever it is I am lacking, it is never going to come to exist.

I am Jake's broken heart.

There is no point to this shit anymore. There is no point to struggling through this stupid, civilian life anymore. There is no point in trying to find love anymore. There's enough guys out there just like me without an STD that will suffice, and probably with better genes as well. This just isn't worth it. At all.

Therapy can't give me love, and it can't give me happiness, and it can't give me security, and it can't give me kindness. And the world has seen fit to give me none of these things except by my family, and hey, you know what, I'm blessed like that. But I'm going to sacrifice it all on the altar and we'll see what reality wants to give me after that. If it's a bullet to the head, then so be it. Better than dying an old man, alone, without any offspring, without any love. Fuck that. Fuck that.

Comments

[chaos5023.livejournal.com]

Okay, then.

I have two related pieces of unsolicited advice for you, in that case. The first is to focus on re-training yourself to look for what's good and precious and awesome in people, including yourself, because judging has gotten a bit too habitual. This would benefit you socially to an immense degree, far more than "trying to be charming" ever would. The second is to stop making anything, absolutely anything, a referendum on how and whether Big-Sky-Daddy God values you, because if any entity of that class exists, it doesn't operate that way.

The reason they're related is that you're seeking out the negative in people like it's some kind of legal case you're presenting to God, where if there's all these things wrong with all these people, don't you deserve better than you're getting? And seeking out the negative in yourself to construct a narrative that justifies your situation. Both of which are wastes of your time that train your mind to destructive patterns, because as should be fairly clear by now, Big-Sky-Daddy is not in fact looking out for you; it's all you and the real, live humans who care about you. You need to get with that, because people who look for God's judgment in a minefield can be assured of finding it.

I very much hope that you don't get killed, maimed or psychologically transformed into something horrific.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I know it's all me and it's all I've got. That's the issue that I've been trying to fix for a long time to no avail. And eventually I guess, wasting so much time and energy trying to fix my life and myself here to no avail has led me to feel like there's no way the same thing could be meaningful anywhere else, even if I still had the strength left to put the effort in.

It is this rural area, the winter, having no way out of my house currently, and the things connected with this that have put me into a mindset like this. I don't really believe the military is the right thing, but they've certainly made it fucking appealing to the vast majority of rural guys like myself who the world has continued to evolve around without really affecting. The "rural" makes perfect sense for post-apocalypse, but I don't really know why anyone would want to raise a child in it. It was absolutely devastating to me. Even living in town in a rural area would have been better. Even when we moved from the area we were originally in when I was six or seven, I remember feeling punished and like I was having a lot cut away from me intentionally. I know it was something my father wanted, but it wasn't something I wanted. He grew up here. I regret having been forced to.

I think what you are trying to tell me here is that my negativity is resulting in me not taking positive paths. That it's allowing me to accept choices that aren't the best given the circumstances simply because I've devalued myself and devalued, too, all of the people I've never met in the world and those that I have in some cases as well.

You're right, as usual. You're always right. I don't want to join the military but I can't stay here. The problem is that I still don't have my diploma and therefore still can't transfer until I come up with $1300. I'm in a really serious predicament, the longer I have to wait before I can earn that money (no car=no job in rural america), or before someone else -cough- there were agreements before I ever graduated -cough- is willing to pay it just so I can get out of here, the lower my chances of actually being able to get out this year. If I have to wait too long I will just start as a freshman again and give my parents the middle finger. There's not much else I can do right now aside from couch surfing, and that's not really helpful in obtaining more security.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I'd be in the same situation only with no food/shelter secured. Also, working and not being able to shower seems counter-productive. Also, no money to get to NYC anyway, and hitchhiking in the winter might not be very productive either.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

If living like a buddhist hermit on alms isn't bad, hey, no, it's not really.

[minxyminou.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

...now where do I start!!!!

If there's one thing you can count on it's that things WILL change. In some ways you're stuck with the essence of who you are but there's also a lot you can wilfully change about yourself. You're an intelligent person, smart enough to research and discover ways of thinking that will make things easier for you from the inside.

Locale isn't something you can easily put aside either. From my experience it makes a huge difference. There definitely are places where it's much easier to find likeminded people. Part of the reason I have been lonely lately is because I don't live in urban bohemia anymore.

You are a valuable and likeable person. I think a lot of what your experiencing stems from the fact that YOU don't believe that. If the energy that you put out says that you're worthless, that's how people are going to treat you. Have faith in yourself and faith that free thinkers like you, people who have that spark, people who don't just want to be sheep and follow the flock have immense value. But also know that it's not an easy path.

Relationships will come and go but they're not a measure of your intrinsic value. Don't try and find love. Concentrate on being you, your passions and your creativity. It will all fall into place.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I don't know.

I've been meaning to reply to this for awhile now but still can't come up with anything worthwhile to respond with.

I know you are right in a lot of ways, it's just hard to see it in my world.

[wolfcry14.livejournal.com]

Is it just me or do our entry's seem to match one another? LOL I hope you feel better hun. But I know how you feel, I tried to get into the Military to get away from my life, I was denied. I hope you are able to get in :) And I hope you start seeing the brighter side. They always say the Tunnel of life is the darkest one but when there seems to be no more hope you see a light at the end of the tunnel...i hope their not talking about death. :)

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Considering how my life's gone so far, it wouldn't surprise me if it was death they were talking about. I don't want it to be that though. I'd love to have kids and a family someday, and a meaningful existence here. But who knows if I'm worth that to the world.

I hope things get better for you, too.

I know I've said this before...

[sendao.livejournal.com]

But don't be an idiot, Sathor.

The army is not what you think it is. It will not support you and build you, it will tear you down and sacrifice you because you're not the dominant and preferable type of person.

You're like me, Sathor. We're Neosapiens. All these other fuckers are just homos. You wanna join the army, make sure you become a homo, coz otherwise you're just going to get fucked.

From Immortal Technique:

"You see third world countries... are rich places. Abundant in resources. And many of these countries have the capacity to feed their starving people, and the children we always see digging for food in trash in commercials. But plutocracies, in other words governments run by the rich such as this one, ... forced the third world into buying overpriced unnecessary goods while exporting huge portions of their natural resources. ... my revolution is born out of love for my people, not hatred for others."

"Let them fend for themselves? Fuck you. They ARE you. No matter how much you want to die your hair blonde and put fake eyes in, or follow an anorexic standard of beauty, or no matter how many diamonds you buy from people who exploit your own, BRUTALLY to get them, no matter what kind of car you drive, or what kind of fancy clothes you put on, you wi'll never be Them. They will always look at you as nothing but a little monkey. I'd rather be proud of what I am, rather than desperately try to be something I'm really not, just to fit in. And whether we like to accept it or not, that's what this culture, or lack of culture, is feeding us."

"I want a better life: for my family and for my children. But it doesn't have to be at the expense of millions of lives in our homeland. We're given the idea that if we didn't have these people to exploit, that America wouldn't be rich enough to let us have these little petty material things in our lives, and basic standards of living. No. That's WRONG. It's the business giants and the government officials who make all the real money. They have whatever they kick down to us. My enemy is not the average white man, not the kid down the block or the kids I see on the street. My enemy is the white man I don't see: the people in the white house, the corporate monopoly owners, fake liberal politicians, those are my enemies, the generals of the armies that are mostly conservative, Those, are the real motherfuckers that I need to bring it to. Not the poor broke country ass soldier that's too stupid to know shit about the way that things are set up. As much as racism bleeds America, we need to understand that classism is the real issue. Many of us are in the same boat, and it's sinking, while these Bouguie motherfuckers ride on a luxury liner. And as long as we keep fighting over kicking people out of the little boat we're all in, we're going to miss an opportunity to gain a better standard of living, as a Whole."

"In other words, I don't WANT to escape the Plantation. I want to come back, Free all my people, Hang the motherfucker that kept me there, and BURN the House to the God-Damned Ground. I want to take over and give it back to the people who work the land. You cannot change the past, but you can make the future."

"The idea of impeaching a ruler comes from an Aztec tradition: that's why Montezuma was *stoned to death by his own people,* because he represented the agenda of white Spaniards once he was captured, not the Aztec people, who would become Mexicans."

(all from Immortal Technique: The Poverty of Philosophy)

Re: I know I've said this before...

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Yeah, except, any time I make those same arguments I'm having plenty of well-educated people disagree with me. Who's right?

I really don't know anymore.