Eventually.
Jan. 30th, 2010 10:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorEventually this whole loneliness thing has to end, right? Some day, I'm going to look back and think, "I can't believe my life was like that."
Or am I stuck as this person, with the flaws that I have, with the coincidence that hardly any girl really is interested in me enough to give me a chance?
When am I going to figure out what the problem is, locale aside?
Am I ever?
------
I've decided that I am going to become a soldier. That's all there is to it. No more thought on the matter.
I'm sick of not having health insurance. I'm sick of living in this fucking prison. I'm sick of knowing that I never really experienced much of the outside world, because my parents were isolationists and because the money was not there. More importantly I know there's some psychological blocks because of that upbringing that are preventing me from escaping. Ones that I can't overcome without money, because my anxiety is already so high about getting out of here, it's even higher because I know there's no such thing as a safety net, higher yet because I'm 22 with no job, no car, no degree because I still can't afford it, no girlfriend, one real friend that still has the decency to converse with me semi-regularly, an incurable STD and all of those things make me feel undesirable, uninteresting and completely worthless. So even if I did get out, those feelings wouldn't change, and people would treat me exactly the same way. I don't really have a value, so as a valueless person I'll make the right choice and put myself in harm's way. Fate will decide. I'm not letting this shit hole decide it anymore.
Four to six years of military service starting sometime this year. Better than even one more year here, alone. Even if I am alone in those places, the trials of this civilian life will no longer seem as important. And maybe when and if I come back, someone of the fucking opposite sex will notice me then. Sigh.
Really, really wish life hadn't of been so fucking hard on me. Really wish it wouldn't have pushed me to this place, but it has. I've spent far too long in this fucking place, I've wasted far too much time on people I loved with all of my heart. All I wanted was to be loved back and it just never could last, could it? And I sacrificed my future, and I sacrificed so much for them, and it was never enough. Well now I have to make a sacrifice or else things will only get worse.
I'm making the ultimate sacrifice and I will leave it up to God whether or not I am worthy.
But at the back of my skull the question still lingers and it's really starting to piss me off.
I can't change anything about my life from here. I can't. I can't change my popularity, I can't change my circle of friends, I can't change whether or not I'm in love. I'm not in control of any of that fucking shit. I never will be. I've tried to be charming and humorous and kind and appealing and so far it hasn't worked. It hasn't fixed anything. Why should I believe for a minute that going to college will change it? And how fucking happy am I going to be living in a dorm room for four years, what if I'm still praying for a woman to walk into my life that whole time? I look pathetic enough as it is.
I keep praying that, you know, one of these fucking days one of my exes will call me, because I'm weak enough that if they actually advanced I would take the bait. Because I am that starved for -love-. This is just terribly sick. I know I'm totally fucked up in the head. The problem is I don't think anything is going to fix it now, and the only thing left to do is do something constructive with my time and hope that eventually things will fucking balance out.
Ugh.
I'll keep editing if I feel like venting further.
I am not depressed, I am seriously starved for love, for attention, for kindness. This isn't a substitute, you know I love and care about all of you, but it's not the same. It can't substitute for a fucking warm embrace, it can't substitute for that closeness that I became SO ACCUSTOMED to and it was stripped away with me, and -not replaced, ever-
And all of the Buddhist values are at the back of my skull screaming, "This is all illusion and desire is the root of all suffering" Well maybe I'm sick of seeing delusional people who are completely and utterly happy in their relationships, seeing the people that hurt me so badly have no trouble finding themselves another partner even at the loss of one after another and here I am, still single and still so very alone. And yes, this is so gods damned emo, this is such a stupid entry but I never really get down to the root of everything, I always mull about on the outskirts of my emotions, never let anyone really see what's going on deep down inside of me.
I see my friend Matt, he can get laid whenever he wants, he gets plenty of attention, he has a kid and the child-bearer he still has sex with occasionally on top of the rest. I don't envy him but I envy the fact he was worth enough that someone has latched on to him forever according to her mouth and by her actions, regardless of what he does. And I know I'm not worth that. I know I'm not because history shows it. Because I never cheated, I never lied, I never went behind my exes' backs, I never tried to hurt them intentionally, I tried to be the best boyfriend and fiancee anyone could ever ask for and it was never enough, they still left me. And all of these other men, so much better than me, they can do whatever they like and still the women coo over them. I've had it. PUA works and those guys are the ones that do it naturally. And I don't want to be that fucking guy, I just want one fucking love in this world, it's all I ever wanted and I know that's obsolete.
It's obvious my genes just aren't good enough for the pool. Whatever it is I am lacking, it is never going to come to exist.
I am Jake's broken heart.
There is no point to this shit anymore. There is no point to struggling through this stupid, civilian life anymore. There is no point in trying to find love anymore. There's enough guys out there just like me without an STD that will suffice, and probably with better genes as well. This just isn't worth it. At all.
Therapy can't give me love, and it can't give me happiness, and it can't give me security, and it can't give me kindness. And the world has seen fit to give me none of these things except by my family, and hey, you know what, I'm blessed like that. But I'm going to sacrifice it all on the altar and we'll see what reality wants to give me after that. If it's a bullet to the head, then so be it. Better than dying an old man, alone, without any offspring, without any love. Fuck that. Fuck that.
Or am I stuck as this person, with the flaws that I have, with the coincidence that hardly any girl really is interested in me enough to give me a chance?
When am I going to figure out what the problem is, locale aside?
Am I ever?
------
I've decided that I am going to become a soldier. That's all there is to it. No more thought on the matter.
I'm sick of not having health insurance. I'm sick of living in this fucking prison. I'm sick of knowing that I never really experienced much of the outside world, because my parents were isolationists and because the money was not there. More importantly I know there's some psychological blocks because of that upbringing that are preventing me from escaping. Ones that I can't overcome without money, because my anxiety is already so high about getting out of here, it's even higher because I know there's no such thing as a safety net, higher yet because I'm 22 with no job, no car, no degree because I still can't afford it, no girlfriend, one real friend that still has the decency to converse with me semi-regularly, an incurable STD and all of those things make me feel undesirable, uninteresting and completely worthless. So even if I did get out, those feelings wouldn't change, and people would treat me exactly the same way. I don't really have a value, so as a valueless person I'll make the right choice and put myself in harm's way. Fate will decide. I'm not letting this shit hole decide it anymore.
Four to six years of military service starting sometime this year. Better than even one more year here, alone. Even if I am alone in those places, the trials of this civilian life will no longer seem as important. And maybe when and if I come back, someone of the fucking opposite sex will notice me then. Sigh.
Really, really wish life hadn't of been so fucking hard on me. Really wish it wouldn't have pushed me to this place, but it has. I've spent far too long in this fucking place, I've wasted far too much time on people I loved with all of my heart. All I wanted was to be loved back and it just never could last, could it? And I sacrificed my future, and I sacrificed so much for them, and it was never enough. Well now I have to make a sacrifice or else things will only get worse.
I'm making the ultimate sacrifice and I will leave it up to God whether or not I am worthy.
But at the back of my skull the question still lingers and it's really starting to piss me off.
I can't change anything about my life from here. I can't. I can't change my popularity, I can't change my circle of friends, I can't change whether or not I'm in love. I'm not in control of any of that fucking shit. I never will be. I've tried to be charming and humorous and kind and appealing and so far it hasn't worked. It hasn't fixed anything. Why should I believe for a minute that going to college will change it? And how fucking happy am I going to be living in a dorm room for four years, what if I'm still praying for a woman to walk into my life that whole time? I look pathetic enough as it is.
I keep praying that, you know, one of these fucking days one of my exes will call me, because I'm weak enough that if they actually advanced I would take the bait. Because I am that starved for -love-. This is just terribly sick. I know I'm totally fucked up in the head. The problem is I don't think anything is going to fix it now, and the only thing left to do is do something constructive with my time and hope that eventually things will fucking balance out.
Ugh.
I'll keep editing if I feel like venting further.
I am not depressed, I am seriously starved for love, for attention, for kindness. This isn't a substitute, you know I love and care about all of you, but it's not the same. It can't substitute for a fucking warm embrace, it can't substitute for that closeness that I became SO ACCUSTOMED to and it was stripped away with me, and -not replaced, ever-
And all of the Buddhist values are at the back of my skull screaming, "This is all illusion and desire is the root of all suffering" Well maybe I'm sick of seeing delusional people who are completely and utterly happy in their relationships, seeing the people that hurt me so badly have no trouble finding themselves another partner even at the loss of one after another and here I am, still single and still so very alone. And yes, this is so gods damned emo, this is such a stupid entry but I never really get down to the root of everything, I always mull about on the outskirts of my emotions, never let anyone really see what's going on deep down inside of me.
I see my friend Matt, he can get laid whenever he wants, he gets plenty of attention, he has a kid and the child-bearer he still has sex with occasionally on top of the rest. I don't envy him but I envy the fact he was worth enough that someone has latched on to him forever according to her mouth and by her actions, regardless of what he does. And I know I'm not worth that. I know I'm not because history shows it. Because I never cheated, I never lied, I never went behind my exes' backs, I never tried to hurt them intentionally, I tried to be the best boyfriend and fiancee anyone could ever ask for and it was never enough, they still left me. And all of these other men, so much better than me, they can do whatever they like and still the women coo over them. I've had it. PUA works and those guys are the ones that do it naturally. And I don't want to be that fucking guy, I just want one fucking love in this world, it's all I ever wanted and I know that's obsolete.
It's obvious my genes just aren't good enough for the pool. Whatever it is I am lacking, it is never going to come to exist.
I am Jake's broken heart.
There is no point to this shit anymore. There is no point to struggling through this stupid, civilian life anymore. There is no point in trying to find love anymore. There's enough guys out there just like me without an STD that will suffice, and probably with better genes as well. This just isn't worth it. At all.
Therapy can't give me love, and it can't give me happiness, and it can't give me security, and it can't give me kindness. And the world has seen fit to give me none of these things except by my family, and hey, you know what, I'm blessed like that. But I'm going to sacrifice it all on the altar and we'll see what reality wants to give me after that. If it's a bullet to the head, then so be it. Better than dying an old man, alone, without any offspring, without any love. Fuck that. Fuck that.
