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Some Thoughts on Anxiety
Apr. 13th, 2015 12:54 amI've suffered with anxiety for a long time - and I touched on one of the triggers (marijuana) in my last post. I guess thinking about it a little today spurred me to do some more reading on the subject, as I'm prone to do from time to time.
One of the interesting perspectives I came across is that social anxiety in particular has its roots in our thoughts about ourselves. That much is obvious, sure, but maybe more importantly is that it has its roots in our perception of what will happen if something negatively, or destructively, attacks those thoughts. The major point made in this perspective is that not only are those thoughts illusory - they don't exist (i.e. I'm a good person, I'm attractive, I'm outgoing, I'm shy, etc.) but that because they are thoughts, they are very fragile. They aren't "real" things. It'd be hard for me to destroy a titanium coin, but fairly easy for me to warp an idea about my self like my attractiveness. But believing that they are real, could potentially lead to much higher anxiety. If I strongly identify with the statement that I'm popular/good natured/easy to get along with but I come to find out most of the people in the current social periphery think I'm a wacko/loser/ugly whatever, then my identity is being shattered. The potential for that shattering, I reckon, is the primary reason for social anxiety - and I also think that belief in that potential comes from past experience. The anxiety also, to me, seems to arise out of the belief that I can control the perceptions and feelings of those people. Performance anxiety.
To reprogram the mind, then, would especially need living in the moment - and eliminating transient beliefs about my self that can change at any moment. It would also require letting go of the belief that I can control others - I've no desire to dominate others, and they are free to live as they wish, associate with whom they wish, think about me as they wish - because I wouldn't want to be restricted either. I wouldn't want someone trying to manipulate me into thinking they are this ideal, or that.
I'm in control of my self - and that's about it. I try to live by my ideals and moral compass. If that's not good enough for other people, then I have to accept that - no manner of convincing would change that - and if I were to play a role like an actor to falsely portray my self, I would be destroying my own sincerity...and even credibility.
----
Yesterday was a highly anxious day until I had drank copious amounts of alcohol. But oddly, today I am still anxious - and also hungover. I feel like any alteration of my consciousness is really, really stressful for me in this period of my life. I'm not sure why that is exactly, but if anything, I feel a very strong desire to heed my inner compass and avoid alterations of any kind.
My mother isn't helping the anxiety, either - she's all worked up over four days training that she has to take in Pittsburgh for her job. Seems something like anxiety easily spreads - maybe especially between family. I'm a little worried, I have to admit - she doesn't deal well with stress, and I don't think she's ever traveled to a city like that without people close to her. With all the blood pressure medications and everything else, I'm just concerned. Hopefully it goes well for her.
One of the interesting perspectives I came across is that social anxiety in particular has its roots in our thoughts about ourselves. That much is obvious, sure, but maybe more importantly is that it has its roots in our perception of what will happen if something negatively, or destructively, attacks those thoughts. The major point made in this perspective is that not only are those thoughts illusory - they don't exist (i.e. I'm a good person, I'm attractive, I'm outgoing, I'm shy, etc.) but that because they are thoughts, they are very fragile. They aren't "real" things. It'd be hard for me to destroy a titanium coin, but fairly easy for me to warp an idea about my self like my attractiveness. But believing that they are real, could potentially lead to much higher anxiety. If I strongly identify with the statement that I'm popular/good natured/easy to get along with but I come to find out most of the people in the current social periphery think I'm a wacko/loser/ugly whatever, then my identity is being shattered. The potential for that shattering, I reckon, is the primary reason for social anxiety - and I also think that belief in that potential comes from past experience. The anxiety also, to me, seems to arise out of the belief that I can control the perceptions and feelings of those people. Performance anxiety.
To reprogram the mind, then, would especially need living in the moment - and eliminating transient beliefs about my self that can change at any moment. It would also require letting go of the belief that I can control others - I've no desire to dominate others, and they are free to live as they wish, associate with whom they wish, think about me as they wish - because I wouldn't want to be restricted either. I wouldn't want someone trying to manipulate me into thinking they are this ideal, or that.
I'm in control of my self - and that's about it. I try to live by my ideals and moral compass. If that's not good enough for other people, then I have to accept that - no manner of convincing would change that - and if I were to play a role like an actor to falsely portray my self, I would be destroying my own sincerity...and even credibility.
----
Yesterday was a highly anxious day until I had drank copious amounts of alcohol. But oddly, today I am still anxious - and also hungover. I feel like any alteration of my consciousness is really, really stressful for me in this period of my life. I'm not sure why that is exactly, but if anything, I feel a very strong desire to heed my inner compass and avoid alterations of any kind.
My mother isn't helping the anxiety, either - she's all worked up over four days training that she has to take in Pittsburgh for her job. Seems something like anxiety easily spreads - maybe especially between family. I'm a little worried, I have to admit - she doesn't deal well with stress, and I don't think she's ever traveled to a city like that without people close to her. With all the blood pressure medications and everything else, I'm just concerned. Hopefully it goes well for her.
