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I feel very confused.
As I've obtained more knowledge, I've only further convoluted my sense of self, my senses of reality, and my reflection on it.
A primary example is how I comprehend that my perception of things as they are is not necessarily the same as what those things are in actuality. In fact, this apprehension of my own subjectivity is, more or less, an absolute destroyer of confidence and an annihilator of my will...what is left of it, at any rate.
However, I also recognize that all other people, even with my limited understanding of them, must experience the same - even if they can not recognize it as viscerally as I can.
I begin to wonder if maybe, at some point, I began on a path of divergence from what is normal. My brain - my reality interface - therefore developed its own ways of interpreting and experiencing, reflecting, communicating as well...and these were divergent from the normal, too. Eventually, I became so drastically different from other people that it's quite literally as though I reside in some alternate reality - my world is not your world. I can interact with you, but it will not be the same as your interactions with others. I feel as though my very "frequency" is different, the very nature of my being is different. One might at this point consider the possibility that I suffer from some sort of psychological ailment - and maybe, I do - or, maybe, it is only a psychological illness insofar as things are concerned in your world - in my world, it makes not a bit of difference whether I am suffering from one or not. I simply am what I am. I see what I see. I feel what I feel. I could just as easily believe something else, but I would be in conflict with my feelings. Such is the power of belief. We at some point have to come to terms with our beliefs...and our experience of reality. I could believe I was a talented musician, but I have no following and to my ears it falls incredibly short compared to the masters. The same could be said of intellect - my only saving grace in this case is I feel I have tread my inner world much more thoroughly than most.
I am confused. I am confused about what it is that I am to be doing, besides surviving, for no know purpose besides the fact that I can not be sure if death is any less painful and lonely. Certainly I can look to others and see, even if I am comparing their "outsides" to my "insides", that their lives are more complete - that they enjoy much more of their life than I - that they have love and affection - that they are attractive and draw others to them. This brings me to an important point - I have always hated Maslow's Hierarchy. If love and affection is a basic need to self-actualize, I am quite literally doomed. I have sent half a hundred messages if not more to local singles on dating websites, and not a one has responded. Some of them actually had interesting, deep profiles that showed a love for art, music, literature...it is apparent to me that, in my dealings with people, I must be similar to anti-matter. This is not mere chance, lack of luck. The pattern is apparent - and the more negative, or nonexistent feedback I receive from my actions in this life, the more I fall into oblivion, mistrust of humankind, and even misanthropy. I have teetered on the edge of outright hatred of man for a long time...and I've never been alone in this (many philosophers professed similar sentiments) but I am reaching a point at which it becomes simply ludicrous.
The confusion runs deeper, though. It runs into my very fabric. I was raised a Protestant - in fact, I have some pretty terrible memories of church, and the bitch that preached there. I repressed most of those years of my life. I lost more of them when we moved to the middle of nowhere. But I discovered other religions and theology around the age of twelve. I read as much as I could on eastern philosophy and religion...Buddhism, Hinduism...I read occult texts and guides to spiritual enlightenment. I practiced meditation. I experienced very transcendent states of consciousness and being. Science wants me to believe none of that was real, that it's simply biochemical responses to different brain-wave states. So be it. So there's no magick, and there's no God. There's no love either - it's a biochemical reaction, too. Everything we experience, from mental illness to godsmack, is nothing more than a physiological experience of different chemical levels and brain-wave states. At this rate, one might as well admit there's no such thing as ethics or morality, either. We don't kill each other, take want we want, or live in absolute anarchy because a long time ago someone created the social contract and thought up paid law enforcement and prisons. We have all sorts of social norms and laws, and while we preach morality, compassion, love and fairness, we simultaneously treat one-another like competitors...we mistreat the ugly, the weak, the unpopular...we raise up on pedestals the beautiful, the wealthy, the powerful, the lucky. We enslave third world nations. We murder millions. All the while we live like kings of the old days. The worst that could befall you is that you could be homeless, eating out of a shelter, sleeping on wooden planks with a single blanket. Or you could get murdered.
How deep the confusion runs. I wanted to believe that there was magick, and that there was spirituality, and that if I worked hard enough and I tried hard enough, maybe I could overcome all of my issues in life - maybe I could achieve peace in my soul - maybe I could learn to change my circumstances. I haven't learned a thing. Whatever I think I learn, or whatever I think I experience, there's someone else preaching the exact opposite, or worse yet, that it's not even real. I believed that I was attractive, worthwhile once, and yet, my experience in the world has only taught me the opposite. I believed I was good, loving, compassionate once...and yet, as I see the string of mistreatment and unfair handshakes, I can not be so sure any longer.
I look to the people whom the world puts on pedestals, even at the lowest levels - my own employer and it's hierarchy, for instance - and I wonder to myself if life was never about education...it was never about love and compassion...it was never about God and spirituality...it was never about respecting your parents and your peers. It was about being popular. Popularity is everything. It's as if life played a cruel joke on me. I was lied to about the nature of humanity.
I really wish I could leave this world behind, and find a place where the ideals were real. Where love was in abundance. Where people weren't mistreated for being different, or unusual...but celebrated for their unique expression of their genetics and experience. I'm not sure I even have the strength or the will left anymore to go looking...and to be frankly honest...I don't really think there's a place like that anyway.
Treat others how you want to be treated...if only that really resulted in people treating you the way you treat them.
Maybe Satan really is a good explanation of all the horse shit on this planet.
-----
It is a difficult thing for me to say, but I am starting to recognize that the idealistic perception I had of myself when I was younger was probably the best thing I ever had...it was probably one of my best traits. And slowly, my experience of the world has eroded that away to nothingness. I will grant that I am well above average intelligence...albeit with no specific focus or discipline, thus I can not speak at length about any particular topic or area of expertise...but besides that, I am one of the worst human beings on the planet. I am non-violent, but I am judgmental. I am compassionate, but I hardly ever find myself helping anyone. I am loving, but the lack of other traits prevents me from loving anyone, as they would not want to come near. I am quiet, and shy - I don't like large gatherings of people, and I often don't talk to strangers, especially at any length. I avoid the public as much as humanly possible. I hardly ever initiate contact with a stranger. I spend a lot of time on music and writing, but nothing of note has ever come out of it...and most of the time, I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall...as though I lack some very important knowledge about HOW to go about being a musician, how to go about even LEARNING music, to IMPROVE. The same could be said about writing, although I feel as I've gotten older, my ability to stay focused and on topic...once again, to speak at any length...has gotten more difficult. My mind feels more fragmented than it ever did as a teenager - although, I feel as if my life and my feelings were much simpler then...there was much less confusion. I knew who I was, or rather, I didn't know who I was and so I was whatever I was. Now I have all sorts of opinions about myself that affect me in different ways, and at different levels. My self image has been tainted by knowledge and wisdom, and probably most grievously, philosophy. The great destroyer of self, philosophy. That great annihilator of confidence, philosophy. Once you know that you do not know, you know only that you know nothing.
I am truly a good person at heart, but the world has never received me well. I've never gotten a fair shake. I'm terrible at making new friends and acquaintances, probably because I'm narcissistic and self-absorbed, or maybe it's just because I'm shy and quiet, or maybe it's because I truly fear rejection. That bleeds over into the romantic realm, I'm sure. I was once described as, "a person you could spend a week around and not know a single thing about." Actually, it was describing someone else, but then I noted that, "Oh, that person is like me then" and the rest of the group agreed.
I really do just want to disappear. I want to be someone else. Not me anymore.
It's not like the world would miss the person that I am, after all. I'm just a shadow on the wall to most people. Living a lonely life outside of the cave.
As I've obtained more knowledge, I've only further convoluted my sense of self, my senses of reality, and my reflection on it.
A primary example is how I comprehend that my perception of things as they are is not necessarily the same as what those things are in actuality. In fact, this apprehension of my own subjectivity is, more or less, an absolute destroyer of confidence and an annihilator of my will...what is left of it, at any rate.
However, I also recognize that all other people, even with my limited understanding of them, must experience the same - even if they can not recognize it as viscerally as I can.
I begin to wonder if maybe, at some point, I began on a path of divergence from what is normal. My brain - my reality interface - therefore developed its own ways of interpreting and experiencing, reflecting, communicating as well...and these were divergent from the normal, too. Eventually, I became so drastically different from other people that it's quite literally as though I reside in some alternate reality - my world is not your world. I can interact with you, but it will not be the same as your interactions with others. I feel as though my very "frequency" is different, the very nature of my being is different. One might at this point consider the possibility that I suffer from some sort of psychological ailment - and maybe, I do - or, maybe, it is only a psychological illness insofar as things are concerned in your world - in my world, it makes not a bit of difference whether I am suffering from one or not. I simply am what I am. I see what I see. I feel what I feel. I could just as easily believe something else, but I would be in conflict with my feelings. Such is the power of belief. We at some point have to come to terms with our beliefs...and our experience of reality. I could believe I was a talented musician, but I have no following and to my ears it falls incredibly short compared to the masters. The same could be said of intellect - my only saving grace in this case is I feel I have tread my inner world much more thoroughly than most.
I am confused. I am confused about what it is that I am to be doing, besides surviving, for no know purpose besides the fact that I can not be sure if death is any less painful and lonely. Certainly I can look to others and see, even if I am comparing their "outsides" to my "insides", that their lives are more complete - that they enjoy much more of their life than I - that they have love and affection - that they are attractive and draw others to them. This brings me to an important point - I have always hated Maslow's Hierarchy. If love and affection is a basic need to self-actualize, I am quite literally doomed. I have sent half a hundred messages if not more to local singles on dating websites, and not a one has responded. Some of them actually had interesting, deep profiles that showed a love for art, music, literature...it is apparent to me that, in my dealings with people, I must be similar to anti-matter. This is not mere chance, lack of luck. The pattern is apparent - and the more negative, or nonexistent feedback I receive from my actions in this life, the more I fall into oblivion, mistrust of humankind, and even misanthropy. I have teetered on the edge of outright hatred of man for a long time...and I've never been alone in this (many philosophers professed similar sentiments) but I am reaching a point at which it becomes simply ludicrous.
The confusion runs deeper, though. It runs into my very fabric. I was raised a Protestant - in fact, I have some pretty terrible memories of church, and the bitch that preached there. I repressed most of those years of my life. I lost more of them when we moved to the middle of nowhere. But I discovered other religions and theology around the age of twelve. I read as much as I could on eastern philosophy and religion...Buddhism, Hinduism...I read occult texts and guides to spiritual enlightenment. I practiced meditation. I experienced very transcendent states of consciousness and being. Science wants me to believe none of that was real, that it's simply biochemical responses to different brain-wave states. So be it. So there's no magick, and there's no God. There's no love either - it's a biochemical reaction, too. Everything we experience, from mental illness to godsmack, is nothing more than a physiological experience of different chemical levels and brain-wave states. At this rate, one might as well admit there's no such thing as ethics or morality, either. We don't kill each other, take want we want, or live in absolute anarchy because a long time ago someone created the social contract and thought up paid law enforcement and prisons. We have all sorts of social norms and laws, and while we preach morality, compassion, love and fairness, we simultaneously treat one-another like competitors...we mistreat the ugly, the weak, the unpopular...we raise up on pedestals the beautiful, the wealthy, the powerful, the lucky. We enslave third world nations. We murder millions. All the while we live like kings of the old days. The worst that could befall you is that you could be homeless, eating out of a shelter, sleeping on wooden planks with a single blanket. Or you could get murdered.
How deep the confusion runs. I wanted to believe that there was magick, and that there was spirituality, and that if I worked hard enough and I tried hard enough, maybe I could overcome all of my issues in life - maybe I could achieve peace in my soul - maybe I could learn to change my circumstances. I haven't learned a thing. Whatever I think I learn, or whatever I think I experience, there's someone else preaching the exact opposite, or worse yet, that it's not even real. I believed that I was attractive, worthwhile once, and yet, my experience in the world has only taught me the opposite. I believed I was good, loving, compassionate once...and yet, as I see the string of mistreatment and unfair handshakes, I can not be so sure any longer.
I look to the people whom the world puts on pedestals, even at the lowest levels - my own employer and it's hierarchy, for instance - and I wonder to myself if life was never about education...it was never about love and compassion...it was never about God and spirituality...it was never about respecting your parents and your peers. It was about being popular. Popularity is everything. It's as if life played a cruel joke on me. I was lied to about the nature of humanity.
I really wish I could leave this world behind, and find a place where the ideals were real. Where love was in abundance. Where people weren't mistreated for being different, or unusual...but celebrated for their unique expression of their genetics and experience. I'm not sure I even have the strength or the will left anymore to go looking...and to be frankly honest...I don't really think there's a place like that anyway.
Treat others how you want to be treated...if only that really resulted in people treating you the way you treat them.
Maybe Satan really is a good explanation of all the horse shit on this planet.
-----
It is a difficult thing for me to say, but I am starting to recognize that the idealistic perception I had of myself when I was younger was probably the best thing I ever had...it was probably one of my best traits. And slowly, my experience of the world has eroded that away to nothingness. I will grant that I am well above average intelligence...albeit with no specific focus or discipline, thus I can not speak at length about any particular topic or area of expertise...but besides that, I am one of the worst human beings on the planet. I am non-violent, but I am judgmental. I am compassionate, but I hardly ever find myself helping anyone. I am loving, but the lack of other traits prevents me from loving anyone, as they would not want to come near. I am quiet, and shy - I don't like large gatherings of people, and I often don't talk to strangers, especially at any length. I avoid the public as much as humanly possible. I hardly ever initiate contact with a stranger. I spend a lot of time on music and writing, but nothing of note has ever come out of it...and most of the time, I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall...as though I lack some very important knowledge about HOW to go about being a musician, how to go about even LEARNING music, to IMPROVE. The same could be said about writing, although I feel as I've gotten older, my ability to stay focused and on topic...once again, to speak at any length...has gotten more difficult. My mind feels more fragmented than it ever did as a teenager - although, I feel as if my life and my feelings were much simpler then...there was much less confusion. I knew who I was, or rather, I didn't know who I was and so I was whatever I was. Now I have all sorts of opinions about myself that affect me in different ways, and at different levels. My self image has been tainted by knowledge and wisdom, and probably most grievously, philosophy. The great destroyer of self, philosophy. That great annihilator of confidence, philosophy. Once you know that you do not know, you know only that you know nothing.
I am truly a good person at heart, but the world has never received me well. I've never gotten a fair shake. I'm terrible at making new friends and acquaintances, probably because I'm narcissistic and self-absorbed, or maybe it's just because I'm shy and quiet, or maybe it's because I truly fear rejection. That bleeds over into the romantic realm, I'm sure. I was once described as, "a person you could spend a week around and not know a single thing about." Actually, it was describing someone else, but then I noted that, "Oh, that person is like me then" and the rest of the group agreed.
I really do just want to disappear. I want to be someone else. Not me anymore.
It's not like the world would miss the person that I am, after all. I'm just a shadow on the wall to most people. Living a lonely life outside of the cave.
