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What's Next
Jul. 5th, 2014 01:09 amI've no real idea.
I've accepted most of what is in front of me for most of my life. I made decisions, but only with what was available; choices between what was within my capacity to do at the time. This seems to fly in the face of what I was raised to believe, of what was beat into my head since childhood from all angles. "You can do anything." "America is the land of opportunity."
So when I reached the age of the first real decision a person makes, that is directly after graduating from high school, I went with what I was told to do. Go to college. Yet, all of the chains that such a thing will bind to you isn't often discussed. Those whom guide us - counselors, the media - talk about how easy it is to afford it, before one really understands how hard it is to make $25,000. If it were "easy" to come up with that sort of money, nobody in this country would live in poverty. I think that's a pretty accurate statement.
While I didn't decide to go further after my two year degree...and in fact let a couple thousand dollar hold prevent me from transferring anyway...I still get a feeling that I didn't live up to the expectation society had for me. But then again, did society...did the system...provide to me what it was quite nearly promising? It never made college affordable for me. Even accepting that, it never gave me any real opportunities. It didn't provide me with an adequate education. It didn't provide me with the means to real earning power. It didn't provide me with anything. Everything I have gained, I gained for my self, by virtue of my work and my time.
Maybe then, I have been wrong all along. Maybe successful people really are deserving of whatever it is that they have, maybe they are just better than my self. Their genes are better, their luck is better, they are smarter, they are better at making the right decision at the right time. Maybe the man who marries happily and has a wonderful family earned that right, and I have not. When I look at him, I have always felt a bit of envy, and always tried to find the flaws to pick my self up...knowing that I am not worthy of that. But it seems that I have changed, and I no longer see it that way. It would be just as wrong to ruminate on such an idea as I am coming to here, but is it wrong to state that maybe I really am at fault?
The difference between my self and them might just be that they were willing to do what I have not. I wish I would have known this sooner - while I had the still had the energy. I know I grow and change, but my strength to direct it wanes as every day passes. I will turn to dust soon enough...I wonder if before then, I will reach out and find what completes this soul of mine?
When I was younger, when I was with Val and Cookie, and even Meghan, I remember feeling as though I was traveling on the wrong path. I wanted to do so much more with my life - I wanted to pursue high level degrees, I wanted to be a professor, I wanted to reach a high level of musical aptitude. Yet, here I am, single for over a year...and I've not made a single step towards any of these things. I was single for two years after Cookie...I made not a single step towards these ends. I know my inability to realize my dreams corrupted those relationships. My inability to accept that I was not making good progress, even, tainted my emotions and my mental state, and that bled out into my relationships.
I have been a wreck of a person for years. This world chewed me up and spit me out. I hid in marijuana and the internet when I was younger. I hide less now, but the damage is done. I wait for divine intervention, but it does not come.
I don't know the future, and I can't - it would be irrational to make statements that I do. If I can't know the future, if I can't know the outcome of any given action unless it's governed by physics, then what real control do I have? It would seem that I only have control over the present moment...and the outcomes are anyone's guess. Some are more easily foretold than others, but it seems apparent to me that most of the outcomes I desire, are the hardest to foretell.
I've accepted most of what is in front of me for most of my life. I made decisions, but only with what was available; choices between what was within my capacity to do at the time. This seems to fly in the face of what I was raised to believe, of what was beat into my head since childhood from all angles. "You can do anything." "America is the land of opportunity."
So when I reached the age of the first real decision a person makes, that is directly after graduating from high school, I went with what I was told to do. Go to college. Yet, all of the chains that such a thing will bind to you isn't often discussed. Those whom guide us - counselors, the media - talk about how easy it is to afford it, before one really understands how hard it is to make $25,000. If it were "easy" to come up with that sort of money, nobody in this country would live in poverty. I think that's a pretty accurate statement.
While I didn't decide to go further after my two year degree...and in fact let a couple thousand dollar hold prevent me from transferring anyway...I still get a feeling that I didn't live up to the expectation society had for me. But then again, did society...did the system...provide to me what it was quite nearly promising? It never made college affordable for me. Even accepting that, it never gave me any real opportunities. It didn't provide me with an adequate education. It didn't provide me with the means to real earning power. It didn't provide me with anything. Everything I have gained, I gained for my self, by virtue of my work and my time.
Maybe then, I have been wrong all along. Maybe successful people really are deserving of whatever it is that they have, maybe they are just better than my self. Their genes are better, their luck is better, they are smarter, they are better at making the right decision at the right time. Maybe the man who marries happily and has a wonderful family earned that right, and I have not. When I look at him, I have always felt a bit of envy, and always tried to find the flaws to pick my self up...knowing that I am not worthy of that. But it seems that I have changed, and I no longer see it that way. It would be just as wrong to ruminate on such an idea as I am coming to here, but is it wrong to state that maybe I really am at fault?
The difference between my self and them might just be that they were willing to do what I have not. I wish I would have known this sooner - while I had the still had the energy. I know I grow and change, but my strength to direct it wanes as every day passes. I will turn to dust soon enough...I wonder if before then, I will reach out and find what completes this soul of mine?
When I was younger, when I was with Val and Cookie, and even Meghan, I remember feeling as though I was traveling on the wrong path. I wanted to do so much more with my life - I wanted to pursue high level degrees, I wanted to be a professor, I wanted to reach a high level of musical aptitude. Yet, here I am, single for over a year...and I've not made a single step towards any of these things. I was single for two years after Cookie...I made not a single step towards these ends. I know my inability to realize my dreams corrupted those relationships. My inability to accept that I was not making good progress, even, tainted my emotions and my mental state, and that bled out into my relationships.
I have been a wreck of a person for years. This world chewed me up and spit me out. I hid in marijuana and the internet when I was younger. I hide less now, but the damage is done. I wait for divine intervention, but it does not come.
I don't know the future, and I can't - it would be irrational to make statements that I do. If I can't know the future, if I can't know the outcome of any given action unless it's governed by physics, then what real control do I have? It would seem that I only have control over the present moment...and the outcomes are anyone's guess. Some are more easily foretold than others, but it seems apparent to me that most of the outcomes I desire, are the hardest to foretell.
