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Morbid Curiosity
Jun. 28th, 2014 01:34 pmI'm not sure if I ever wrote an entry about the first night out I had with - we'll call her D. In either case, I'll avoid that one. Last night was basically me being incredibly morbid and curious about this lady's psychology, so I decided I'd play DD for her. Suffice to say it will not happen again, ever, but it WAS a very necessary learning experience for me. It only really further solidifies my personal feelings towards alcohol, addiction, the party culture that is basically the norm for people my age, and why I want nothing to do with it. It also made me realize that it's totally okay for me to hang out in a bar sober if I so desire, and I'm not going to feel bad or weird about it. Actually, the responsible adults seemed to do something relatively similar. Not only that, but I'm starting to see how much I've changed. I'm very capable of feeling my body and it's current state...anxious...jittery...up...down...indifferent...from a much more detached perspective. Even though my heart rate was elevated at some points last night and there were some sticky situations, I held my composure very well and I felt like whatever social anxiety I once had has really dissipated a great deal. I realized that I'm not so much socially anxious as I am socially passive - I'm non-aggressive and not assertive unless there's a need for it - and I don't really feel there's any reasonable metric one could use to say that that's a "bad thing" or a "bad personality type." I felt like if there were an opportunity, or if there had been a person or situation that had really piqued my interest, I would have pursued it. Thing is, very rarely do things stand out to me in this environment, in this place.
In any case, the happenings of the night go something like this.
My sister's friend, "D" - yes, the crazy girl I would never sleep with in a million years, but who wants to sleep with me (and there is no surprise there as she admitted, while being blackout drunk, that she has slept with hundreds of men) - invited me out to have some drinks. Okay, I'll oblige. I was really on the fence, but I decided, why not - one more time to be sure this person is basically a textbook definition of a sociopath (at least while she's drinking) with zero inhibitions and a penchant for superficial glib. On our way south to a bar out in the boondocks, I had to stop and use the bathroom on the side of the road. Low and behold, when I'm finished and get back in my car, someone pulls up behind me. Who is it? Well, it's a cop, but I don't know that yet. I looked back in the headlights a couple times and decided I'd get up and approach, for better or worse. Turns out that was probably a good decision on my part, and I'll bear it in mind for future reference. He had just gotten out of his vehicle and was standing behind the door when he finally said, "Everything alright?" Yeah, absolutely, I said. I just had a long ride from Warren and really had to use the bathroom - that's alright isn't it? He replied, "Yeah, that's fine, as long as no one sees you." And I think at this point he wasn't suspicious at all, just sorta getting a kick out of this situation much like I was. I probably sounded a little humored when I responded, "You didn't see me did you?" With a smirk on my face, and at that point he said, "I just saw that you had pulled over and wanted to make sure everything was alright." With that I said, "Alright, Thanks." And turned around and went back to my car. I had zero anxiety in this encounter. The whole thing literally felt like a work exchange for me - when I saw the headlights, I had that "Oh great, another person to wait on, another task to perform" feeling, which is more or less my complete and utter non-caring attitude shining through. I knew I had to address whoever it was, but I did it with a high degree of disinterest.
The bar was a dive. I did have a couple good conversations while she managed to get herself completely shit face drunk, though. One kid, same age as me, seemed to be going through some of the same issues I myself was, and it was nice for a change to see someone relatively sober and open enough to reveal a bit about himself - makes a person more real, I think. He seemed really familiar to be honest - I almost want to say he's one of the guys I worked with at Endeavor, if not related - but I didn't push the issue as there were some more pressing directions in the conversation. D managed to make out with some random guy she had never met before in her life before the end of the night, and this was probably the most comical part about it - the guy I mentioned earlier, J we'll call him, said to me, "You know that guy came here with another girl, and he's over there making out with the one you showed up with...what the fuck?" I pretty much flat out said, "Well, maybe they have an open relationship. But I'm not dating her, so I could really care less." "Really?" he said, "Yeah man, she's just a friend of my sister that wanted to go out." "Really?" He said again. I think the whole situation was very strange for him, and while maybe it's a little wrong of me to feel this way, I really think it was quite comical. D can't get her life straight for the life of her - she'll say shit like, "I'm a loser" "I can have any guy I want" (except for a guy like me, unless of course he has zero experience in identifying red flags) "I'm never going to change." She literally can't control herself, it appears. It's not just an alcohol thing. The main theme of the night in my mind examining her behavior was, "She's completely gone." I don't feel as though there's much left of her as a person - she feels to me, more or less, like a kind of empty vessel that acts primarily as a result of natural biology. She's not completely -stupid-, but I don't think she's ever had a real job for long, and based on some of her drunken random conversations in the car ride home, her father physically and sexually abused her and her sister. She needs therapy, not binge drinking and random sex. But apparently, the latter is how she fills her void, even though it's quite obviously destroying her.
I told her today, "You should really try and live an alcohol free life." I'm done investing any time or energy into interacting with her even on a surface level - I only ever did, I think, because she was a friend of my sister's and around often enough that I had my curiosity piqued - but last night definitely showed me who she really is. I recall one thing she had said a little louder than she should have while dancing with the random dude - "I'm not a whore like everyone thinks I am." How can her perception of herself be so far out of tune with reality? But then again, wasn't my own not even two months ago, and am I not still struggling to realign it with the truth and the light?
I started reading "How to Think about Weird Things" and I do enjoy it. I feel like the first chapter is this huge straw man they are building up to tear down...but I am going to give it a chance.
Work has been good. G moved and the atmosphere has changed considerably. He was essentially dead weight for the past few months - nice enough guy, I guess (not to the mother of his child, if what he says is true) but really lacking in motivation and work ethic. The rest of the guys I'm working with are fun to be around and always willing to help if needed. I've had a lot of fun the past week at work, to be honest.
I made a deal with God the other night that if he could help me with my insecurities, I'd be ready to move on to something more meaningful with my life. I guess we'll see what happens. Last night showed me that I can handle very chaotic, random, unexpected circumstances incredibly well...that's one sign, I suppose.
In any case, the happenings of the night go something like this.
My sister's friend, "D" - yes, the crazy girl I would never sleep with in a million years, but who wants to sleep with me (and there is no surprise there as she admitted, while being blackout drunk, that she has slept with hundreds of men) - invited me out to have some drinks. Okay, I'll oblige. I was really on the fence, but I decided, why not - one more time to be sure this person is basically a textbook definition of a sociopath (at least while she's drinking) with zero inhibitions and a penchant for superficial glib. On our way south to a bar out in the boondocks, I had to stop and use the bathroom on the side of the road. Low and behold, when I'm finished and get back in my car, someone pulls up behind me. Who is it? Well, it's a cop, but I don't know that yet. I looked back in the headlights a couple times and decided I'd get up and approach, for better or worse. Turns out that was probably a good decision on my part, and I'll bear it in mind for future reference. He had just gotten out of his vehicle and was standing behind the door when he finally said, "Everything alright?" Yeah, absolutely, I said. I just had a long ride from Warren and really had to use the bathroom - that's alright isn't it? He replied, "Yeah, that's fine, as long as no one sees you." And I think at this point he wasn't suspicious at all, just sorta getting a kick out of this situation much like I was. I probably sounded a little humored when I responded, "You didn't see me did you?" With a smirk on my face, and at that point he said, "I just saw that you had pulled over and wanted to make sure everything was alright." With that I said, "Alright, Thanks." And turned around and went back to my car. I had zero anxiety in this encounter. The whole thing literally felt like a work exchange for me - when I saw the headlights, I had that "Oh great, another person to wait on, another task to perform" feeling, which is more or less my complete and utter non-caring attitude shining through. I knew I had to address whoever it was, but I did it with a high degree of disinterest.
The bar was a dive. I did have a couple good conversations while she managed to get herself completely shit face drunk, though. One kid, same age as me, seemed to be going through some of the same issues I myself was, and it was nice for a change to see someone relatively sober and open enough to reveal a bit about himself - makes a person more real, I think. He seemed really familiar to be honest - I almost want to say he's one of the guys I worked with at Endeavor, if not related - but I didn't push the issue as there were some more pressing directions in the conversation. D managed to make out with some random guy she had never met before in her life before the end of the night, and this was probably the most comical part about it - the guy I mentioned earlier, J we'll call him, said to me, "You know that guy came here with another girl, and he's over there making out with the one you showed up with...what the fuck?" I pretty much flat out said, "Well, maybe they have an open relationship. But I'm not dating her, so I could really care less." "Really?" he said, "Yeah man, she's just a friend of my sister that wanted to go out." "Really?" He said again. I think the whole situation was very strange for him, and while maybe it's a little wrong of me to feel this way, I really think it was quite comical. D can't get her life straight for the life of her - she'll say shit like, "I'm a loser" "I can have any guy I want" (except for a guy like me, unless of course he has zero experience in identifying red flags) "I'm never going to change." She literally can't control herself, it appears. It's not just an alcohol thing. The main theme of the night in my mind examining her behavior was, "She's completely gone." I don't feel as though there's much left of her as a person - she feels to me, more or less, like a kind of empty vessel that acts primarily as a result of natural biology. She's not completely -stupid-, but I don't think she's ever had a real job for long, and based on some of her drunken random conversations in the car ride home, her father physically and sexually abused her and her sister. She needs therapy, not binge drinking and random sex. But apparently, the latter is how she fills her void, even though it's quite obviously destroying her.
I told her today, "You should really try and live an alcohol free life." I'm done investing any time or energy into interacting with her even on a surface level - I only ever did, I think, because she was a friend of my sister's and around often enough that I had my curiosity piqued - but last night definitely showed me who she really is. I recall one thing she had said a little louder than she should have while dancing with the random dude - "I'm not a whore like everyone thinks I am." How can her perception of herself be so far out of tune with reality? But then again, wasn't my own not even two months ago, and am I not still struggling to realign it with the truth and the light?
I started reading "How to Think about Weird Things" and I do enjoy it. I feel like the first chapter is this huge straw man they are building up to tear down...but I am going to give it a chance.
Work has been good. G moved and the atmosphere has changed considerably. He was essentially dead weight for the past few months - nice enough guy, I guess (not to the mother of his child, if what he says is true) but really lacking in motivation and work ethic. The rest of the guys I'm working with are fun to be around and always willing to help if needed. I've had a lot of fun the past week at work, to be honest.
I made a deal with God the other night that if he could help me with my insecurities, I'd be ready to move on to something more meaningful with my life. I guess we'll see what happens. Last night showed me that I can handle very chaotic, random, unexpected circumstances incredibly well...that's one sign, I suppose.
