(no subject)

I had some pretty interesting dreams last night. For one, elenbarathi had her name changed to "redstar barathi" so whatever that might mean I haven't a clue. Most of what I dreamed has fled at this point - I recall I was in a place I've been before (in a dream), it was probably something like an old decrepit castle, complete with terrors, traps and the like. Someone was with me this time, though I don't recall who, and eventually I'm captured. I also remember another dream where there were domesticated red foxes, complete with shock collars. Of course the denizens of the dream tried to convince me they were wild and free. It was apparent they were not.

I spent a couple hours with rick at the bar tonight. I bowed out, and he went off to a little get together at Nash's, whom I have yet to really hang out with. I was invited, but it was already midnight (and I should be in bed at this point too, but I'm not.)

As I unlocked my car, I crossed the road and heard two women talking and walking down the street - I glanced over but didn't recognize either, so I sat down in my driver's seat. Lo and behold as they passed the one on the right glanced back, and yea, I'd know that face anywhere. I should, because I was engaged to her and was with her for over two years. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. The only reason I even give it a passing mention is because that left a pretty big impact on me. She wasn't on my mind at all, it's not as if I was looking to see her in a random face. The one thing that struck me was that she wasn't pregnant...and so I have to assume either she already had the child, it was a lie, or she miscarried. The first seems unlikely. I'm sure eventually the truth will float my way, whether I like it or not...but I guess the whole experience of seeing her again was a little unsettling. Having someone I was that close to completely cut ties with me, never speak to me again for over five years, and then randomly appear and not even bother to say hello, was hurtful to say the least. Some things never change I guess.

Tonight impressed upon me the tired old feeling of being out of place. I don't remember feeling this way as much when I was in Cordova...I have to really ask myself if I should change my location before I get too much older, and maybe, for once, take a few risks in life. If I crash and burn, so be it - I think I'll still be better off in the long run than if I had made a number of other terrible decisions that I certainly could have. So many things could have gone differently, and badly, prior to this point in time. But here I am, in relative good health (besides cicatritial alopecia and other skin issues) in better physical shape than I have ever been, and just as thirsty for new experiences. I'll be 27 in a month - I have missed dates for early college enrollment, but I may just take it all more seriously as the fall comes nearer, and focus on next year. I'm not so concerned with what degree I get or what I end up doing...I think rather that I just want to learn some more, and have some more interesting conversations with interesting people, and see a different part of the world for a time.

I'll be walking away from a high paying job, but then, what good is money if I'm all alone, old, and tired from the loneliness? Better that I take a leap of faith, and ride this life out as if I'm in my last days. Because I certainly could be.

I worked on music for a couple hours prior to this entry - it went better than it has in a long time. Nothing complete, but lots of good ideas and interesting tones and feelings were expressed in a manner of ease that I haven't had in ages.

My concerns about my own persona have been melting away. Even if people see me as eccentric or disordered, they don't let it on too well. My friend Rob actually told me Thursday night that it was nice to be around somebody "normal" at the bar, as opposed to the list of usual suspects. That's a hell of a compliment, for me - it probably wouldn't be for many others. Being considered normal is good, because much of my anxiety has been tied up in the worry that I am quite obviously "different." Maybe I'm not, after all - just a little smarter and a little wiser, and a little deeper.

Dream

This one started out a little odd. Cass (the first person I ever fell into love with) and her brother Matt (an ex best friend) were at my house, presumably we were all doing something together. I feel like the attic may have been involved, but I could be wrong. I invited them to eat dinner, which may have been a bad idea - Matt at this point disappears from the dream, it's just Cass now. She comes downstairs where I'm sitting to eat, and leans over, pulling my head back to look at her. I remember my father said something - I know it had to deal with working at United - and it feels as though it dealt with how many more years I have remaining if I were to stay. It's a long time. By the time I'm done, if I'm not dead, I'll be nothing but a husk of what I am today. Cass says, "aren't you a spitting image of your father." It's at this point it strikes me. I say, "Yeah, but unlike him I may quit at any time." There's no response to that. The scenery changes. I can't remember this convoluted part of the dream all too well - I know Cass ends up in it again, and I'm not sure how I get to her. Instead of taking my car, we take hers - whatever that is (she's never had a vehicle.) She has kids mind you, and they end up in the dream as well - at least, I assume the one we have with us is hers. This is the point of this section of the dream, along with another point. We enter a building in Warren, which appears to be some kind of child-care center. She spins me around, and proceeds to say something like, "I love your style of hair." She references the ponytail and bandana, then says something else like, "I'd love to see what Mark would do if you walked into my house with me. He wouldn't even be able to hurt you." So yeah, then it gets borderline sexual. Just kissing, although quite passionate. Even -I- was passionate, I guess I had reason to be. She's a person that I loved in a way that's never been re-experienced, I had opportunities with her I never took, primarily because she was 4 years older than me and I was still a virgin.

The second point of the this section was, quite apparently, how ill equipped and psychologically ready I am to have a child or raise it. Well, I already know that. I was quite unhappy helping take care of her little one in the dream. The damn thing quite nearly urinated all over me, actually. I suppose one could see this all as comical, but to my dream mind, it was horrifying.

This dream was quite striking, else I wouldn't have bothered writing it down in great detail. There's definitely major points which are apparent: fear that I will never leave United, and live like my father minus a loving wife...fear that I could not be a good father to a child...and maybe that the broken heart that I gave my self by loving Cass still hasn't quite healed. It's disappointing to consider these things.

I want to say I'm going to be out of here and somewhere else soon. I want to say that, I want to believe it. I don't think I have any choice in the matter anymore. If I don't do it, I fear I will continue on this path, with little change, little stimulation, little chance for love and happiness. I fear I have to get out of here, whether I like it or not. I have this one life to live, I can not sacrifice it on some retarded altar of fear and a need to fulfill security addictions. It may already be too late, but I can at least TRY. I don't so much CARE what happens, I just know that it will be DIFFERENT than this, and it will require me to make different decisions. If I can't handle it...if I crash and burn...I hope I can make it back.

It's not that I mind it here, or that I hate it. In fact, there's so much to love and enjoy about this place. But it's so dreadfully lonely.