(no subject)
Jul. 6th, 2014 03:02 amI had some pretty interesting dreams last night. For one, elenbarathi had her name changed to "redstar barathi" so whatever that might mean I haven't a clue. Most of what I dreamed has fled at this point - I recall I was in a place I've been before (in a dream), it was probably something like an old decrepit castle, complete with terrors, traps and the like. Someone was with me this time, though I don't recall who, and eventually I'm captured. I also remember another dream where there were domesticated red foxes, complete with shock collars. Of course the denizens of the dream tried to convince me they were wild and free. It was apparent they were not.
I spent a couple hours with rick at the bar tonight. I bowed out, and he went off to a little get together at Nash's, whom I have yet to really hang out with. I was invited, but it was already midnight (and I should be in bed at this point too, but I'm not.)
As I unlocked my car, I crossed the road and heard two women talking and walking down the street - I glanced over but didn't recognize either, so I sat down in my driver's seat. Lo and behold as they passed the one on the right glanced back, and yea, I'd know that face anywhere. I should, because I was engaged to her and was with her for over two years. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. The only reason I even give it a passing mention is because that left a pretty big impact on me. She wasn't on my mind at all, it's not as if I was looking to see her in a random face. The one thing that struck me was that she wasn't pregnant...and so I have to assume either she already had the child, it was a lie, or she miscarried. The first seems unlikely. I'm sure eventually the truth will float my way, whether I like it or not...but I guess the whole experience of seeing her again was a little unsettling. Having someone I was that close to completely cut ties with me, never speak to me again for over five years, and then randomly appear and not even bother to say hello, was hurtful to say the least. Some things never change I guess.
Tonight impressed upon me the tired old feeling of being out of place. I don't remember feeling this way as much when I was in Cordova...I have to really ask myself if I should change my location before I get too much older, and maybe, for once, take a few risks in life. If I crash and burn, so be it - I think I'll still be better off in the long run than if I had made a number of other terrible decisions that I certainly could have. So many things could have gone differently, and badly, prior to this point in time. But here I am, in relative good health (besides cicatritial alopecia and other skin issues) in better physical shape than I have ever been, and just as thirsty for new experiences. I'll be 27 in a month - I have missed dates for early college enrollment, but I may just take it all more seriously as the fall comes nearer, and focus on next year. I'm not so concerned with what degree I get or what I end up doing...I think rather that I just want to learn some more, and have some more interesting conversations with interesting people, and see a different part of the world for a time.
I'll be walking away from a high paying job, but then, what good is money if I'm all alone, old, and tired from the loneliness? Better that I take a leap of faith, and ride this life out as if I'm in my last days. Because I certainly could be.
I worked on music for a couple hours prior to this entry - it went better than it has in a long time. Nothing complete, but lots of good ideas and interesting tones and feelings were expressed in a manner of ease that I haven't had in ages.
My concerns about my own persona have been melting away. Even if people see me as eccentric or disordered, they don't let it on too well. My friend Rob actually told me Thursday night that it was nice to be around somebody "normal" at the bar, as opposed to the list of usual suspects. That's a hell of a compliment, for me - it probably wouldn't be for many others. Being considered normal is good, because much of my anxiety has been tied up in the worry that I am quite obviously "different." Maybe I'm not, after all - just a little smarter and a little wiser, and a little deeper.
I spent a couple hours with rick at the bar tonight. I bowed out, and he went off to a little get together at Nash's, whom I have yet to really hang out with. I was invited, but it was already midnight (and I should be in bed at this point too, but I'm not.)
As I unlocked my car, I crossed the road and heard two women talking and walking down the street - I glanced over but didn't recognize either, so I sat down in my driver's seat. Lo and behold as they passed the one on the right glanced back, and yea, I'd know that face anywhere. I should, because I was engaged to her and was with her for over two years. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. The only reason I even give it a passing mention is because that left a pretty big impact on me. She wasn't on my mind at all, it's not as if I was looking to see her in a random face. The one thing that struck me was that she wasn't pregnant...and so I have to assume either she already had the child, it was a lie, or she miscarried. The first seems unlikely. I'm sure eventually the truth will float my way, whether I like it or not...but I guess the whole experience of seeing her again was a little unsettling. Having someone I was that close to completely cut ties with me, never speak to me again for over five years, and then randomly appear and not even bother to say hello, was hurtful to say the least. Some things never change I guess.
Tonight impressed upon me the tired old feeling of being out of place. I don't remember feeling this way as much when I was in Cordova...I have to really ask myself if I should change my location before I get too much older, and maybe, for once, take a few risks in life. If I crash and burn, so be it - I think I'll still be better off in the long run than if I had made a number of other terrible decisions that I certainly could have. So many things could have gone differently, and badly, prior to this point in time. But here I am, in relative good health (besides cicatritial alopecia and other skin issues) in better physical shape than I have ever been, and just as thirsty for new experiences. I'll be 27 in a month - I have missed dates for early college enrollment, but I may just take it all more seriously as the fall comes nearer, and focus on next year. I'm not so concerned with what degree I get or what I end up doing...I think rather that I just want to learn some more, and have some more interesting conversations with interesting people, and see a different part of the world for a time.
I'll be walking away from a high paying job, but then, what good is money if I'm all alone, old, and tired from the loneliness? Better that I take a leap of faith, and ride this life out as if I'm in my last days. Because I certainly could be.
I worked on music for a couple hours prior to this entry - it went better than it has in a long time. Nothing complete, but lots of good ideas and interesting tones and feelings were expressed in a manner of ease that I haven't had in ages.
My concerns about my own persona have been melting away. Even if people see me as eccentric or disordered, they don't let it on too well. My friend Rob actually told me Thursday night that it was nice to be around somebody "normal" at the bar, as opposed to the list of usual suspects. That's a hell of a compliment, for me - it probably wouldn't be for many others. Being considered normal is good, because much of my anxiety has been tied up in the worry that I am quite obviously "different." Maybe I'm not, after all - just a little smarter and a little wiser, and a little deeper.