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Weirdness today. I came home and ate about three bowls of corn flake cereal, and then I promptly laid myself down to sleep about 5pm. I woke up at midnight. Either I'm catching a bit of something, or I'm back to my old day-shift tricks of running on constant sleep deprivation. Now that I think about it, it could explain why I haven't been sore after working out. Either way, I'm still awake at 2am and this absolutely sucks. My body clock still is not on day shift, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm just not all that "well" right now. My scalp was acting up a bit this week to boot, and my face is breaking out in weird ways it normally doesn't. All bad signals. Luckily the scalp thing died down quickly (I think.) It has been a year or so since I had a full blown outbreak there.
Yes, I bought a car. A brand new 2014 Chevrolet Cruze in Tungsten Metallic. The engine looks far easier to work on than one would expect with a modern vehicle. I did not finance because the interest rates were terrible (that seems like a lot of money to spend at once, but remember, I've been saving over half of every paycheck for the past three years.) I actually went into a rant about the credit system at one point with their finance guy - I know he didn't care, and a lot of dealerships make money off of finance anyway. But it was nice to blow off a little steam. 7.1% interest for someone who paid carefully on college loans for a few years, and has no bad credit, seems a little ridiculous. The banks would have made $1500 off of me over the life of the loan, simply to boost my credit score a bit - and according to the finance guy, if I didn't have active debt in the past six months, my score was effectively zero - and I've heard I need a 750 to mortgage a house, so it looks like I'll never be buying a house on credit (or ever. Because I'm an anarcho-syndicalist communist whatever.)
I really accomplished zilch again this week. I guess that's okay; things still aren't right and I'm still quite out of it. Getting this whole car thing lined up last week and the beginning of this one took even more of my spoons - I really doubt I'll be going anywhere or doing much of anything this weekend, unless I feel particularly energetic tomorrow. I'm worried that this pattern may never change without a major life changing event, but I can't change it all at once...and right now I feel like I need to work on my self more than I need to work on fixing anything "out there" in my life.
I successfully managed to get myself called a bitter psychopath on the internet tonight, over a comment on some "nice guy" article. I said something to the effect of, "I feel very little pity for those who avoid the good and virtuous at all costs and instead pursue abusive, or "dark-triad" men." (and this issue is close to my heart because a lot of female friends I've known around here end up having children or staying in abusive relationships with these "negative" men.) Apparently it's very politically incorrect to suggest that women who stay in abusive relationships are even partially to blame for the situation, and I even mentioned the master exception, that is, most people don't actually control whether they are codependent or not - it's how they were made (and it takes work to fix that.) Still, a bitter psychopath? I really love the internet.
I suppose maybe I was a little harsh as a whole, but the Jenn thing sticks with me. Cheated on so many times, abused, emotionally and physically, made to be dependent on someone who is very undependable by nature. And one time I suggested, "just leave him." To which she responded, "But the sex is so good, and I don't think I can get anything close to it anywhere else." Sometimes it seems like the world is just this big comedy club and I'm not really allowed to be a part of it, but instead, I get to become the most cynical and jaded man the world has ever known. You can't judge all women on one, you probably can't even judge a small portion of women on one, but the fact that the statement was ever made, and I had to hear it, is insane.
This week dragged on. Very little work at work, and a lot of chatting with a newer employee who is filling in at the warehouse. He's quite gifted, good for conversation, and dating a friend's ex-girlfriend (whom I was also friends with when I was a teenager.) This helped brighten my spirits a bit, which is good. Still lonely on the love front, though - but that really can't change until I figure out where I can broaden my pool of potentials. I don't even know any at the moment, besides the crazy girl who's younger than me with three children she doesn't have custody of, parties all the time, is on probation and is my sister's friend. SHE still wants me around, and I'm almost at the point where I may oblige her and go hang out. I really feel like it's a bad idea, and I'm starting to wonder if fate is just getting a huge kick out of leading women like her in my direction while keeping all the other ones way out of reach.
This has been random and rambling, and I feel like there's plenty of other things I'd like to write about, but I'll leave it at this for now.
Yes, I bought a car. A brand new 2014 Chevrolet Cruze in Tungsten Metallic. The engine looks far easier to work on than one would expect with a modern vehicle. I did not finance because the interest rates were terrible (that seems like a lot of money to spend at once, but remember, I've been saving over half of every paycheck for the past three years.) I actually went into a rant about the credit system at one point with their finance guy - I know he didn't care, and a lot of dealerships make money off of finance anyway. But it was nice to blow off a little steam. 7.1% interest for someone who paid carefully on college loans for a few years, and has no bad credit, seems a little ridiculous. The banks would have made $1500 off of me over the life of the loan, simply to boost my credit score a bit - and according to the finance guy, if I didn't have active debt in the past six months, my score was effectively zero - and I've heard I need a 750 to mortgage a house, so it looks like I'll never be buying a house on credit (or ever. Because I'm an anarcho-syndicalist communist whatever.)
I really accomplished zilch again this week. I guess that's okay; things still aren't right and I'm still quite out of it. Getting this whole car thing lined up last week and the beginning of this one took even more of my spoons - I really doubt I'll be going anywhere or doing much of anything this weekend, unless I feel particularly energetic tomorrow. I'm worried that this pattern may never change without a major life changing event, but I can't change it all at once...and right now I feel like I need to work on my self more than I need to work on fixing anything "out there" in my life.
I successfully managed to get myself called a bitter psychopath on the internet tonight, over a comment on some "nice guy" article. I said something to the effect of, "I feel very little pity for those who avoid the good and virtuous at all costs and instead pursue abusive, or "dark-triad" men." (and this issue is close to my heart because a lot of female friends I've known around here end up having children or staying in abusive relationships with these "negative" men.) Apparently it's very politically incorrect to suggest that women who stay in abusive relationships are even partially to blame for the situation, and I even mentioned the master exception, that is, most people don't actually control whether they are codependent or not - it's how they were made (and it takes work to fix that.) Still, a bitter psychopath? I really love the internet.
I suppose maybe I was a little harsh as a whole, but the Jenn thing sticks with me. Cheated on so many times, abused, emotionally and physically, made to be dependent on someone who is very undependable by nature. And one time I suggested, "just leave him." To which she responded, "But the sex is so good, and I don't think I can get anything close to it anywhere else." Sometimes it seems like the world is just this big comedy club and I'm not really allowed to be a part of it, but instead, I get to become the most cynical and jaded man the world has ever known. You can't judge all women on one, you probably can't even judge a small portion of women on one, but the fact that the statement was ever made, and I had to hear it, is insane.
This week dragged on. Very little work at work, and a lot of chatting with a newer employee who is filling in at the warehouse. He's quite gifted, good for conversation, and dating a friend's ex-girlfriend (whom I was also friends with when I was a teenager.) This helped brighten my spirits a bit, which is good. Still lonely on the love front, though - but that really can't change until I figure out where I can broaden my pool of potentials. I don't even know any at the moment, besides the crazy girl who's younger than me with three children she doesn't have custody of, parties all the time, is on probation and is my sister's friend. SHE still wants me around, and I'm almost at the point where I may oblige her and go hang out. I really feel like it's a bad idea, and I'm starting to wonder if fate is just getting a huge kick out of leading women like her in my direction while keeping all the other ones way out of reach.
This has been random and rambling, and I feel like there's plenty of other things I'd like to write about, but I'll leave it at this for now.
