Probably not much more lucid

This weekend was dreadfully boring. I accomplished zilch. Two of my better friends are out of town, and the third had his kid for the weekend. I should have taken the time to contact some of my other friends, but then again, this is my first weekend in about eight weeks, and I really don't want to feel bad about simply resting and recuperating. I did five sets of dead lifts today in my workout, plus overhead presses and curls. While the physical therapists seemed to think my dead lifting was part of the reason my knee issue worsened, I seem to be getting the opposite effect now that I've convinced myself to do them seriously - my knee has never felt BETTER and I think if I keep this up, the extra strength and hamstring stretching will remove the pain entirely. Sometimes I wonder if the medical industry itself is essentially built around the concept of, "how can we make as much money as possible?" I guess I should never expect honesty and best intentions out of someone if their need to eat is intrinsically linked to whether I show up for therapy or not

I'm falling back into a bit of an emotional slump. It's not as severe as it was, as I mentioned in the last entry...but it sucks, regardless. I want to believe that I can convince myself that however my life is at this moment, it's OKAY. But for whatever reason, even when I feel quite good about things and can deal with the reality, eventually the feelings of inadequacy, of desire, of needing "more" or needing to "fix this" and "fix that" creep in. It's far too draining for me to pursue for the rest of my life...and I really wish my head would just give it a rest already. I can't perfect myself, or my mind. And I certainly can't just conjure a perfect relationship, and a perfect job, and a perfect life. Which reminds me - an old friend of mine, I recall, seemed to think it was odd for me to tell her that "I just want everything to be okay" as if I was "setting the standards ridiculously low." I really didn't know how to respond to that...and truthfully, I haven't talked to her since. I really -do- just want everything to be okay - for me to live peacefully, and happily, and comfortably, hopefully with love of some kind, and not alone forever - but it seems that most people are very driven to achieve this or that physical or concrete "thing" in contrast to my very general "I just want to be okay" desire. Am I wrong to feel that way, I wonder? Am I really all that different? Prestige, fame, fortune on any level...really doesn't appeal to me.

Right now, I feel like my life is rather empty and meaningless - whether that's just existentialism or whether there's some objective truth to it I don't know (how could there be objective truth, I'm basing this conclusion on thoughts and feelings?) Maybe life really is basically meaningless, and I don't have enough of a social support group (and enough love and affection from real, physical people) to keep me feeling truly "balanced." But I can't just conjure that out of thin air, either. Most people have been building a support network up their entire lives - I guess in my case, I was too busy trying to figure myself out to really hand much time over to anyone else...and I think I'm still doing that today.

I think to myself, part of the reason things are so screwed up is because I don't live in a small community and walk everywhere, and I think that's probably somewhat true. I live out in the middle of nowhere - even if I went outside and followed a roadway for 6 miles, I wouldn't see much human activity. It begs the question though, isn't the grass always greener and is it really all that bad? The only thing that -really- sucks right now is that I'm not meeting or getting attention from women my age, but that's mostly because there really aren't any places people my age congregate besides pubs. And is that really where someone like me should be?

Really, should I need attention from women my age to feel good about my self? I have a lot of things to fix in this ego of mine, I'm afraid.