Probably not much more lucid

[sathor]

This weekend was dreadfully boring. I accomplished zilch. Two of my better friends are out of town, and the third had his kid for the weekend. I should have taken the time to contact some of my other friends, but then again, this is my first weekend in about eight weeks, and I really don't want to feel bad about simply resting and recuperating. I did five sets of dead lifts today in my workout, plus overhead presses and curls. While the physical therapists seemed to think my dead lifting was part of the reason my knee issue worsened, I seem to be getting the opposite effect now that I've convinced myself to do them seriously - my knee has never felt BETTER and I think if I keep this up, the extra strength and hamstring stretching will remove the pain entirely. Sometimes I wonder if the medical industry itself is essentially built around the concept of, "how can we make as much money as possible?" I guess I should never expect honesty and best intentions out of someone if their need to eat is intrinsically linked to whether I show up for therapy or not

I'm falling back into a bit of an emotional slump. It's not as severe as it was, as I mentioned in the last entry...but it sucks, regardless. I want to believe that I can convince myself that however my life is at this moment, it's OKAY. But for whatever reason, even when I feel quite good about things and can deal with the reality, eventually the feelings of inadequacy, of desire, of needing "more" or needing to "fix this" and "fix that" creep in. It's far too draining for me to pursue for the rest of my life...and I really wish my head would just give it a rest already. I can't perfect myself, or my mind. And I certainly can't just conjure a perfect relationship, and a perfect job, and a perfect life. Which reminds me - an old friend of mine, I recall, seemed to think it was odd for me to tell her that "I just want everything to be okay" as if I was "setting the standards ridiculously low." I really didn't know how to respond to that...and truthfully, I haven't talked to her since. I really -do- just want everything to be okay - for me to live peacefully, and happily, and comfortably, hopefully with love of some kind, and not alone forever - but it seems that most people are very driven to achieve this or that physical or concrete "thing" in contrast to my very general "I just want to be okay" desire. Am I wrong to feel that way, I wonder? Am I really all that different? Prestige, fame, fortune on any level...really doesn't appeal to me.

Right now, I feel like my life is rather empty and meaningless - whether that's just existentialism or whether there's some objective truth to it I don't know (how could there be objective truth, I'm basing this conclusion on thoughts and feelings?) Maybe life really is basically meaningless, and I don't have enough of a social support group (and enough love and affection from real, physical people) to keep me feeling truly "balanced." But I can't just conjure that out of thin air, either. Most people have been building a support network up their entire lives - I guess in my case, I was too busy trying to figure myself out to really hand much time over to anyone else...and I think I'm still doing that today.

I think to myself, part of the reason things are so screwed up is because I don't live in a small community and walk everywhere, and I think that's probably somewhat true. I live out in the middle of nowhere - even if I went outside and followed a roadway for 6 miles, I wouldn't see much human activity. It begs the question though, isn't the grass always greener and is it really all that bad? The only thing that -really- sucks right now is that I'm not meeting or getting attention from women my age, but that's mostly because there really aren't any places people my age congregate besides pubs. And is that really where someone like me should be?

Really, should I need attention from women my age to feel good about my self? I have a lot of things to fix in this ego of mine, I'm afraid.

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Heya, m'friend; all these long thoughtful posts of yours I want to reply to - working my way backward, so please excuse if I missed something.

Spending the weekend just resting and recuperating sounds perfectly reasonable after working like you have been. What's making the 'boredom'? Was it because you really wanted to be doing other things, or because you felt guilty about not wanting to do anything else?

Re: your knee: as long as you're stretching correctly before and after, and using scrupulously correct form when you lift, you probably won't injure it more. Whatever damage you've previously done to the cartilege, tendons and so on isn't going to go away just-like-that, though, so go easy and work up slowly. Ice is your friend - I freeze wet hand-towels in zip-lock freezer bags so they're always handy; drop one into a flannel pillowcase to use on stressed joints and muscles; it makes a great deal of difference.

Re: falling back into the slump: are you still doing H2HC every day? By now you will have discovered what my Initiatory candidates all learned: it's not as easy as it sounds to do a practice for 30 consecutive days. However, if you can manage to do it, you'll be able to deal with the slumps.

There's not a thing wrong with wanting to lead a simple life of homegrown love and contentment. That's been the ideal of the Good Life since Pythagoras; prestige, fame and fortune have been regarded as vanity, fluff and dross by philosophers right along. But as you will have noticed, this era is not exactly the heydey of Philosophy. According to the Consumer Culture, there's no such thing as 'enough' everybody's supposed to want MORE of everything all the time. "Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers" - that's no way to live.

Nothing wrong with making plans to improve your life, either, if what you're doing is really making plans, not just ruminating about what's wrong in all its gory details. There will always be things wrong; some you can fix, some you can't, and some you just have to keep patching. A notebook can be very useful, because when thoughts occur to you, you can jot them down for later consideration instead of spinning them round and round in your head. You may even want to designate a regular Planning Session once a week, where you sit down and go over your goals, strategies and progress in your various endeavors, and refuse to spend time thinking about all that outside of the Session.

(Long comment is long again; continued...)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

The question of whether or not your life is empty and meaningless is wholly subjective. From an objective viewpoint, the meaning of life is life, the purpose of life is living, and the goal of life is to go on living. How a life feels to the one living it can only be known by that one - whether it's pleasant or painful, boring or interesting, bitter or sweet.

The two big factors in human social life are Love and Work. Your job pays the bills, but apparently doesn't fulfill your needs for achievement, intellectual stimulation, creative expression or cameraderie. Your life isn't loveless - you have both family and friends who care about you - but you don't have a mate, and you're at the age when finding one is a high priority. It's not your ego to blame; what you're experiencing is the Biological Imperative.

It's not a matter of whether you 'should' need attention from women your age to feel good about yourself. You're a young man; you do need attention from young women to feel good about yourself, just as the young women need attention from young men to feel good about themselves. You can survive without it - humans are tough; we can manage to survive without a lot of things we need - but doing so naturally lowers the quality of your life.

I checked out the Warren County Community Pages, and really, it's a lovely place you live in, with quite a bit of interest going on for such a small town. Of course, if you're living out in the country and spending most of your waking hours at work, you're probably missing most of that. But once your schedule settles down a bit, there's no reason you couldn't get yourself to town a bit more often, and try some of the assorted community activities.

(Ack, company's just arrived; more later if they leave early enough. *hugs*)

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think the boredom mostly comes from feeling like I should be doing something else. As though doing what I am now, that is, not much on weekends, isn't progressing me anywhere, towards anything, except old age. It is probably just another way I'm beating myself up - I suppose I should, maybe, have a more vibrant social life and be actively out seeing friends and doing things as often as possible, but I just can't muster the energy (I often don't have the spoons available on the weekends.) I spend enough time around many different people at work...even if it's not young women...that it can be hard to do so for much more than a small time outside of it. Working on buying a car this week definitely roasted my extroverted reserves, too - and I don't have much of that to begin with. Luckily, I think I have that wrapped up.

I do like female attention, I crave it a bit actually, but it has been a long time since I've simply had it by virtue of being around them. Anymore, I'm just a shadow on the wall - there are men far more willing to entertain nearby women (and typically more attractive) in any recent situation I can think of, and ladies typically congregate towards those guys. I'm not much of an entertainer...I like ideas, and talking, but I'm not wired to be a comedian or great personality. That goes back to some of that nice guy nonsense, but I think it's relatively accurate. Should I work on those aspects, should I try to be more entertaining? I'm not sure I have the energy for it, and that by itself is probably a part of the "weeding out" process of potential mates for women.

I have been keeping my rumination on hold mostly, and have been reading H2HC, but I still need to sit down and go over, and take notes, of what I need to be doing on a daily basis. Tomorrow will be that day, I think - I have nothing planned and don't want to waste my day away.

If I can get my energy levels back up, I definitely want to pursue the community aspect more...amongst so many other things. I just feel broken and beat up currently - I'm sure part of that is shutdown, coming back to days...and part of it is probably some other things that I've still not quite mastered or figured out about my body and well being.

-hugs- Thanks Elen

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Surely welcome, hon. BTW, you may call me Jess if you like - Elen is actually one of my fictional/roleplaying characters.

Very glad you're still doing H2HC! Have you got the 12 Pathways memorized yet? If not, I suggest doing that, and then go through them a couple of times every day, especially any time you're feeling stressed. They're a highly effective anti-rumination tool, partly because they're phrased in such unmusical prose that one can't just sing them 'on autopilot', as it were.

Seems to me that you're already doing a lot - not just working at your demanding job, but doing the all-important inner work that will shape your character and thought for the rest of your life. Nobody sees you doing it; there's no external rewards like grades, pay or prestige, and so it's easy to discount the fact that you ARE doing it. "The progress is the practice", young Jedi; it's how you make your Will manifest, and even after this short time, you're seeing the results. So, give yourself credit where credit is due, right?

You're a healthy, heterosexual young man, and all the forces of Nature are naturally impelling you to crave the attention of women. *grins* Civilizations rise and fall primarily because men crave the attention of women. You've got a lot to offer a potential mate; you just need a bit more 'curb appeal' - and part of that is realizing that healthy, heterosexual young women crave your attention just as much - if not more, because look at the effort and expense they go to, in order to try to be beautiful and fascinating.

So, yeah, you could 'work it' a little more than you do - not be phony and glad-handy, no, but put your best foot forward. More precisely, put your smile forward, even if your teeth are not perfect (and if they need work, go get it done) - not a big ol' grin, just a gentle lightening of your face. This is something you can practice, y'know - I did; 'resting bitch-face' runs in my family; if I didn't keep smiling, I'd end up looking like a sour old turtle. More importantly, the act of smiling itself elevates mood - smiling is a reflex, remember; the infant's instinctive response to loving contact; it's hooked into the brain's earliest programs. I did the practice of smiling as soon as I woke up every morning; smiling and telling myself something nice every time I saw my reflection; smiling at other people, and smiling whenever I saw something I liked. I roam through the Wild alone for miles, smiling at birds, flowers, the breeze in my hair... doesn't matter. Try it; it'll do a lot to cheer you up.

It will also do a lot to make you more attractive. If you look a woman in the eyes and smile at her as if she were a rare flower, she will notice you. Y'know, the Wild Rose Renaissance Faire is coming, and now you've got a new car - congratulations on that, by the way; well done! - suppose you went to that, by yourself, not with your friends? There'll be a lot of lovely ladies there, and Ren Faire is the best of places to practice one's gallantry, because Festival flirtations are string-free.

Go the first weekend and buy yourself a cloak - a nice cloak, a princely cloak; beautiful, warm, soft, and big enough to share. Don't buy black; it's trite and boring - go for the jewel-tones, deep green or blue. The wonderful thing about medieval clothing is how it makes everybody look so much better! Plain people look hot; already-hot-people look stunning (yeah, and watch out for that effect); even hairy old beer-bellied bikers make perfectly decent barbarians. A cloak, a tunic and a name are all you need; then you can go play, without complicating your life over-much. The first weekend is when all the smart ladies shop, while the selection is the best; if you're in there shopping alone, and you smile, they will talk to you.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I don't have the 12 pathways memorized yet, no. I was going over them the other day, and I have a feeling I'll be doing that a few more times in the coming weeks. The book really is quite enlightening, and at the least, it's a way for me to understand exactly what I'm experiencing and giving me words to describe it, and understand it...even if it's not quite science. It's helpful, although I'm not sure it's a "cure" - I'm sure it's not actually - and most recently some of my more deep seated issues came out (buying the car really made them apparent - the day I went to go get it, I haven't been so anxious/jittery in quite some time.) Seems to me it's kinda centered in the power/control and security centers - my "inability" to function in new situations or uncomfortable ones seems to stem from not being in control of the environment, which results in a feeling of deep insecurity. Not really sure how to get over that, though, I am aware of it anyway.

I've been very positive lately, whether that's H2HC directly or a combination of factors, the season, or what, I'm not quite sure. I seem to remember a similar time, back when I started at United - I had been single for an extensive period, and had finally...I think...gotten over my ex at the time. People used to call me "smiley" then. Just had that happen again today, actually. I remember once I started dating Meghan, and went into operations, everything seemed to go downhill. I don't think it was her fault, but there must have been some interaction that involved her and my general situation that was leading me into that negative spiral. Maybe that comes down to power control and security again - when I'm with someone, I lose a degree of freedom...I often felt obligated to do this or that, even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do...and I'm rambling.

I will cut this short and say I've been meaning to go to a medieval fair for years - but it is hard to do things alone. Part of doing something like that is to go and enjoy it with someone else...and I'm not the best with strangers, especially in situations where there's no real shared activity. Small talk is a not a strong point, and I tend to lend the control completely over to those around me, mostly because I don't have much of a "will" to speak of in that regard. You probably get what I mean, but if you need clarification just ask. I'm going to go to bed...and hopefully write an update tomorrow.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

[Second continuation]

Excellent to hear that you are feeling so positive!! A combination of factors, I would think - H2HC, the season, getting a decent amount of sleep: all to the good.

I hear ya about the 'losing freedom' issue - it's a primary reason why I'm not really open to having a boyfriend myself; much as I would love to have somebody to go dancing with, there would be all these, y'know, complications. But I've already had my family, already have an an eccentric old man to live with, and don't miss sharing a bed, so it's not the same.

Unfortunately, there is a huge cultural expectation in post-modern society, that a man is supposed to shower a woman with presents, favors and compliments, while she in return showers him with sexual attention. Usually both end up feeling ripped-off, because one can't buy love, nor feel loved while essentially selling one's favors. The best marriage I know of - which has steadily endured with love and good communication through some very difficult stuff - runs under the succinct motto "Nobody owes anybody a fucking thing". All acts of love and support are gifts freely given, to be cherished as such.

Y'know, Ken Keyes Jr. wrote another book, A Conscious Person's Guide To Relationships, which you might find useful as you suss out what you really want in a relationship. Obviously, you're seeking a lady of intelligence, character and emotional depth, not just some chickie to party with, but meeting some is just the beginning.

Small talk can be learned from books, m'friend; it's how I learned it. Judith Martin and Dale Carnegie taught me everything I needed to know, about what to say to people, and, more importantly, what not to say. The fact that there are zillions of "How To Talk To People" books on the market and selling well ought to cheer your heart: you are definitely not alone in your struggle to communicate productively with your own species.

(Comment too long again; continued...)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

*grins* "Not quite science" is a charitable way of putting it. It's not science at all; the Centers of Consciousness (AKA the chakras) don't literally exist within the body, nor correspond to any brain-structure. This is why H2HC comes under the heading of 'magick': "The art of causing Change to occur in accordance with Will."

It's a highly effective tool for that, and the reasons why it works are scientifically sound. The rational mind is a very powerful and versatile program of the brain, but it's not the only program; the non-rational programs are older, deeper and stronger, and can easily over-ride the rational. So, we rationally hack the non-rational programs to make our brains work better. LOL, if ever you want to delve into all that, I've got a truckload of books to recommend, but you don't need them to use the Methods.

It's not a 'cure' for anything because you're not sick with anything; you've just got some bad habits to alter, and you're already altering them. Now, sure, those bad habits would make you sick if you persisted in them: the psychic equivalent of a diet of coffee, alcohol, junk food and cigarettes. "Garbage In, Garbage Out', right? Thinking healthier thoughts is just like eating healthier food.

*hugs hugs* Buying a car is scary! There's so much that can go wrong with the process; I think even people who are skilled at that sort of thing feel anxious about it. I know I'll be shakin' in my boots when I have to go buy one, even though I will come armed with a tough old engineer as my advocate, so I'm particularly proud of you for just deciding to do it and doing it. There's no courage without fear, so instead of fretting about anxiety, just focus on cultivating your courage.; your do-it-anyway in the face of trepidation.

It's worked for me. There's a lot that scares the hell out of me; a lot more than makes me jangly - what can I say; I've got the neurology I have; high-strung, highly sensitive, hypervigilant, and with Aspie glitches in some of my social-processing programs. I do what I can to make things easier on myself, but some things will always be problematic. A useful phrase to keep in mind is "Don't compare your insides with someone else's outsides": just because someone is presenting a calmer or more 'professional' demeanor doesn't mean they're feeling any more comfortable than you. The calm and professional demeanor is learned behavior, which you can learn as well.

(Comment's getting too long; continued in next one...)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

[This is the third post in the sequence of continuations - I seem to have messed up the continuity; sorry!)

Yeah, it's hard to go do things alone. One has to achieve 'escape velocity' from the inertial pull of Just Staying Home all on one's own, without any of the (usual) "I have to go, dammit; I said I would" kick in the pants to get one dressed and out the door. There's all the fighting with one's clothing (mine fights back) and the what-to-bring, and, and, and... yeah. It's a total pain. Heh, what my daughter calls "the pre-scheduled pre-Event melt-down". One just has to soldier through that with "Dammit I AM going; I said I would!" and get out the frickin' door however one can. Once one is in the car and underway, the miasma clears and the Festival Wind starts to fill one's sails, but until that moment, the whole endeavor generally feels Futile And Doomed. I tell you this, who have been doing these events for decades: it's never easy to get out that door.

If you go with your friends, you'll be with your friends - you'll behave the way they're used to you behaving; they'll treat you the way they're used to treating you; there'll be no scope for you acting any differently than you always do. Moreover, you'll be part of a group, so the likelihood of your interacting with people as an individual plummets. No indeed; go on your own; the point of the exercise is to meet people you don't already know, who have no pre-conceived notions about you.

"Being at the Ren Faire" is a shared activity in itself; you'll see. Shopping for garb is a purposeful activity, and as you will find, the merchant women will be delighted to aid you in it. LOL, too delighted, perhaps; if you're nae canny they'll sell you way more than you ever planned to buy. Set yourself a budget; look at all the cloaks before you buy one, try the good ones on and ask the ladies what they think. A cloak is the most important piece of one's garb, and you'll be wearing it for decades, so choose carefully. I'd recommend dark-green wool with a hood and a soft, cozy lining, cut full and flowing, and no longer than calf-length (because long cloaks get draggled.) You'll know the right one when you put it on, because it'll make you feel like Aragorn.

Master James always tells his minions "Always say your name". Of course, that would be your persona-name at Faire, not your mundane name. So, have you got a persona-name? If you want one in Sindarin, I can help you find one: an Elvish name doesn't necessarily mean one is an Elf, but it does indicate at least elf-friendship. (LOL, the Sindar give everybody nicknames, friends and unfriends both.). The custom of addressing everybody as "Milady" or "Milord" makes life so simple, because nobody has to remember all these odd names, but introducing oneself by one's name straight-away does break the ice. "Greetings, my Lady, I am called ____" is all it takes.

ROFL, you know what the Art of Conversation really is? It's getting the other person to talk! Srsly, one can even consider it a game, the goal of which is to get people to tell one interesting and useful things. If you cultivate the art of 'drawing people out', you won't have to worry about making chit-chat, because they will fill all the air-space satisfying your most-gratifying curiosity about what they think and what they've done. One's curiosity may not always be as great as they suppose, but at least it's more interesting to listen to someone else than it is to listen to oneself.