Apr. 15th, 2014

Thoughts

Apr. 15th, 2014 10:10 am
sathor: (Default)
I've only scratched the surface of the Handbook to Higher Consciousness - immediately I drew the analogy to AA and NA literature. I have met a number of addicts in my life, one of which called me a "natural addict" - he figured that learning the twelve steps would improve my quality of life immensely. No surprise that HHC has twelve steps as well.

Bishop - a friend and the addict I speak of - is a really great, brilliant person - it's hard to believe that what befell him in life did. He of course blames his failed marriage on addiction, but I think given the circumstances (her leaving him for another alcoholic, my first girlfriend's father and his best friend at the time no less) there seems more than meets the eye. I have come across too many of these incredibly depressing stories when it comes to relationships...my parents are lucky to be so close and still in love, I guess. I still hope for that, but if I am a natural addict, I think I can probably forget about it...and the other aspects of my personality, and my difficulty with the social world...makes it seem basically impossible. I hate the prospect of being alone forever...but no matter what, I have to accept reality for what it is...and there is no magic bullet, though I wish there was. That concept of acceptance of what you can't change is hard to swallow - and I can't change the shit life throws at me. Though I might be able to (not measurably) increase my chances of a better outcome, I can't guarantee one. That's life. Just like I can't hold it against myself for having the kind of appearance issues that I do, or hold it against beautiful people for having a lot more options than myself...though even that is hard to swallow. The unfairness is hard to swallow, hard to tolerate, hard to accept. But what can I do? Not a thing. It's frustrating.

And life has been so utterly frustrating in general. I dedicated so many years pursuing music, trying to teach myself theory and piano and other instruments, and composition...so many hours, it's almost unfathomable. And yet, I still produce only amateurish music, barely worth letting anyone listen to. Ten thousand hours is approximately what is needed for "mastery", and I've got that in music easily...I'm not even what I'd call a moderate amateur. About the only thing I've mastered in this life is reading comprehension, and maybe writing. My heart was so set on love, and music...and maybe that's because, as an addict, I perceive making visible accomplishments in these areas to be the "solution." But there is no solution...although that doesn't change the fact that it hurts knowing I'm a failure in both so far, and I'm running out of time. When I see these seventeen and eighteen year old rock stars, it's infuriating on a level that's hard to explain to someone who doesn't feel it, too. It's another one of those, "you're beautiful, I'm ugly" situations...they obviously had no control over this "gift" or "hand" in life...and it's not even as if I am envious of their situation...it's just that, I've put in all of this work...why exactly could they do less and be lifetimes ahead? Life isn't fair, I guess.

I don't want to be a failure, though. I don't want to look back on my life when I'm in my mid thirties or forties and say, "I can't believe I spent twenty thousand hours on music to never produce anything worth a damn." Or, "I can't believe I spent seven+ years of my life in relationships, to end up alone." But there are no guarantees in life...no guarantees of anything...does that mean I have to give up on even caring about the outcome of my life or these pursuits? Should I just forget about it, and just do what I do, day after day, and not concern myself with the yet-to-be? If so, then really, I'm not sure it's even worth leaving a job like what I have...whether it's soul grinding or not. After all, at least I will be secure financially...I worry of too many things already, should I worry that one day I will be poor and unable to upkeep a home as well?

As far as HHC goes, it has made me more aware of a great deal already, with what little I've read and certainly not memorized. But even though I'm aware of it, I'm not too sure it's any kind of silver bullet...I think I'm much to screwed up for something like it to be.

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sathor

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