(no subject)

Slowly things return to the way they were before - I'm back to eight hour shifts, although I'm still on nights. Still, it doesn't really feel like I have any more time - night shift does that to me. I sleep way more than I would on days, and in general, I just don't have the ambition to do much of anything meaningful. I'd like to hold myself to changing my lifestyle considerably when I do return to days...including spending more time outside, reading books, and working with music...even if that means being a little less social (what few friends I have left, are all gamers, and I guess in a way, we support our addictions.)

I've decided I may buy a brand new vehicle. This serves more than one purpose...my current one is nearly completely shot, and would take a bit of work to pass inspection...and it's doubtful that it would make it more than one more year. If I buy something new, I can pay it off very quickly...and it will last me for a decade at least, one hopes. That's a really big deal, and it covers my ass if I do leave...and I can always sell it if I have no need of it any longer, for whatever reason.

If I can handle being back on day shift (the boredom, the constant social interaction, the same people day after day) I will try to stick things out awhile longer. Apparently there's only six people ahead of me for maintenance job bids, and my number might be up by the end of the year. I'll get some experience in a different field, learn a bit of a trade, and see how I feel about things then. I still feel very uncomfortable here...I still feel like my chances of settling down and having a family to be very dim in this place...but it is my best option right now financially...and there's no telling what the future holds. I guess in a way, I'm addicted to the ideal future, and that's a bit wrong...and it keeps me from enjoying what life I have today. The ideal future will never happen anyway...but something like it might, or something that's completely different and amazing could as well. Idealization seems to be one of my worst enemies, and has been for a very long time...that and perfectionism.

I find myself, in a way, seeing a lot of my faults and pitfalls lately - reminds me of the black mirror in self initiation. I know better than to beat myself up about it, but I certainly can't really blame loves from choosing another over me...or for being ignored by potentials. Can I change? I don't know. But I can hope that as I learn and grow and change, I will become a more virtuous and desirable person. I don't really feel a lot of the people in successful relationships are any better off than myself (if not on a lower vibration level all together), but such is the luck of the draw I suppose...and I'm not exactly compatible with just anyone.



I live a very solemn life of solitude...try as I might to hide it, and I have for years, the world sees clear through me. Maybe I'm a bit schizo-affective or schizoid...maybe I am a selective mute and I suffer from a social anxiety disorder that I've managed to control well...but it seems as though the world just doesn't react to me ideally...and I don't quite react appropriately either, I imagine. It would explain a lot about my life so far...but on the same token, I don't really want to believe I suffer from mental illness and that without intervention and drug use my quality of life would never improve (while being diminished by the side-effects.) One moment enters my mind from a cousin's birthday party - mind you, these people were not "my people" by a long shot, but by the end of the night, I was in a position to get jumped while my cousin was black-out drunk. "You're way too quiet" they said, and I could feel the aggression and "otherness" building. Not a lot I can do about that...I just don't communicate the same way, or about the same things. Makes me glad that I avoid alcohol like the plague, at this point, unless I'm with very good people I know well.