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I've only scratched the surface of the Handbook to Higher Consciousness - immediately I drew the analogy to AA and NA literature. I have met a number of addicts in my life, one of which called me a "natural addict" - he figured that learning the twelve steps would improve my quality of life immensely. No surprise that HHC has twelve steps as well.
Bishop - a friend and the addict I speak of - is a really great, brilliant person - it's hard to believe that what befell him in life did. He of course blames his failed marriage on addiction, but I think given the circumstances (her leaving him for another alcoholic, my first girlfriend's father and his best friend at the time no less) there seems more than meets the eye. I have come across too many of these incredibly depressing stories when it comes to relationships...my parents are lucky to be so close and still in love, I guess. I still hope for that, but if I am a natural addict, I think I can probably forget about it...and the other aspects of my personality, and my difficulty with the social world...makes it seem basically impossible. I hate the prospect of being alone forever...but no matter what, I have to accept reality for what it is...and there is no magic bullet, though I wish there was. That concept of acceptance of what you can't change is hard to swallow - and I can't change the shit life throws at me. Though I might be able to (not measurably) increase my chances of a better outcome, I can't guarantee one. That's life. Just like I can't hold it against myself for having the kind of appearance issues that I do, or hold it against beautiful people for having a lot more options than myself...though even that is hard to swallow. The unfairness is hard to swallow, hard to tolerate, hard to accept. But what can I do? Not a thing. It's frustrating.
And life has been so utterly frustrating in general. I dedicated so many years pursuing music, trying to teach myself theory and piano and other instruments, and composition...so many hours, it's almost unfathomable. And yet, I still produce only amateurish music, barely worth letting anyone listen to. Ten thousand hours is approximately what is needed for "mastery", and I've got that in music easily...I'm not even what I'd call a moderate amateur. About the only thing I've mastered in this life is reading comprehension, and maybe writing. My heart was so set on love, and music...and maybe that's because, as an addict, I perceive making visible accomplishments in these areas to be the "solution." But there is no solution...although that doesn't change the fact that it hurts knowing I'm a failure in both so far, and I'm running out of time. When I see these seventeen and eighteen year old rock stars, it's infuriating on a level that's hard to explain to someone who doesn't feel it, too. It's another one of those, "you're beautiful, I'm ugly" situations...they obviously had no control over this "gift" or "hand" in life...and it's not even as if I am envious of their situation...it's just that, I've put in all of this work...why exactly could they do less and be lifetimes ahead? Life isn't fair, I guess.
I don't want to be a failure, though. I don't want to look back on my life when I'm in my mid thirties or forties and say, "I can't believe I spent twenty thousand hours on music to never produce anything worth a damn." Or, "I can't believe I spent seven+ years of my life in relationships, to end up alone." But there are no guarantees in life...no guarantees of anything...does that mean I have to give up on even caring about the outcome of my life or these pursuits? Should I just forget about it, and just do what I do, day after day, and not concern myself with the yet-to-be? If so, then really, I'm not sure it's even worth leaving a job like what I have...whether it's soul grinding or not. After all, at least I will be secure financially...I worry of too many things already, should I worry that one day I will be poor and unable to upkeep a home as well?
As far as HHC goes, it has made me more aware of a great deal already, with what little I've read and certainly not memorized. But even though I'm aware of it, I'm not too sure it's any kind of silver bullet...I think I'm much to screwed up for something like it to be.
Bishop - a friend and the addict I speak of - is a really great, brilliant person - it's hard to believe that what befell him in life did. He of course blames his failed marriage on addiction, but I think given the circumstances (her leaving him for another alcoholic, my first girlfriend's father and his best friend at the time no less) there seems more than meets the eye. I have come across too many of these incredibly depressing stories when it comes to relationships...my parents are lucky to be so close and still in love, I guess. I still hope for that, but if I am a natural addict, I think I can probably forget about it...and the other aspects of my personality, and my difficulty with the social world...makes it seem basically impossible. I hate the prospect of being alone forever...but no matter what, I have to accept reality for what it is...and there is no magic bullet, though I wish there was. That concept of acceptance of what you can't change is hard to swallow - and I can't change the shit life throws at me. Though I might be able to (not measurably) increase my chances of a better outcome, I can't guarantee one. That's life. Just like I can't hold it against myself for having the kind of appearance issues that I do, or hold it against beautiful people for having a lot more options than myself...though even that is hard to swallow. The unfairness is hard to swallow, hard to tolerate, hard to accept. But what can I do? Not a thing. It's frustrating.
And life has been so utterly frustrating in general. I dedicated so many years pursuing music, trying to teach myself theory and piano and other instruments, and composition...so many hours, it's almost unfathomable. And yet, I still produce only amateurish music, barely worth letting anyone listen to. Ten thousand hours is approximately what is needed for "mastery", and I've got that in music easily...I'm not even what I'd call a moderate amateur. About the only thing I've mastered in this life is reading comprehension, and maybe writing. My heart was so set on love, and music...and maybe that's because, as an addict, I perceive making visible accomplishments in these areas to be the "solution." But there is no solution...although that doesn't change the fact that it hurts knowing I'm a failure in both so far, and I'm running out of time. When I see these seventeen and eighteen year old rock stars, it's infuriating on a level that's hard to explain to someone who doesn't feel it, too. It's another one of those, "you're beautiful, I'm ugly" situations...they obviously had no control over this "gift" or "hand" in life...and it's not even as if I am envious of their situation...it's just that, I've put in all of this work...why exactly could they do less and be lifetimes ahead? Life isn't fair, I guess.
I don't want to be a failure, though. I don't want to look back on my life when I'm in my mid thirties or forties and say, "I can't believe I spent twenty thousand hours on music to never produce anything worth a damn." Or, "I can't believe I spent seven+ years of my life in relationships, to end up alone." But there are no guarantees in life...no guarantees of anything...does that mean I have to give up on even caring about the outcome of my life or these pursuits? Should I just forget about it, and just do what I do, day after day, and not concern myself with the yet-to-be? If so, then really, I'm not sure it's even worth leaving a job like what I have...whether it's soul grinding or not. After all, at least I will be secure financially...I worry of too many things already, should I worry that one day I will be poor and unable to upkeep a home as well?
As far as HHC goes, it has made me more aware of a great deal already, with what little I've read and certainly not memorized. But even though I'm aware of it, I'm not too sure it's any kind of silver bullet...I think I'm much to screwed up for something like it to be.
no subject
Date: 2014-04-15 05:19 pm (UTC)First, I'm very glad you're reading H2HC, yay! And no, of course it's not any kind of a 'silver bullet' for anybody. The Methods work if you work them - if you just read about them and say "Ah yes, very interesting, now I understand", they won't do a damn thing. Finish the book and then put it to the test - 30 consecutive days of following the instructions - before you draw any conclusions about it. Then, after the 30 days, you can go on using the Methods for the rest of your life - the same as me - whenever you need them.
After working with a LOT of people with drug and alcohol issues, having seen who recovers and who doesn't, I will say categorically that I do not believe there is any such thing as a "natural addict". I also don't hold with AA, because their theory is based on utter pseudo-science, and their rate of recovery is shite. I think I posted you a link before, to Rational Recovery, which has a lot sounder theory, and a far better success-rate.
You are behaving as an addict when you indulge your addictive cravings in spite of negative consequences. Rational Recovery is all about hearing, recognizing, and standing up to your own Addictive Voice that tells you to do whatever bad-for-you thing you do to alter your brain-chemistry - whether that's drinking alcohol, taking drugs, nomming carbs, swilling caffeine, training to exhaustion, engaging in high-risk behavior, having empty sex, shopping compulsively, or engaging in rumination:
LOL, I hear ya about the 'achievement' question. Three of my Initiatory students have written multiple books; I've written none so far. My 24-year-old daughter's just published her first fantasy novel, while my own has hung half-finished in Limbo for over a decade, and will probably never attain a publishable form. I too have devoted my life to music; my 33-year-old protege has three albums out and is becoming a Name in the music world, while I play occasionally at the little local Fairs. My 18-year-old protege, whom I've taught since he was 5, is twice the musician I was at his age, and will probably be famous before he's 40. They say 'Those that can't do, teach', and that saying has hurt my heart many a time, but the answer I have is that teaching is what I DO, and I am proud of all my students, not just the conspicuously-successful ones.
(Ack, too long; continued next comment)
no subject
Date: 2014-04-15 05:20 pm (UTC)Those 17- and 18-year-old rock stars are being eaten alive, my friend; they're sacrifices on the altar of Mammon, and if you think your life sucks out loud, consider what theirs is like. Oh sure, "That ain't workin; play the gui-tar on the MTV" - looks like fun, all that money and booze and pot and speed and chicks, all that adulation - the whole world screaming your name, wanting a piece of you - how many pieces of yourself do you think you could spare?
No indeed, young Jedi, I can tell you very succinctly why I am not 'successful' in music: because I have never been willing to pay the price of success. Could I have been? Who knows? Even in the relatively-benign world of Celtic/folk/filk, it's an incredible amount of work to market oneself, and it's the marketing that makes the fame, not the raw talent. So, fuck fame, sez me, and if I get paid, that's nice but it's not why I play. And for sure, there are better players - there'll always be better players - so what? Let there be music; let everyone play and sing; it's not a competition.
As for beautiful/ugly, everybody who's depressed is convinced they are ugly, and everybody who's depressed looks depressed, which is not attractive, so your opinion of your own looks is like an anorexic's opinion of her weight. I wager when you are out of this depression, you will decide you're not so bad. Anyway, if you could trade Intelligence for Charisma, would you do it? You look at all these guys, thinking their lives are easier than yours because they're cuter than you, but they're also stupider, and they will be just as stupid when the cuteness has worn off.
Must run, hon; hope your day goes well; more tomorrow if my new computer gets set up!
no subject
Date: 2014-04-16 02:27 pm (UTC)I've had pretty easy-going shifts with very little need for extensive work - I've just been cleaning and putting away returned parts and bolting that weren't used. Not a lot getting taken out of stock currently, and hopefully I'll be back to normal shifts within a week or two.
Rumination is terrible, you're right, and being mindful of it and actively trying to put a stop to it has been helping me immensely. I'm hoping I don't always have to be vigilant for the rest of my life, but it's better than the alternative. All that being said, though, I'm still not sure about my own biochemistry and how much it plays a role in my swinging emotional states. Sometimes I manage to stay in a state long enough to get comfortable, and other times it seems like every few days I'm up, and then I'm down. I feel pretty good right now, but there's no telling how long that will last.
I wasn't just referring to addiction with regards to AA and NA literature...but also addiction with regards to H2HC. Addiction to different desires and things I can't necessarily control, and allowing my emotions to control my decision making process...instead of having a decision making process, I guess? that is separate from it.
I'm going to head to bed now, I'll try and write more soon. You don't need to feel obligated to answer any comments I've made - although I wouldn't mind, at some point, more direction on the lines of initiation. I've been interested in that my entire life, but I've also read enough to -think- I know that it is impossible to self-initiate.
no subject
Date: 2014-04-18 06:00 pm (UTC)Yay, very glad to hear that being mindful and countering the rumination is helping! If you work the Methods diligently whenever you need them, you will need them less and less as time goes by, because they really do re-train your brain. Rumination is insidious, though, and does tend to sneak back in, like weeds - one can never really be totally done weeding. I still do the 12 Pathways when I find I'm spinning myself up about some bullshit and can't stop thinking about it - LOL, I do them as 'rap', because one of my students long ago challenged me to rap them, and it amused me so much that I got in the habit of doing them that way (the Bardic brain is a music magnet.)
It's not impossible to self-Initiate, depending on how you define that, and what you seek. I recommend to you Maat Magick: A Guide To Self-Initiation by Nema Nema, who took 3rd degree Initiation from me and to whom I passed the leadership of my Coven when I moved West, but who was already a Priestess of Thelema when we met. Her future husband and High Priest was my housemate; she moved in shortly after they met, so we were living together while she wrote the first draft of that book. I have not read her newer book The Priesthood: Parameters And Responsibilities, but it may also be one you'd find useful. Note that Lady Nema's path and mine have diverged a long way over the past few decades, and may not be similar on any particular point.
I no longer do Initiatory training - I passed the Moon Crown to the last of my 3rd Degrees, Miria Liguana (whose other books are here) - she's the only Initiatory HPS of my lineage who's still taking students. Our paths have also diverged pretty far, though.
Certainly, I'm willing to discuss concepts, recommend books and suggest practices, but not in the context of Wiccan Initiation. I no longer think the hierarchical Initiatory model is a very useful one, and I definitely do not think the traditional Wiccan explanations for unusual experiences are plausible.
I'm enjoying our correspondence; just having difficulties with schedule and computer - no worries! *hugs*
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Date: 2014-04-22 02:29 pm (UTC)I am definitely sleep deprived, yeah. I like nights in some ways - less people means more time for me to think and keep my head clear (it also means I don't have to listen to the same radio station all day, I can shut the damn thing off) - but it also means my biorhythm gets screwed up, I don't eat correctly and I oversleep. Going through this has taught me I probably don't get ENOUGH sleep on day shift, though...and I need to be more mindful of that. Especially when I begin weight lifting again.
So many links, and very little time. I'll try and list these all down at some point.
Stopping rumination when it begins is making me feel a -lot- better. I'm not sure why I ever bothered following through with it so often, looking back on it. I'm in control of my head...and it makes little rational sense to keeping beating myself up over things I can't change, particularly the past.
Thanks again.
no subject
Date: 2014-04-24 04:44 pm (UTC)No teacher can tell you what the vibrations meant when you did your practice. Now, if you were to do it while your brain was being scanned, that would tell something - a lot of things, actually - but it still wouldn't tell you what it meant, because that science is still in its infancy, and there isn't enough data yet to draw any solid conclusions. Especially if, as I surmise, you're neurologically atypical.
'Astral travel' came easy to me - I was 16 when I read The Art And Science Of Astral Projection, went to bed, and woosh, I was out of my body and flying all over the place! I did it a lot, over the next four or five years; it kept getting easier and more 'real'. It wasn't until after college, in the course of my own Initiatory training, that I 'put it in the fire': devised a series of experiments to try to see if I was actually traveling, or just experiencing a very convincing illusion of it.
At the time, I lived in an apartment near Ohio State U., and there were always cars parked all along the street outside. So, my first experiment was to try and bring back a license plate number from the car parked at the corner (which I could not see from my window.) I could bring back a number, all right, but it was never correct - not once, in over 60 trials. Other experiments followed; similar results.
My conclusion? 'Astral travel' is a trance effect. What I'd like to know about it - that only a brain-scanner could tell me - is whether 'astral travel' and 'lucid dreaming' are the same brain-program. I think they are. I've had both lucid dreams and incredibly-realistic flying dreams since childhood; I think 'astral travel' is just activating those programs while one is awake but in trance.
"Any sufficiently advanced Magick is indistinguishable from Science." This means we take Occam's Razor as our athame, put both the ancient superstitions and the New Age 'explanations' into the fire, and keep an open mind, but not so open that our brains fall out. The techniques of Magick work as advertised, but all the reasons we've been given for why they work (not to mention how) are, frankly, a load of hooey.
Unfortunately, the only words we have to talk about these things are the language of Mystic Woo - the Western Esoteric Tradition, formed in large part by the rampant ego-bullshit of Helena Blavatsky, Samuel MacGregor Mathers, Aleister Crowley and Gerald Gardner. Not that I think they were insincere - Crowley, at least, was dead-serious in his mad efforts to learn the All of Everything, and pretty-much gave his life in the attempt. Gardner succeeded in liberating Western religion from the Judeo-Christian hegemony. All very valuable, but there's no getting around the fact that they were taking some extremely dubious premises as axiomatic, nor the fact that they were sometimes more concerned with their images and positions than with the truth.
I am glad to hear you've done the chakras in visualization; that's a very useful exercise. What results did you get, and what did you think about them?
I've always liked the night too; so much easier to focus without all the daytime distractions. Even without a night-shift job, it's easy to fall into poor sleep-habits - especially if one is prone to reading in bed till the book falls from one's hand. The crucial elements of health are sleep, hydration, oxygenation, nutrition, hygeine, sunlight, exercise, touch and play - I surmise you've been running short on several of those for a long time. 'Mens sana in corpore sano', right?
*hugs hugs* Keep feeling better!
no subject
Date: 2014-04-25 03:59 pm (UTC)The vibrations were also likely a trance effect, but they were so profound and so deep that I have a hard time thinking they were merely an illusion. They were real, but on what level, be it spiritual or psychological or neurological, I can't say. These usually happened when I was doing chakra work and then attempting to exit my body. It may be in fact that I did exit my body, I just couldn't see. Because what is vision when you're operating a vehicle that doesn't have eyes? At this moment, writing this, I'm considering the possibility that the vibrations might actually be one of the senses the spiritual vehicle actually has. This makes sense, if we are to believe that different levels of existence operate on different frequencies...you being a musician, I'm sure you understand that frequencies are different rates of vibration or oscillation. Maybe it is that the underlying spiritual fabric is in fact vibration all-together. That'd fit nicely with string theory, I guess. And most esoteric belief systems, which describe the physical plane as merely a manifestation of the spiritual - as above, so below. Sorry, rambling.
It's been a long time since I messed with my Chakras, so I'm not sure I could give you a good idea of what effects I experienced. That was a period in my life before I really started dating and working. I've meant to get back into it, time and time again - meditation, and the whole nine yards. But it always seems that the fire for it within me fades eventually, and I fall back into my mundane routine. That needs to change, though.
I've been deprived of any number of those elements for years. Touch and play probably the most of any of them - sleep deprivation came from my job, basically from day one. Operations was worse, working all three shifts, six days on one, two days off, move down to the next. Shutdowns are bad as well, but they only happen once every three or four years. It's good physical training, though - I've lost very little weight, but my abs are starting to show. A lot of muscle was conscripted, even without lifting, in the past couple months.
The touch deprivation thing sticks with me, though. My latest ex was kind of notoriously non-touchy. It made me feel like she didn't love me at all - and my other girlfriends were quite affectionate in contrast. Since I can't really count the latest, Meghan, I haven't really been touched very affectionately in about five or six years. Women don't give me the time of day...blah blah blah. I know this routine.
Thanks -hug-
no subject
Date: 2014-04-26 04:01 pm (UTC)After you read 'How To Think About Weird Things', we'll have more basis for talking about 'energy' and 'vibrations', and what means we have (or don't have) for determining their source and nature.
"The vibrations were also likely a trance effect, but they were so profound and so deep that I have a hard time thinking they were merely an illusion."
The experience itself was not an illusion; you felt what you felt. The illusion is the perception that the experience had a non-physical, supernatural cause: some sort of mystic energy that exists in the objective, material world and is capable of affecting people and things, but is not detectable by any means known to Science - is, in fact, only detectable by some hypothetical mystic 'sense' that can't be demonstrated to exist either.
Between that explanation, and the explanation that these phenomena and experiences all fall under the heading of 'odd stuff one can do with one's brain', what does Occam's Razor say?
One of the Big Woo Mysteries of Initiation is that one can tell non-Initiates everything about it without revealing any 'secrets', because it's very much a "you'd have to have been there" sort of thing. I can tell you, for instance, that you can use any system of symbology and metaphor to hack your own brain for either good or ill, regardless of what societal 'label' is on the system. You can make yourself sick, crazy and miserable, or you can make yourself healthy, resilient and happy, depending how you use them. But until one's put the notion that any particular symbol-system is intrinsically 'true' into the fire, one can only either believe or not-believe what other people say about the matter.
Ack, string theory! There is this to know, young Jedi: anybody who talks about 'quantum woo' or drags string theory into the discussion, but who cannot do the math, is talking out their arse. The whole thing is rubbish, right up there with the Mayan Calendar scare, and has absolutely no place in the serious study of Magick.
'As above, so below' is from the Emerald Tablet of Hermes Trismegistus. Centuries of earnest interpretation by alchemical, religious and magickal groups and individuals have failed to either make sense of it, or to find any practical use for it. In fact there isn't any evidence that "as above, so below' is a valid model; the Theory of Special Relativity appears to refute it pretty soundly. Just because a piece of writing has endured since the Dark Ages doesn't mean it's either true or wise; people back then were no smarter than people now, and a very great deal less well-informed.
(Comment too long again; continued in the next..)
no subject
Date: 2014-04-26 04:02 pm (UTC)I suggest that you take as axiomatic the premise that there is no supernatural - that everything that happens, on any level, is a 100% natural occurrence, inseparable from all the rest of the natural Universe of cause-and-effect even if you're not able to perceive the connection. This includes the 'weird functions' of your own brain - which are not only natural, but a lot more 'normal' than you probably think, in terms of the incidence of people experiencing them. The wetware in your skull has capabilities one can scarcely imagine, and the traditional practices of Magick are ways to access some of them, but it's all too easy to get sucked in by the verisimilitude of the brain's illusion-generating functions if one isn't careful. Even if one is careful, actually, because those biases can never be wholly turned off, but we do the best we can. One can't catch the truth while holding on to falsehood - as Socrates said, "Doubt. Doubt all. Doubt even if thou doubtest."
Touch deprivation drags a person down emotionally. I suggest you find a good massage therapist, and go get a massage every week or two - your insurance will probably even pay for it, if you tell your doctor your back is hurting and get a referral, but it's not that expensive anyway. Body-work is incredibly helpful for depression and anxiety - if you're self-conscious about your appearance, go to a massage therapist you don't find attractive, but I assure you, whoever you go to will have seen a whole lot worse. Healers don't look at bodies in terms of relative attractiveness anyway, but in terms of what's broken and how to fix it. So go let some kind and skillful person spend a few hours a month unclenching your chronic muscle tension and reminding your skin that you're part of the human race; it will be worth the price.
*hugs hugs* Have a good day and/or night, dearheart; I'll be back when I can be - got to get me Elven-butt in gear for another busy day in
ChaosParadise!no subject
Date: 2014-04-26 04:28 pm (UTC)Also, I agree with you in general when it comes to "nothing being supernatural." I do believe in the spiritual though, a divine entity of some sort, and possibly a soul. Mysticism and Magick being a function of the brain seems completely reasonable, and what you say definitely rings true within me - but it's also concerning because I wonder whether I really have the capacity to know right from wrong when it comes to symbology, magick, and my own good. I practiced the stuff when I was quite young...there's no telling what I've done to myself, really - or others, if that's possible.