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I'm so sorry for disappointing you. I'm sorry that your other creations have such a hard time with me. I'm sorry I've wasted my time on this planet, sorry I've made, most likely, terrible choices - although I always did what was right and within my nature, just as I was made. I've followed my heart in almost all cases, and tried to deal with my fears appropriately. I've done what I can. I am sorry if that wasn't enough. But I'm reaching a point now where, I can no longer really stand the kind of experiences I'm having. The best I can do is lose myself in art or entertainment, because I can barely stand to be alone with myself in a room, let alone at work with other people, or go out and about.
So many people screaming at me to leave here, but then there are others who would say it doesn't really matter, or that I'm sacrificing something most people can only dream of by leaving (my job, which pays better than you know, 80% of the population will ever manage.) Wanting to continue my education, but those who further amplify my own fears as far as the cost and value of it is concerned. Knowing that I'm getting older, and I'm running out of time to really get the full experience out of leaving here, or returning to college (if it is not already too late.) Wondering if, I even can leave, because I have so many internal issues, fears, anxieties that I can't handle anymore, and can barely handle in my day-to-day life anyway. Knowing that I'm wasting my potential here, but not really seeing many options to reach for it.
It is strange for me to say this, but Meghan breaking up with me really led to all of this. It is not her fault, but for whatever reason, it resulted in some unexpected damage and baggage. Prior to meeting her I was really getting to a very good place in my life...I was finding peace in my self...I was becoming a very continually positive person...and I think her venom and the emotions of the relationships...ruined all of that. Or maybe I would've broke down anyway, eventually. I guess, I can't really say. Hindsight is always 20/20.
I have no peace...and I keep feeling myself being pulled further and further towards an extreme...which is going to eventually result in me quitting this job anyway, because I simply need the time for myself, or i'm going to break into pieces and it will not be pretty...that may happen anyway. I only have two weeks of vacation...and I may very likely be burning them shortly, just to see if it's enough time for me to sort my feelings and my mind out. I might put the requests in this week for two weeks off starting next week. I know a lot of people there will think it's silly/not approve, but I'm afraid it's the only thing I can do right now. I have to get away from there long enough to sort my head out. If I don't, I'm going to do something that I may regret later...without time to ponder that something more.
The past few months, since Meghan left, have been insane. I've been this way before, but this is different. Before her, after those breakups, I focused completely on the relationships. I focused on what I did wrong, I tried to find peace in myself over what had happened, tried to accept things, kept hoping for the person to come back, wrote numerous essays on my love/hate of the person. But that hasn't happened here. All I feel is dissatisfaction, disgust, fear, torpor...lethargy. I feel like I'm breaking in two. It's like while I'm in a relationship, everything in my life that's wrong is ignored, and it builds up - and builds up - and when the relationship ends, all of that energy is released at once, wracking me with years or more of pent up toxic emotions/thoughts/fears whatever.
This time around, I'm not even thinking about being in a relationship again...especially after the way I've been treated, time and time again, in relationships and out of them...and most recently by more than one woman in my life who, at first, showed herself as having interest in me. They might not have had an obligation to continue, but I think they had an obligation not to be completely fucking ignorant about it. I'm fucking disgusted by the choices many women make in partners, and further disgusted by the treatment I receive. Have I become a misogynist? Maybe I have. I'm about done believing there is love in this world for me. Fucking idiots, my generation, is all I have to say. And if I can't have it, there's no reason for me to ever feel like women have something to offer me ever again, or for me to think that they could ever LOVE or RESPECT me the way I /need/ and the way I do for THEM. I've listened to so many women with their relationship problems over the years, and all I can think is this: half of them are simply using the person temporarily (maybe permanently) to fill up a void or a weakness in themselves, even if they know they are no good for that person - a quarter or so are in it for the status, the money, the lifestyle - and the other quarter are in it because they don't believe they can ever feel the same way about anyone else, even if they knew it's an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Whatever.
So I can skip around topics all night long I suppose, but I will send myself to bed and try to get four hours of sleep for the sake of my idiotic workday tomorrow.
God, if you give a fuck, give me a fucking sign that you do.
So many people screaming at me to leave here, but then there are others who would say it doesn't really matter, or that I'm sacrificing something most people can only dream of by leaving (my job, which pays better than you know, 80% of the population will ever manage.) Wanting to continue my education, but those who further amplify my own fears as far as the cost and value of it is concerned. Knowing that I'm getting older, and I'm running out of time to really get the full experience out of leaving here, or returning to college (if it is not already too late.) Wondering if, I even can leave, because I have so many internal issues, fears, anxieties that I can't handle anymore, and can barely handle in my day-to-day life anyway. Knowing that I'm wasting my potential here, but not really seeing many options to reach for it.
It is strange for me to say this, but Meghan breaking up with me really led to all of this. It is not her fault, but for whatever reason, it resulted in some unexpected damage and baggage. Prior to meeting her I was really getting to a very good place in my life...I was finding peace in my self...I was becoming a very continually positive person...and I think her venom and the emotions of the relationships...ruined all of that. Or maybe I would've broke down anyway, eventually. I guess, I can't really say. Hindsight is always 20/20.
I have no peace...and I keep feeling myself being pulled further and further towards an extreme...which is going to eventually result in me quitting this job anyway, because I simply need the time for myself, or i'm going to break into pieces and it will not be pretty...that may happen anyway. I only have two weeks of vacation...and I may very likely be burning them shortly, just to see if it's enough time for me to sort my feelings and my mind out. I might put the requests in this week for two weeks off starting next week. I know a lot of people there will think it's silly/not approve, but I'm afraid it's the only thing I can do right now. I have to get away from there long enough to sort my head out. If I don't, I'm going to do something that I may regret later...without time to ponder that something more.
The past few months, since Meghan left, have been insane. I've been this way before, but this is different. Before her, after those breakups, I focused completely on the relationships. I focused on what I did wrong, I tried to find peace in myself over what had happened, tried to accept things, kept hoping for the person to come back, wrote numerous essays on my love/hate of the person. But that hasn't happened here. All I feel is dissatisfaction, disgust, fear, torpor...lethargy. I feel like I'm breaking in two. It's like while I'm in a relationship, everything in my life that's wrong is ignored, and it builds up - and builds up - and when the relationship ends, all of that energy is released at once, wracking me with years or more of pent up toxic emotions/thoughts/fears whatever.
This time around, I'm not even thinking about being in a relationship again...especially after the way I've been treated, time and time again, in relationships and out of them...and most recently by more than one woman in my life who, at first, showed herself as having interest in me. They might not have had an obligation to continue, but I think they had an obligation not to be completely fucking ignorant about it. I'm fucking disgusted by the choices many women make in partners, and further disgusted by the treatment I receive. Have I become a misogynist? Maybe I have. I'm about done believing there is love in this world for me. Fucking idiots, my generation, is all I have to say. And if I can't have it, there's no reason for me to ever feel like women have something to offer me ever again, or for me to think that they could ever LOVE or RESPECT me the way I /need/ and the way I do for THEM. I've listened to so many women with their relationship problems over the years, and all I can think is this: half of them are simply using the person temporarily (maybe permanently) to fill up a void or a weakness in themselves, even if they know they are no good for that person - a quarter or so are in it for the status, the money, the lifestyle - and the other quarter are in it because they don't believe they can ever feel the same way about anyone else, even if they knew it's an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Whatever.
So I can skip around topics all night long I suppose, but I will send myself to bed and try to get four hours of sleep for the sake of my idiotic workday tomorrow.
God, if you give a fuck, give me a fucking sign that you do.
