![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Feb. 8th, 2013 12:31 amI walked away from facebook forever a couple weeks ago. I don't miss it. I had at most a couple hundred "friends" of which, I might've talked to one or three on superbly rare occasions. No real interaction of substance ever took place, and mostly, I felt crushed by how controlled the environment was - I was never able to see the real lives of these people, only what they saw fit to put up for the world to see. It dragged me down in ways that I can't handle anymore. Thinking back to the pre-social media era, this is what I know - when you stopped talking or spending time with people, you stop talking or spending time with them. You didn't have constant reminders of their presence or existence - which allows one the freedom to move on, develop one's life and self in different ways, and most importantly, /forget/ about the reasons why. Hundreds of people I knew, who no longer talked to me - how did that make me feel, as a person? It made me feel terrible. I don't even have enough time in a day or week to have a casual conversation with a small percentage of them, let alone all of them. This is the nature of life. It doesn't matter what walk or path you take, there will be people left behind and left out. Arguably those who have incredible time constraints and involving occupations are the most disconnected people of all. Working 60-80 hours a week, no matter what it is - be it research, the medical field, or simply labor overtime, leaves you with ZERO time for other people or things in your life beyond bare necessities. It is amazing some of these people manage to marry and bear children - although their involvement in the raising process must be limited to the extreme.
Today I feel about the same. I'm still very deep in this darkness and there's no real telling if it will ever let up. People want me to be confident, self-assured, and active. I'm none of these things, and if I was, it was only out of ignorance. I was ripped into by an acquaintance I met through a depression forum of all things - we talked on skype quite a bit for a couple weeks, and it seems the same pattern holds true - all women will eventually attempt to destroy a man who shows any sign of weakness or discontent in themselves, even if they are honest and true. It is no wonder, then, that the relationships of this world are falling apart at the seams, that marriage is a dying institution and that instant gratification has become majority rule. If people only desire liars - those whom are dishonest with themselves, overly confident and lacking in self-reflection - then how can they expect any degree of realness out of the relationship? They can't - but it's what people want, because they hide their own insecurities and faults. They don't want someone around who is honest - they want someone around who will distract them from their own demons, even at the expense of honesty and integrity.
For the dating scene, it is better to simply lie. Never admit your insecurities, never admit your faults, never admit your anxieties. Act like the world is a wonderful, beautiful place, even if it isn't. Act like love is real, even when it's not. Act like it's possible for something to last forever, even when it can't. Act like you're the center of attention, even when everyone is cursing you under their breath.
How much deeper does the rabbit hole go - I'm still begging God to take me as far down as He can. If you're going to put me here, take me the whole way. Don't make it half-assed.
Today I feel about the same. I'm still very deep in this darkness and there's no real telling if it will ever let up. People want me to be confident, self-assured, and active. I'm none of these things, and if I was, it was only out of ignorance. I was ripped into by an acquaintance I met through a depression forum of all things - we talked on skype quite a bit for a couple weeks, and it seems the same pattern holds true - all women will eventually attempt to destroy a man who shows any sign of weakness or discontent in themselves, even if they are honest and true. It is no wonder, then, that the relationships of this world are falling apart at the seams, that marriage is a dying institution and that instant gratification has become majority rule. If people only desire liars - those whom are dishonest with themselves, overly confident and lacking in self-reflection - then how can they expect any degree of realness out of the relationship? They can't - but it's what people want, because they hide their own insecurities and faults. They don't want someone around who is honest - they want someone around who will distract them from their own demons, even at the expense of honesty and integrity.
For the dating scene, it is better to simply lie. Never admit your insecurities, never admit your faults, never admit your anxieties. Act like the world is a wonderful, beautiful place, even if it isn't. Act like love is real, even when it's not. Act like it's possible for something to last forever, even when it can't. Act like you're the center of attention, even when everyone is cursing you under their breath.
How much deeper does the rabbit hole go - I'm still begging God to take me as far down as He can. If you're going to put me here, take me the whole way. Don't make it half-assed.
