May. 3rd, 2011

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Avoidant Personality Disorder.

That's the one. I figured it out. And for the most part, reading about it and recognizing all of the various nuances of it, has made one hell of a difference. I actually understand something about myself...and why the universe seems to have bent itself a certain way towards me (or should I say, people - the universe is just fine.)

One aspect in particular. I was rejecting people. I was rejecting them constantly. Rejection comes in many forms, one of which is IGNORING people, the other is just shrugging off things they say...seeming disinterested...etc. The problem is that conversations BEGIN with small talk. That's because they fucking have to, basically...you can't avoid it. It's how we break down both our own barriers and that of the other. You can't get someone to open up to you until you talk for awhile, get comfortable, relax. You allow that to happen by talking about things everybody has in common. That's just the way it is.

I am so fucking happy to have finally recognized this. And the truth is the only way I can beat the ingrained patterns of avoidant personality is by constantly reminding myself of what I -have- to do. I have to take risks because if i only let other people around me take social risks, eventually they will be exhausted, or annoyed, or begin to actually reject me (the fear of rejection results in rejection, self fulfilling prophecy.) I have to show weakness, I have to be open with other people. It's the only way they get to know ME. If I don't let them get to know ME, then they won't ever open up either - after all, I don't really open up to people until I know THEM. Treat others as you wish to be treated, right? I think it's true.

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sathor

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