![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Cruel, Harsh, Insufferable
May. 1st, 2011 09:38 pmThat is the world outside of work through my eyes. I don't know why, but work is the only place I am truly happy. I go to bars, I get negative vibes, I lose all of my energy, I can't even attempt to interact with new people. I am an insociable freak. I have literally changed my external appearance intentionally to become the most humble, forgettable individual possible.
I am not depressed. I am literally suicidal. I know better than to ever commit such a thing...the gift of my life I can never repay. Even though it is completely fucked in almost every way imaginable, it is still better than the alternative which I can never know as long as I am alive.
In the future, I am going to force myself to make conversation. I don't care if I'm boring. I don't care if I'm ugly. I don't care if I'm unpopular. None of it matters anymore. The only way I'm going to find my people here, if they are here, is by interrogating every interesting person I lay eyes upon.
I really am a fucked up person. I probably have all manner of psychological problems. I have been rejected, beaten down, ostracized. I have never recovered from the years of that punishment. But I have to try and make this life better, or it's not going to last much longer. If I don't do myself in, I'm sure I'll end up with some sort of terminal illness as a result of my negativity. It has to end, one way or another.
I am not depressed. I am literally suicidal. I know better than to ever commit such a thing...the gift of my life I can never repay. Even though it is completely fucked in almost every way imaginable, it is still better than the alternative which I can never know as long as I am alive.
In the future, I am going to force myself to make conversation. I don't care if I'm boring. I don't care if I'm ugly. I don't care if I'm unpopular. None of it matters anymore. The only way I'm going to find my people here, if they are here, is by interrogating every interesting person I lay eyes upon.
I really am a fucked up person. I probably have all manner of psychological problems. I have been rejected, beaten down, ostracized. I have never recovered from the years of that punishment. But I have to try and make this life better, or it's not going to last much longer. If I don't do myself in, I'm sure I'll end up with some sort of terminal illness as a result of my negativity. It has to end, one way or another.
