Jan. 27th, 2011

sathor: (Default)
In my heart, there is darkness left, and I am not sure when it will go away...or if it can ever be really conquered completely. Things have been looking better and better lately. I'm getting better at piano. I should have some real chances to pursue formal training once I'm back in college. I'm collaborating more with other musicians. I'm excited about the prospect of having my B.A. finally...and the chance to go further if I want...or start a career. Shouldn't have to sweat over the B.A., anyway...half of the work I've already accomplished, and I doubt I've rusted much with how much reading and self-teaching I do...all of the engaging activities i perform, like music...and all of the writing i do in this journal and privately.

But there is still a really big problem. There really is. Honestly - okay, maybe I over think it. When I was in Alaska, I did take a leap of faith and spend a month with a great girl. I had to talk to her first. Took every bit of my guts to do it, and I basically had to know from outside sources that she was single before I ever spoke a word. But that's just it.

I can't say I have a hard time making new friends. Generally, I think /guys/ get good vibes from me, and find me interesting enough, to remember me. But that's /guys/. What about girls?

If I forget all about Susan, the truth is I haven't had any contact with a girl who wasn't dating a close friend, or who was an ex who had no real possibility of chemistry. I haven't had any extensive contact...or contact that happens more than once. I simply feel like I can't manage it. This area, maybe that has something to do with it. I don't go out enough - because there's nowhere to go but bars - and I'm not independent, so it's not like I ever made frequent trips to go shopping...where I might actually run into people serendipitously. But controlling for those factors, I feel like I never developed the skills to even /make friends/ with women. Except via the internet...I am such a nerd.

It is true, that in many cases, relationships start by having mutual friends. And most of the guys I know, while some of them know a good number of women, don't really share :P

And so I have to wonder, do I have a flaw? Is this my flaw? My inability to really speak to women, and to be interesting...or to let them know I'm interested? Often times I actually try to put off the opposite vibe...at all times. I find myself doing it unconsciously anymore...and I think it's a remnant of being in long-term monogamous relationships.

I do feel like there's some imbalance. I feel like even a woman of moderate beauty has an easier time finding potential suitors, than a suitor does potentials. My level of education makes a difference in this place...when people think you're a genius, and your interests are incredibly varied and deep, I think you put off women who grew up in rural america...they want a simple guy who likes the same simple things. So do plenty of urban women, I'm sure...but there's less opportunities to meet those who are interested in someone like me.

Will college really make a difference? I guess I'll find out. But to be honest, sometimes I wonder if the darkness and despair when it comes to love...in my heart...is a little too cancerous for me to recover.

I will add that it really hurts knowing my ex would do something like talk to me for a day, even go as far as to setup some time for us to spend together, and then completely cut contact...and not respond whatsoever. I know I did some hurtful stuff in the past. She did too. But is it really necessary to be vicious like that? Do I really deserve that kind of treatment? And did she premeditate it, because if so, that makes it all the more hurtful.
sathor: (Default)
I have to be a masochist. I really, probably, should never allow myself to speak with exes ever. It's sorta funny, how that whole business works out. I think I should be over it, you know...I really should be. I really shouldn't care, it really shouldn't make my heart hurt. But it does.

It makes me think about how screwed up I -must- be in my head to still have strong feelings for these girls. Based on what I went through, how much fucking turmoil it caused in my life, mentally and emotionally. I just don't get it. Why do I even talk to them? It's not like they would ever fill the fucking void again, right?

Emo post, sure, I know. But I really wish I understood myself better, sometimes.

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