Fight Club

Finished the book today, didn't actually take all that long.

I have to admit the movie does stick with the original story incredibly well. There's some differences, definitely, but the vast majority of them are minor. Such as Marla actually having cancer.

The biggest one is the ending, though - Tyler and our Narrator actually die. And I don't think you ever find out the narrator's real name. In the movie, the narrator still shoots himself in the mouth, but it results only in the death of Tyler...and we get a kind of closure with him and Marla watching the destruction of the building across the street. Most beautiful ending in all of Cinema, in my opinion. Depressing to see the original author didn't have that in mind. Maybe what's more depressing is the fact that I haven't seen any really "good" endings, so to speak, in anything I've read or seen for awhile. Ones that really leave a good feeling...like maybe there's hope after all, for love or for improvement in our world, either metaphorically or literally.

In my personal and professional life, I am losing hope with regards to most things. While I think I've had a good run, and I think if I stuck with music perhaps eventually...after a lot of investment financially and time-wise, there might be a chance to make a return...but really, I am seeing my professional life as rather hopeless. Personal life is nonexistent, for the most part. I can't see myself in a relationship anymore. I can barely tolerate myself - when I do start working it will be even harder to tolerate most things, as I'll be in a position financially and physically that will really, just absolutely suck for the most part. I don't like the idea of living on a pittance for hard work. But it seems that is the way of things, and it is unavoidable. I am so torn with regards to returning to college, that I'm not sure I'll ever have a concrete decision with regards to it. It's this huge system of indoctrination, I am aware of it. I am aware of how the liberal arts is, generally, a pyramid scheme. And I am so painfully aware of the hoop-jumping involved in basically all professional-level jobs, that I have no fucking interest anymore. It seems the whole world is bent on suppressing all creative ability, starting from kindergarten to the end of college. Write an essay, but it's going to be on this selection of topics. Be creative, but in this sliver of a spectrum. Perform the following mathematical functions.

I thought real hard, while I was reading fight club, during the scene while the mechanic drives the car, to obtain four human sacrifices. When the narrator says, "I wish I'd quit my job." in response to the question, "If you were to die right now, what would you want to have done that you didn't?" Well, what the fuck did I want to do in my life? I remember, from the start, I was a sketch artist - I had this ridiculous creative ability. That was starting around age 4 or 5. I stopped sketching when I started dating. I started music around the same time. Maybe it had something to do with the lack of emotional involvement with visible art. Maybe it had to deal with the time constraints a relationship brings to the table. I don't know.

Somewhere during middle school, I wanted to be a computer programmer. This continued for a long time, too. I studied Basic and C, C++. And at some point, I started thinking that living in a cubicle the rest of my fucking life, didn't seem like all that great of an idea. Writing lines of code. Somewhere along the line, I stumbled across projections like how the technological sector, while continue to grow, would have so much competition (too many people trained to do it) that it would be nearly impossible to get into it.

And then there was the whole Professor dream, of course, that fell to pieces pretty quickly. I don't really think it's all that valuable to be a professor of liberal arts. I think it's better when you're studying that stuff on your own, and drawing your own conclusions. And not needing to pander to some guy or girl's personal spin on particular works to earn good marks.

But I remember, very well. That in my mind, I always wanted to be an artist. That is it - that's all there ever was in my mind. Computer programming itself might've been a representation of that...but I'm sorry, there's not a whole lot of creativity going into programming for corporate interest, unless it's a gaming corporation. There's something dead about the idea, in my mind, something black, dark, evil about using creativity for corporate benefit. Maybe I've just been brainwashed by certain libertarian socialists, or anarchists...I don't know.

But the truth is, yeah, I'm just an artist and I think it's all I can ever be.

And I think I have to accept that my life, financially, is going to be very hard because of that. There's really no way around it. Becoming a professional and having 60+hrs/week sucked out of my life for a good paycheck isn't worth it when I'd rather be doing art, or reading books of my choice, or writing. This is the fundamental problem. That's why college has become so unappealing as well - because there's a lot of lost time there - and I don't care if you're one of those people who feels college is always more beneficial than anything else, because I don't think you are right. I think the fact is that college, for someone like me, could be very negative. Incredibly so. Not only will I be strained financially and time wise, because I'll have to work simultaneously, but I will be strained to get good marks, and strained to try and suck every moment out of it that I can, trying to make contacts that will be worthwhile, and trying to keep my happiness level balanced - which is another issue.

Happiness. It's always been hard for me to keep it stable. Almost impossible. I don't believe in using chemical alterations to my brain chemistry to fix it, because obviously there's underlying problems in my life that are not being solved, and I'd rather not just cover them up permanently with some psychiatrist-approved bullshit.

I am also conflicted spiritually at the moment. I wonder, often, this idea of fate or destiny...on one hand it is completely ridiculous. There are so many people on this planet, worse off than me - hey, I can work, I can survive easily, for sure. Even with some comforts. Without any real substantial higher education. I don't have to subsistence farm. I don't have to deal with violent regimes overthrowing my government. I don't have to worry about getting murdered in the street or in my home, at least not much.

At some point I was infected with this idea that I have something great to offer - that I have real talent that could take me far - but it's simply not been the case. In fact, my life has been pretty goddamn normal so far. When I worked, it was normal work. When I went to college, it was pretty normal...there wasn't much outstanding stuff that happened. And I have to imagine that this pattern will continue. There's no real reason to believe that it won't. And so maybe I shouldn't concern myself so much with trying to accomplish this or that thing, like getting a real album I'm happy with - maybe I should just continue to express myself, and try to work my life out financially, and get into a place where I am stable and secure, and then -maybe- then I can figure out something else. But I sure as hell can't solve everything at once. And if this is fate, it sure as hell is fucking ridiculous.