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Feb. 1st, 2010
(no subject)
Feb. 1st, 2010 03:07 pmI have spent years listening to very little music outside of what I created. I'm not really sure what happened anymore.
There was a point where things changed. And the only point I can truly find is when Val left me. I used to be so much more active, I used to have a decent circle of friends, and I was always busy, between school and everything else. And music was a huge part of my life.
But something happened that killed my love of anything. I'm beginning to see now that I haven't loved anything in a long time...that I have been absent of the emotion, absent of many emotions, and even the feelings that I call love, aren't the same anymore. There are times where I still seethe with anger, so I know I am not a sociopath, but my other emotions don't feel nearly as intense, or nearly as meaningful as they once did.
I've become like this empty pit, devoid of substance, devoid of love and happiness, consumed in grief and despair, hopelessly lost in a tide of the overwhelming ocean that has become my reality.
And no matter what I do, where I go, what I accomplish, who I meet, the feelings I do feel inside of me, it never ends.
I was stripped of everything that made me beautiful, and there was a time when I was. It was beaten out of me. And I really don't know if it will ever come back. I want it to.
There was a point where things changed. And the only point I can truly find is when Val left me. I used to be so much more active, I used to have a decent circle of friends, and I was always busy, between school and everything else. And music was a huge part of my life.
But something happened that killed my love of anything. I'm beginning to see now that I haven't loved anything in a long time...that I have been absent of the emotion, absent of many emotions, and even the feelings that I call love, aren't the same anymore. There are times where I still seethe with anger, so I know I am not a sociopath, but my other emotions don't feel nearly as intense, or nearly as meaningful as they once did.
I've become like this empty pit, devoid of substance, devoid of love and happiness, consumed in grief and despair, hopelessly lost in a tide of the overwhelming ocean that has become my reality.
And no matter what I do, where I go, what I accomplish, who I meet, the feelings I do feel inside of me, it never ends.
I was stripped of everything that made me beautiful, and there was a time when I was. It was beaten out of me. And I really don't know if it will ever come back. I want it to.
Another dream.
It began with me waking up in the forest. Deep in the forest behind my house. It was getting late, so I started walking towards my home.
I only went a short distance and came to a landmark. Here was a small grotto. Everything was lush and beautiful, it was late spring, I think. The sun was shining up above the canopy and there wasn't anything very dangerous. But I came across a massive female bear and her equally large cub, whom I did sense a good deal of aggression from, but they turned and fled. So I kept walking.
I was moving through the dense brush and undergrowth...lots of fallen trees and things that needed to be avoided. But it was not anything I couldn't handle. Just before the field though signaling the final stretch home, I came across the grizzlies again. And this time the mother lunged towards me threateningly, and I bolted. As I looked behind me, she followed for a moment but quickly became uninterested once more.
As I was making my way through the field, I saw lots of activity at the house. There's a pattern here. I saw lots of activity the prior time I had a dream involving my father, too. Something was going on - but I can't remember what. I remember there was something said about a well needing to be shut off before it could cause any damage. It was -very- strange, I do remember feeling that way. Not much was exchanged between my father and I at all, other than me talking to him about the grizzlies in the forest, whom apparently I had scared in his direction the first time, as he was working on aforementioned well at the time (I had passed it at the final interaction with the bears.) Just a normal average everyday interaction, where nothing meaningful is ever really said between us. Bleh.
This dream was frightening, okay. It was frightening in some instances the entire way through it. Not the one I wrote prior to this, I suppose I'm hiding the best for last. This dream was ridiculous.
I just remember another aspect of it. I'm very lucky because I think the themes are very important to remember.
The beginning of a dream had an internal dialouge, or maybe it was a dialouge to me, coming from a man wielding a runesword, apparently. This runesword allowed for the usage of portals. This man inparticular was good, I think - there was nothing frightening about him. But that section ends ubruptly, and I am cast into one of the worlds.
In this particular world, Val is here too. And apparently, I've been collecting runes, and so has she. But there's an individual who wants them very terribly, and for whatever reason, I am compelled to help him do so. I know he had something he held over her head, not literally, but metaphorically. There was some reason she was so willing to give up the runes. But it wasn't so simple, after all - they had to be collected. Things get fuzzy here. There was a lot of portal jumping and a lot of searching. But eventually, she found all of the runes she could find and gave them to this mysterious man. But it wasn't enough...luckily, i had the rest stashed away, for a rainy day apparently. Not that I didn't earn them.
After this, the sorceror disappears and we're left standing in my living room unharmed...things seem pretty normal. But for some reason there's a degree of love here, and something happens. There's a hug and a kiss, and from there it goes to where one would expect. I suppose it has something to do with the fact we accomplished something together, and that we helped eachother to get out of whatever that individual was holding over -our- heads. We're interrupted midway, however. And after the interruption has vacated the premisis, -she- finds her car keys and decides to leave. The way she words it, the way she just walks away after we shared that short moment in time together, I knew she didn't mean any of it. And suddenly I feel very dark. And suddenly I realize how hideous of a person she is for doing what she just did. And suddenly, I feel like I have a right to punish her. And I say something, very akin to, "You are lying to try and make yourself and me both feel good about what you are doing."
This is where the dream frightens me. It's me in the dream acting of course, it's me making those decisions, but it felt absolutely -not- like me at the same time. As she left my door I grabbed the back of her shirt, by her neck, and pulled then pushed - she fell to her knees but kept going, and I didn't chase. As she got to the car, a great spell was welling up in me. But the ramifications of this are just so absolutely horrifying. This may not be the scariest of dreams I have had, but it certainly has scared me senseless and probably with good reason.
"I am the greatest sorceror that has ever lived and you are going to regret this every day of your life."
"God - CAST HER DOWN."
And there was a great snap of thunder, and there was a bright flash of light that lasted not nearly as long, and suddenly the world had changed. She had just turned the key in her ignition prior, and at this moment the door of her car literally fell off as if struck by a powerful unseen hand.
Storm clouds flashed into existence above, dropping a torrential rain. Winds picked up from the east immediately, so harsh they could knock a man over. It looked like a hurricane, and the terror that accompanied it I can not be sure was God granted or merely just my perception of the scene, so absolutely mindblowing it was.
My attention had been taken utterly off of Val, and I found myself drawn inside myself, as if I were in my final moments and I had just been judged. I felt like I was staring into the face of a vengeful, angry God beset by a fool like me. There was another flash and boom, the percussive force strong enough to knock you over itself.
And standing before me was a beautiful young woman, robed in silver and white, with long white hair. The rain seemed to part around her, and she was not afraid at all. I could not see her face, and she did not speak...but I knew she was there to see me.
The end.
The whole of this dream, really. It breaks down to the final moments. There was one time I touched Val in a coveting or -want to keep you here- manner, and that was in the back of Rick's car years ago. We had broken up weeks prior, but Rick apparently convinced her to come hang out with us and drive around, drink, etc. We were all underage for the record.
When he drove her home, she was sitting next to me in the back of the car. And I had taken the conversation where it needed to go...I really wanted answers, I really wanted an explanation for everything, I really wanted to understand what happened, what I did wrong. But she never could give me any answers, and my prying only ever made things worse. She moved to get out of the car and I grabbed her left wrist with my right hand. It wasn't abuse, it was me making a fucking gesture that probably, in that instant, meant more than any number of fucking words could have ever expressed. But ultimately, she used that against me too. I "hurt" her, left a bruise. No, I really doubt I did.
But this dream in particular, makes me feel a great deal of guilt. I never condemned another person, never asked God to condemn another person. But I may have asked for him, or her, or they to make them suffer like myself. To make -them- understand -what- they did to me - and in one other case...what they've done to others as well as myself.
This dream told me something. In my interpretation, I have been condemned for what I've done, spiritually or otherwise. The woman in white represented - and the key is here that I was not frightened of her, I was frightened of what was happening before she appeared - my salvation.
I might have to do some digging in qabalistic or other religious references to come up with a solid understanding of this. But I know this was a very archetypal dream, and I know it had very strong significance.
At the end of the dream, when I woke up, the feeling of condemnation still lingered, the feeling of utter horror and even being terrified of my own self was still there.
I really hope the woman, goddess, whatever she was in white really does come to my aid.
It began with me waking up in the forest. Deep in the forest behind my house. It was getting late, so I started walking towards my home.
I only went a short distance and came to a landmark. Here was a small grotto. Everything was lush and beautiful, it was late spring, I think. The sun was shining up above the canopy and there wasn't anything very dangerous. But I came across a massive female bear and her equally large cub, whom I did sense a good deal of aggression from, but they turned and fled. So I kept walking.
I was moving through the dense brush and undergrowth...lots of fallen trees and things that needed to be avoided. But it was not anything I couldn't handle. Just before the field though signaling the final stretch home, I came across the grizzlies again. And this time the mother lunged towards me threateningly, and I bolted. As I looked behind me, she followed for a moment but quickly became uninterested once more.
As I was making my way through the field, I saw lots of activity at the house. There's a pattern here. I saw lots of activity the prior time I had a dream involving my father, too. Something was going on - but I can't remember what. I remember there was something said about a well needing to be shut off before it could cause any damage. It was -very- strange, I do remember feeling that way. Not much was exchanged between my father and I at all, other than me talking to him about the grizzlies in the forest, whom apparently I had scared in his direction the first time, as he was working on aforementioned well at the time (I had passed it at the final interaction with the bears.) Just a normal average everyday interaction, where nothing meaningful is ever really said between us. Bleh.
This dream was frightening, okay. It was frightening in some instances the entire way through it. Not the one I wrote prior to this, I suppose I'm hiding the best for last. This dream was ridiculous.
I just remember another aspect of it. I'm very lucky because I think the themes are very important to remember.
The beginning of a dream had an internal dialouge, or maybe it was a dialouge to me, coming from a man wielding a runesword, apparently. This runesword allowed for the usage of portals. This man inparticular was good, I think - there was nothing frightening about him. But that section ends ubruptly, and I am cast into one of the worlds.
In this particular world, Val is here too. And apparently, I've been collecting runes, and so has she. But there's an individual who wants them very terribly, and for whatever reason, I am compelled to help him do so. I know he had something he held over her head, not literally, but metaphorically. There was some reason she was so willing to give up the runes. But it wasn't so simple, after all - they had to be collected. Things get fuzzy here. There was a lot of portal jumping and a lot of searching. But eventually, she found all of the runes she could find and gave them to this mysterious man. But it wasn't enough...luckily, i had the rest stashed away, for a rainy day apparently. Not that I didn't earn them.
After this, the sorceror disappears and we're left standing in my living room unharmed...things seem pretty normal. But for some reason there's a degree of love here, and something happens. There's a hug and a kiss, and from there it goes to where one would expect. I suppose it has something to do with the fact we accomplished something together, and that we helped eachother to get out of whatever that individual was holding over -our- heads. We're interrupted midway, however. And after the interruption has vacated the premisis, -she- finds her car keys and decides to leave. The way she words it, the way she just walks away after we shared that short moment in time together, I knew she didn't mean any of it. And suddenly I feel very dark. And suddenly I realize how hideous of a person she is for doing what she just did. And suddenly, I feel like I have a right to punish her. And I say something, very akin to, "You are lying to try and make yourself and me both feel good about what you are doing."
This is where the dream frightens me. It's me in the dream acting of course, it's me making those decisions, but it felt absolutely -not- like me at the same time. As she left my door I grabbed the back of her shirt, by her neck, and pulled then pushed - she fell to her knees but kept going, and I didn't chase. As she got to the car, a great spell was welling up in me. But the ramifications of this are just so absolutely horrifying. This may not be the scariest of dreams I have had, but it certainly has scared me senseless and probably with good reason.
"I am the greatest sorceror that has ever lived and you are going to regret this every day of your life."
"God - CAST HER DOWN."
And there was a great snap of thunder, and there was a bright flash of light that lasted not nearly as long, and suddenly the world had changed. She had just turned the key in her ignition prior, and at this moment the door of her car literally fell off as if struck by a powerful unseen hand.
Storm clouds flashed into existence above, dropping a torrential rain. Winds picked up from the east immediately, so harsh they could knock a man over. It looked like a hurricane, and the terror that accompanied it I can not be sure was God granted or merely just my perception of the scene, so absolutely mindblowing it was.
My attention had been taken utterly off of Val, and I found myself drawn inside myself, as if I were in my final moments and I had just been judged. I felt like I was staring into the face of a vengeful, angry God beset by a fool like me. There was another flash and boom, the percussive force strong enough to knock you over itself.
And standing before me was a beautiful young woman, robed in silver and white, with long white hair. The rain seemed to part around her, and she was not afraid at all. I could not see her face, and she did not speak...but I knew she was there to see me.
The end.
The whole of this dream, really. It breaks down to the final moments. There was one time I touched Val in a coveting or -want to keep you here- manner, and that was in the back of Rick's car years ago. We had broken up weeks prior, but Rick apparently convinced her to come hang out with us and drive around, drink, etc. We were all underage for the record.
When he drove her home, she was sitting next to me in the back of the car. And I had taken the conversation where it needed to go...I really wanted answers, I really wanted an explanation for everything, I really wanted to understand what happened, what I did wrong. But she never could give me any answers, and my prying only ever made things worse. She moved to get out of the car and I grabbed her left wrist with my right hand. It wasn't abuse, it was me making a fucking gesture that probably, in that instant, meant more than any number of fucking words could have ever expressed. But ultimately, she used that against me too. I "hurt" her, left a bruise. No, I really doubt I did.
But this dream in particular, makes me feel a great deal of guilt. I never condemned another person, never asked God to condemn another person. But I may have asked for him, or her, or they to make them suffer like myself. To make -them- understand -what- they did to me - and in one other case...what they've done to others as well as myself.
This dream told me something. In my interpretation, I have been condemned for what I've done, spiritually or otherwise. The woman in white represented - and the key is here that I was not frightened of her, I was frightened of what was happening before she appeared - my salvation.
I might have to do some digging in qabalistic or other religious references to come up with a solid understanding of this. But I know this was a very archetypal dream, and I know it had very strong significance.
At the end of the dream, when I woke up, the feeling of condemnation still lingered, the feeling of utter horror and even being terrified of my own self was still there.
I really hope the woman, goddess, whatever she was in white really does come to my aid.
(no subject)
Feb. 1st, 2010 08:22 pmComment on this post. I will choose seven interests from your profile and you will explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post this along with your answers in your own journal so that others can play along.
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minxyminou gave me:
Tantra: I studied this a lot when I was younger, back even when I was still a virgin (15 and prior) it was an introduction for me into Hinduism which I had not really touched on yet, and really just a furthering of all of the spiritual study I was doing throughout that period of my life. I was seeking enlightenment, you might say...and I was trying to find all of the pathways that existed. Sex has always been sacred to me since then. I always saw it as something much more spiritual and meaningful than my partners, and probably more so than most of the people I've known in my life. I'm a firm believer that once you have sex with someone you are forever intertwined with them spiritually, and those who don't recognize and honor that will suffer for it in one way or another. It gives a completely different understanding of sex - one that is just as focused on pleasure as it is on extending the act for as long as possible, not because it produces pleasure, but because it increases the meaning, the significance, the connectedness of the act and the spiritual nature of it, and because it allows the two spirits two stand outside of time, together, as one. Unfortunately it has been a very long time since I've felt that feeling. It's a massive hole in my life that I can't seem to fix, and it's utterly terrifying to think that I may never experience it again.
Anarchism: My first introduction to Anarchism was in high school due to my mentor, who suggested that Anarchism would be the optimal way of life for people if it could be achieved. I didn't agree fully until I read Bakunin. The only problem is that society is so morally devoid and pro-ego that it's not possible. I would say that Buddha, Jesus, etc. were very good examples of people professing anarchism as the one true path to utopia, but it is completely contingent on all people being as one, treating eachother as brothers and sisters, and working together for the common goals of the entire race. I am an anarchist at heart, I just can't see how the world as it is today can allow for it. The capitalists would simply become mob bosses, and the cycle of government would restart all over again from authoritarian.
Ethics: This one is simple. I enjoy ethics. I really think Kant's Categorical Imperative is probably one of the best tools ever in the history of the world. It can encapsulate the ethical beliefs of essentially every religion on the face of the planet, even the self-surrendering non-violence of a hardline zen buddhist. But in general, I tend to put a good deal of thought into the ethics of any action I take, and there have been some cases where this has prevented me from moving on with my life, but I think eventually it will all work out.
Zen: Zen and Buddhism in general were big influences in my spiritual paradigm. Living in the moment (the temporal axis, you might say?) is important for healthiness, but I have fallen out of meditation and eventually I hope to step back into it, because without it living in the moment becomes increasingly difficult. My broken heart broke a good portion of everything else, including my buddhist tendencies. Zen ways of perceiving the world, Taoist ways of perceiving the world, are all very close to my heart, and the values inherent in buddhism, ethically and otherwise, are also very close to my heart, and to my intuition are aligned with the true nature of "good" "right" and "enlightenment." It's a big reason why military service is such a hard thing for me to consider...it's a major conflict inside of me, which I imagine is probably an expression of my ego's resistance to the true path.
Yoga: This falls in with the spiritual side as well. I studied and practiced it somewhat before I had professional training in college, which shouldn't come as a surprise...I honestly have studied just about every religion the planet over. Yoga goes hand in hand with Buddhism and Tantra...to me they all work together towards the same goals in very similar ways, even if they deal with different aspects of reality. Yoga is a physical expression of the path, Buddhism/Zen is a mental expression, Tantra is an emotional expression. They are all spiritual expressions and will bring a person closer to alignment with the universe/divinity when practiced with authenticity. When they are not practiced with authenticity, they will have material benefits but the spiritual aspect will be lost. The awareness, the mindfulness must be there.
Soundgarden: I wrote a paper comparing Fell on Black Days to Oedipus Rex in college. They are eerily similar, and I think my early 30s professor at the time seemed struck that I even knew of Soundgarden at my age. She was a cutie. A-Sides was my favorite album, by a far and wide margin. Much teenage angst dealt with through them, although not at all compared to
Nine Inch Nails: I don't honestly remember how I discovered Reznor. I know Matt introduced me to A Perfect Circle, who I loved from day one (and eventually I learned of TooL through a mutual friend) but I really don't believe he introduced me to Reznor. I almost want to say I may have stumbled on it through my various toilings on the internet as a boy, but the fact is I was handed Quake 1 at the age of 11 and Reznor did all of the sound effects and music for that particular game (which I never knew until long after I had stopped playing!) the NIN symbol was even on the ammo boxes for the nailgun. I was introduced to Reznor's musical style and sound creation long before I ever listened to any of his real albums...it's rather amazing for me to think about. I think it was probably fate. NIN is by a far and wide margin my favorite artist of all time. It doesn't matter if his stuff is angsty and dark...I know most people grow out of it but I never will. You have to have the dark to have the light, and it's not as if Reznor didn't have his light side. And I am very happy that he got married :) He deserves it...I hope all of his broken-hearted fans who empathized with him over the years do too. We all deserve it. And I think that's part of what he's really talking about in "We're In This Together" ... that's just an observation from yesterday, in my 22 year old mind. In my 15 year old mind, it was about me and Cassandra, the 19 year old who would've married me had I been older. I was a lucky boy to have gotten so close with a girl that much older than me, as beautiful and intelligent as she was. I was the one who didn't have the guts to go all the way with her when the opportunity was right there on a mattress, in an attic, nine inch nails playing in the background, and a 5th of rum between us.
minxyminou gave me:Tantra: I studied this a lot when I was younger, back even when I was still a virgin (15 and prior) it was an introduction for me into Hinduism which I had not really touched on yet, and really just a furthering of all of the spiritual study I was doing throughout that period of my life. I was seeking enlightenment, you might say...and I was trying to find all of the pathways that existed. Sex has always been sacred to me since then. I always saw it as something much more spiritual and meaningful than my partners, and probably more so than most of the people I've known in my life. I'm a firm believer that once you have sex with someone you are forever intertwined with them spiritually, and those who don't recognize and honor that will suffer for it in one way or another. It gives a completely different understanding of sex - one that is just as focused on pleasure as it is on extending the act for as long as possible, not because it produces pleasure, but because it increases the meaning, the significance, the connectedness of the act and the spiritual nature of it, and because it allows the two spirits two stand outside of time, together, as one. Unfortunately it has been a very long time since I've felt that feeling. It's a massive hole in my life that I can't seem to fix, and it's utterly terrifying to think that I may never experience it again.
Anarchism: My first introduction to Anarchism was in high school due to my mentor, who suggested that Anarchism would be the optimal way of life for people if it could be achieved. I didn't agree fully until I read Bakunin. The only problem is that society is so morally devoid and pro-ego that it's not possible. I would say that Buddha, Jesus, etc. were very good examples of people professing anarchism as the one true path to utopia, but it is completely contingent on all people being as one, treating eachother as brothers and sisters, and working together for the common goals of the entire race. I am an anarchist at heart, I just can't see how the world as it is today can allow for it. The capitalists would simply become mob bosses, and the cycle of government would restart all over again from authoritarian.
Ethics: This one is simple. I enjoy ethics. I really think Kant's Categorical Imperative is probably one of the best tools ever in the history of the world. It can encapsulate the ethical beliefs of essentially every religion on the face of the planet, even the self-surrendering non-violence of a hardline zen buddhist. But in general, I tend to put a good deal of thought into the ethics of any action I take, and there have been some cases where this has prevented me from moving on with my life, but I think eventually it will all work out.
Zen: Zen and Buddhism in general were big influences in my spiritual paradigm. Living in the moment (the temporal axis, you might say?) is important for healthiness, but I have fallen out of meditation and eventually I hope to step back into it, because without it living in the moment becomes increasingly difficult. My broken heart broke a good portion of everything else, including my buddhist tendencies. Zen ways of perceiving the world, Taoist ways of perceiving the world, are all very close to my heart, and the values inherent in buddhism, ethically and otherwise, are also very close to my heart, and to my intuition are aligned with the true nature of "good" "right" and "enlightenment." It's a big reason why military service is such a hard thing for me to consider...it's a major conflict inside of me, which I imagine is probably an expression of my ego's resistance to the true path.
Yoga: This falls in with the spiritual side as well. I studied and practiced it somewhat before I had professional training in college, which shouldn't come as a surprise...I honestly have studied just about every religion the planet over. Yoga goes hand in hand with Buddhism and Tantra...to me they all work together towards the same goals in very similar ways, even if they deal with different aspects of reality. Yoga is a physical expression of the path, Buddhism/Zen is a mental expression, Tantra is an emotional expression. They are all spiritual expressions and will bring a person closer to alignment with the universe/divinity when practiced with authenticity. When they are not practiced with authenticity, they will have material benefits but the spiritual aspect will be lost. The awareness, the mindfulness must be there.
Soundgarden: I wrote a paper comparing Fell on Black Days to Oedipus Rex in college. They are eerily similar, and I think my early 30s professor at the time seemed struck that I even knew of Soundgarden at my age. She was a cutie. A-Sides was my favorite album, by a far and wide margin. Much teenage angst dealt with through them, although not at all compared to
Nine Inch Nails: I don't honestly remember how I discovered Reznor. I know Matt introduced me to A Perfect Circle, who I loved from day one (and eventually I learned of TooL through a mutual friend) but I really don't believe he introduced me to Reznor. I almost want to say I may have stumbled on it through my various toilings on the internet as a boy, but the fact is I was handed Quake 1 at the age of 11 and Reznor did all of the sound effects and music for that particular game (which I never knew until long after I had stopped playing!) the NIN symbol was even on the ammo boxes for the nailgun. I was introduced to Reznor's musical style and sound creation long before I ever listened to any of his real albums...it's rather amazing for me to think about. I think it was probably fate. NIN is by a far and wide margin my favorite artist of all time. It doesn't matter if his stuff is angsty and dark...I know most people grow out of it but I never will. You have to have the dark to have the light, and it's not as if Reznor didn't have his light side. And I am very happy that he got married :) He deserves it...I hope all of his broken-hearted fans who empathized with him over the years do too. We all deserve it. And I think that's part of what he's really talking about in "We're In This Together" ... that's just an observation from yesterday, in my 22 year old mind. In my 15 year old mind, it was about me and Cassandra, the 19 year old who would've married me had I been older. I was a lucky boy to have gotten so close with a girl that much older than me, as beautiful and intelligent as she was. I was the one who didn't have the guts to go all the way with her when the opportunity was right there on a mattress, in an attic, nine inch nails playing in the background, and a 5th of rum between us.