going...

[sathor]

So yeah...where is my life going again?
I don't know...lost direction awhile ago.

I take a look at my abilities...at what i want to increase...what i want to continue with. Where is it going to take me? I have this obsession with playing on muds...that's not getting me anywhere. I draw quite a bit, but that's not getting me anywhere either probably. I'll never get good enough at it for it to be a reliable source of income. I listen to music...that just affects my mood and makes me nicer or more irritable. I like to write sometimes...but that's not getting me anywhere, it's just to vent. Computers...for fun. Electronics...to upgrade my computer for more fun. So where /am/ i going? Nowhere?

I'm afraid i'm going to fade away and then die a lonely death. Not that i'de want it any other way, people caring just complicate things.

I expressed what i think i felt for a girl...i'm not sure what that did. For now it seems to have made life slightly easier on me, but these long nights where there is no noise but me typing or the music in the background, i start to think. I wonder if maybe i was deceived all along...she just didn't want to hurt me...i'de rather have everything blunt, right to my face. That way i can face everything all at once instead of allows thoughts to creep in. But then again, she might've been blunt when she said what she did.

Being destroyed by my own delusions...hurt by my own thoughts and dreams. Maybe the reason we hurt is because we cause it ourselves.

I sharpened my knife today, for what reason? Had i kept it dull, it wouldn't have tempted me for use, but yeah...-sighs and looks at it-

I watched Lord of the Rings alone tonight. I cried during a lot of parts...err, just shed a lot of tears. It really hits me home when i watch it...the elvish language is so beautiful. I noticed it has less words to describe more of ours, and that means they care more about body language and tone of voice and just emotion...something that i cherish and the best way i communicate is through those.

I'm 15 now...not that it matters. I'm still too young for anyone over 18, ruining my chances of a relationship any time soon. Maybe i'll be dead before i find someone....wouldn't that be grand. Not that love even matters...it's just a temporary fix, even if it is lifelong "We can't love forever." - Queen - Who wants to live forever

15...big deal. I don't feel any different. I still feel old...so damn old. And no one cares to look at that instead of my physical age. I feel so hurt because age is what's stopping me...i want to just say 'fuck society and it's rules, forget about physical age, and look at people for who they are' and i have said it...i just wish everyone else would.

No one will read this...why do i even write. -sighs-

Comments

[ryhian.livejournal.com]

Hey, what muds do you play? I used to play some back when I was in high school a lot. My main one was called Dragon Realms though, it wasnt the typical telnet/zmud mud, you had to pay to play it. I enjoyed it a lot and it kinda got me hooked on online gaming a bit. I went to Everquest from there and spent about 3 years playing that everyday. It became sorta like my life--an addiction. I finally moved on from that and now basically I dont play any muds or online rpgs just because I know that I'll get drawn in and addicted to them. I love the interaction and being able to possibly be the best..thats what kept me playing them for so long.

But you're young, you dont really need to think about the downside of life or think that much into things. Just have fun, do stuff you enjoy and try to do well in school(Ya I know it sounds lame especially since I hated school, but in the end it will make you feel more acomplished and overall happier.) Girls can really fuck a person up when they're already down and then something goes wrong with that. You just feel like you dont have anything left and no where to turn. I've always enjoyed reading your LJs and just seeing how your life is going. I dont really have many people on my friends list. I just put people on whose lives intregue me. You sound like a cool guy and im sure things will get better for you in the future.

Re:

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Heh, young...yeah. Well, i don't exactly get along with kids my age too well. I suppose i could if i put on a mask and tried acting my age, but that's really tough for me now, and i pretty much refuse to. I'm a developer on one of the few Shadowrun MUDs in existence: Awake 2062. And well, girls always do that...but from what i can tell, they never know why it hurts the guy when they say, 'Can't we just be friends?' a guy has his pride...and when he's felt rejection he doesn't want to face the person that did it again. He always puts the blame on himself too, complicating matters. It's weird because somehow its instinct.

[darklifejae.livejournal.com]

i always read your journals...how could i not? -- you remind me so much of me...or at least your views on life and emotions. i know what you mean about feeling older -- i'm gonna be 16 on the 20th -- but i feel older than my parents

*chuckle*

[hav.livejournal.com]

You always say that nobody'll read it, and what happens? Tons of replies.

Hey, you're better off than me. I don't know who the hell reads my LJ, but the only people who reply are the usual crew. Uh, like 4 people. Maybe I should post more.

Anyway.

I've said this time and again, enough that even I believe it.

Things will change for the better. Quit being so goddamn down and do something you enjoy instead of sitting morosely in your room. Take a risk, have some fun. Scare some people.

That's one reason why I took up vintage motocross.

Re: *chuckle*

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Heh, sitting morosely in my room is fun damnit! But really, there's few things i enjoy now. I have my down points, i should just erase these entries as soon as i get better, so i don't have to answer replies such as these while in a good mood :p

hey.

[cichli.livejournal.com]

Hey dran.. i always read your journals too so keep writing, cause they're very interesting.
all i can say is, there will be better times. you remember how i felt a few months back?
well that;s all turned now, i got into a college, and i'm going away from home THANK GOD, and i generally feel alot better.
so just hang in there i guess, you're only 15(no pun intended) and life has just begun, there WILL be better times.

Re: hey.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Bastard! Do you still play Awake? -snickers-
Good thing you got into a college as well, maybe you'll go somewhere in life unlike me (I'm going too look too weird by the time i'm out of school to get real good jobs :D )