![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorSo yeah...where is my life going again?
I don't know...lost direction awhile ago.
I take a look at my abilities...at what i want to increase...what i want to continue with. Where is it going to take me? I have this obsession with playing on muds...that's not getting me anywhere. I draw quite a bit, but that's not getting me anywhere either probably. I'll never get good enough at it for it to be a reliable source of income. I listen to music...that just affects my mood and makes me nicer or more irritable. I like to write sometimes...but that's not getting me anywhere, it's just to vent. Computers...for fun. Electronics...to upgrade my computer for more fun. So where /am/ i going? Nowhere?
I'm afraid i'm going to fade away and then die a lonely death. Not that i'de want it any other way, people caring just complicate things.
I expressed what i think i felt for a girl...i'm not sure what that did. For now it seems to have made life slightly easier on me, but these long nights where there is no noise but me typing or the music in the background, i start to think. I wonder if maybe i was deceived all along...she just didn't want to hurt me...i'de rather have everything blunt, right to my face. That way i can face everything all at once instead of allows thoughts to creep in. But then again, she might've been blunt when she said what she did.
Being destroyed by my own delusions...hurt by my own thoughts and dreams. Maybe the reason we hurt is because we cause it ourselves.
I sharpened my knife today, for what reason? Had i kept it dull, it wouldn't have tempted me for use, but yeah...-sighs and looks at it-
I watched Lord of the Rings alone tonight. I cried during a lot of parts...err, just shed a lot of tears. It really hits me home when i watch it...the elvish language is so beautiful. I noticed it has less words to describe more of ours, and that means they care more about body language and tone of voice and just emotion...something that i cherish and the best way i communicate is through those.
I'm 15 now...not that it matters. I'm still too young for anyone over 18, ruining my chances of a relationship any time soon. Maybe i'll be dead before i find someone....wouldn't that be grand. Not that love even matters...it's just a temporary fix, even if it is lifelong "We can't love forever." - Queen - Who wants to live forever
15...big deal. I don't feel any different. I still feel old...so damn old. And no one cares to look at that instead of my physical age. I feel so hurt because age is what's stopping me...i want to just say 'fuck society and it's rules, forget about physical age, and look at people for who they are' and i have said it...i just wish everyone else would.
No one will read this...why do i even write. -sighs-
I don't know...lost direction awhile ago.
I take a look at my abilities...at what i want to increase...what i want to continue with. Where is it going to take me? I have this obsession with playing on muds...that's not getting me anywhere. I draw quite a bit, but that's not getting me anywhere either probably. I'll never get good enough at it for it to be a reliable source of income. I listen to music...that just affects my mood and makes me nicer or more irritable. I like to write sometimes...but that's not getting me anywhere, it's just to vent. Computers...for fun. Electronics...to upgrade my computer for more fun. So where /am/ i going? Nowhere?
I'm afraid i'm going to fade away and then die a lonely death. Not that i'de want it any other way, people caring just complicate things.
I expressed what i think i felt for a girl...i'm not sure what that did. For now it seems to have made life slightly easier on me, but these long nights where there is no noise but me typing or the music in the background, i start to think. I wonder if maybe i was deceived all along...she just didn't want to hurt me...i'de rather have everything blunt, right to my face. That way i can face everything all at once instead of allows thoughts to creep in. But then again, she might've been blunt when she said what she did.
Being destroyed by my own delusions...hurt by my own thoughts and dreams. Maybe the reason we hurt is because we cause it ourselves.
I sharpened my knife today, for what reason? Had i kept it dull, it wouldn't have tempted me for use, but yeah...-sighs and looks at it-
I watched Lord of the Rings alone tonight. I cried during a lot of parts...err, just shed a lot of tears. It really hits me home when i watch it...the elvish language is so beautiful. I noticed it has less words to describe more of ours, and that means they care more about body language and tone of voice and just emotion...something that i cherish and the best way i communicate is through those.
I'm 15 now...not that it matters. I'm still too young for anyone over 18, ruining my chances of a relationship any time soon. Maybe i'll be dead before i find someone....wouldn't that be grand. Not that love even matters...it's just a temporary fix, even if it is lifelong "We can't love forever." - Queen - Who wants to live forever
15...big deal. I don't feel any different. I still feel old...so damn old. And no one cares to look at that instead of my physical age. I feel so hurt because age is what's stopping me...i want to just say 'fuck society and it's rules, forget about physical age, and look at people for who they are' and i have said it...i just wish everyone else would.
No one will read this...why do i even write. -sighs-
