(no subject)

[sathor]

I am going to apply either for spring or next fall semester to a number of schools. I'm also going to pick up a job at Blair for awhile, just to keep me stable and in good spirits (ahem.) I like marijuana (and it can be semi-expensive), and I don't care what you believe - because I'll be honest, it makes me an intellectual juggernaut and I can blow through dense philosophers like there's no tomorrow when I'm high. Hobbes Leviathan rings a bell - I'm not reading further of that until I get more weed. Sorry. Go read him. You'll know why.

I looked into the Chase loans. They offer a maximum of 180,000 for graduate students, and you don't have to pay while you are in school. Yeah, I'm going to rack up some ridiculous debt. But that's alright. I am going to apply to some private and public institutions, and with my GPA I can, at least, cross my fingers that I'll get substantial institutional aid. I can not sacrifice my morals and ethics to make quick cash.

If I get an average for Allegheny College (around 15,000) in institutional aid, I'll only be 36,000 in debt when I get out with my Bachelor's (ideally)

Then, I can either go into the Armed Forces and get rid of that in four years, then continue on to graduate school (with additional education through the COAST GUARD, they offer plenty over time) or I can go straight to Grad school for two-four years. After two years in grad, I can teach high school with a masters and get help repaying loans through state programs. If I go straight for the Phd, I could look for tenure track and at worst, probably end up teaching high school once again. Or go career COAST GUARD as an officer and retire in my early 50s with a great pension. That's right - no more Navy. Coast Guard. They help people. They save people's lives. I don't want to be a part of killing people in any fashion, and I know it's the right decision if I have to make it.

I'm not looking forward to living in a dormitory. I may not have too, but I likely will if I don't want to work simultaneously while schooling - and honestly, I /refuse/ to do that. If I'm in college, I'm going to concentrate on my studies and improving myself. Work provides money and I don't want to have to worry about money while I'm in college. Summer work is likely, however. Possibly a low-hours job working /for/ the college in question - I would enjoy that. But I'm not going to go do stupid shit I will hate for measly wages that won't get me anything I desire anyway.

I mean, what do I really desire materially in my lifetime?

A grand piano
A harp
An electric guitar
An electric bass
A really nice acoustic guitar
Amplifiers
A few kickass synth modules
A really nice keyboard with real piano feel
And some crazy lights for crazy li

And a giant study with lots of books. I could buy all of this with a year of work easily, if I did not have expenses. Hence...probably the Coast Guard at some point. Although if I meet a girl, that whole idea might change huh...

A new computer maybe every four years or so, although that is changing because I don't need as powerful of a computer to do what I love to do anymore.

I don't really desire a car, if I can avoid owning one I will. A house would be nice, but eventually this house will be mine and I'd like to keep it in the family. There's a lot of things I can't work out right now, where I am currently in my life. I could end up living anywhere, even in a foreign country. My music could take off before I'm 30 (but I don't think I will pursue it professionally at all after my 20s are over, unless it's just in recording and mastering for other artists.) Then again, with the way life expectancies are changing, we might see more breakthrough artists in their 30s. Actually, most of the breakthrough electronic legends right now are in their late 20s/30s. I think that might have something to do with the learning curve with regards to synth.

The problem at the moment is determining what exactly I am going to pursue in college. I have my assoc in liberal arts, so I can continue on any path within there (I had equal number of credits in psych and philo, actually.)

If I can swing not working, I will double major in both. If I can get a B.A. in psych and philo, and then a master's in one, I am quite sure I could teach a lot of different things in high school including english, creative writing, and possibly even music (depending on how far i've taken my talents by then.) Two B.A.s would actually allow me to teach...and I'm pretty sure I could get two B.A.s in two years. I believe my grades would take a hit if I double majored, but the work ethic I'd have to develop would be very good for my future, and even with lower grades, a double major for two-three years will look excellent on a resume.

The problem is I'm not sure philosophy is /really/ my thing. I love reading it, I love thinking about it, but teaching it to a bunch of people to, someday, teach themselves, just seems like a pyramid scheme to me. With psychology I can help people - I think I would actually enjoy teaching classes at a high school as well as acting as a counselor. And because I'm not freudian, I think I would be a great asset.

Things always look better when I focus on myself. Yeah, I'm sick of being alone...but you know, by the time I go back to college, I'll probably be 170-180lbs of muscle and be in the best shape of my life. Up to 155-160lbs fluctuating clothed, btw - that's better than a month ago where it was 145-150. I'm actually under the minimum weight for military admission until I hit 165 (based on my height.) This tells me my body fat % is probably between 1-5% and I likely should be dead.

Which reminds me, I need to go eat. I've been doing pushups every day/other day (depending on how i feel physically), starting with basic, then doing one foot down, then doing elevated (feet on a chair) until failure for each exercise type. It's harder than benching, and it works my upper chest, shoulders and neck a hell of a lot more. I'm going to start working in crunches/situps soon, and I've been running but not nearly as much as I'd like. Yoga is nice to throw in as well. The past few days I've done pushups for a total of 15-20 minutes, which is pretty good. When I start adding in other exercises to the rotation, I should be hitting almost an hour/day, and I'd like that. I run on the opposing days, right now for just a mile...but I will work that up. Especially after I quit smoking.

I'm really starting to enjoy playing keyboard every day. It was hard to keep with it for awhile, but it's becoming more and more common. It's probably partially because I don't have a job, but I'm going to have to be vigilant once I start working again. I try to hit at least 30 minutes a day of keyboard, and sometimes 30 minutes of guitar on top of that. I am always amazed by my ability to come up with new, beautiful ideas on piano. And my ability to play separate patterns with each hand simultaneously gets better every day - it takes so much concentration, it's like splitting your mind in half. It's fucking beautiful when you get it right. It feels so awesome.

Pretty soon, though, I'm going to have to sit down and teach myself sheet music. I dread the concept, but I want to learn classical pieces very badly. I could learn them by ear, I am certain, given time...but there's something about the idea of learning how to read sheet music and play it as you read. I would love to lay claim to a talent like that in my lifetime.



This post is giant...one of the largest for awhile. And I'm going to keep going with it, for a little while longer.

I was worrying for a long time, that I was spreading myself too thin. I don't think that's the case. I think if I don't push my mental and physical limitations, I won't evolve. You can't presume you are limited in the same fashion as others claim they are. 25 might be the point where your ability to learn starts to drop off, and you may learn better and faster as a child...but that doesn't mean you can't learn now. And I want to learn, man.

I am slightly pissed that the dishonest girl I like is the one that seems the most committed. But maybe that's just the appearance she wants to put outward.

I'd like to know why she hasn't talked to me in two weeks, though. I told her happy birthday yesterday, no response. Yet she didn't remove me as a friend on myspace, and there hasn't been an indication she doesn't want to talk. What the fuck is she doing? No signs she's dating another guy, or anything like that. Did I scare her off, or is she just still too heartbroken to want to try and talk with me...or is she afraid that if she started getting with me, that other guy would come back and she'd break my heart instead?

I'd ask her these things, but it presumes too much.

I'll leave this post here for now...although I think I could go on for quite awhile.

Still praying for that girl of my dreams...


 

Comments

[freefall127.livejournal.com]

haha "like a pyramid scheme" that's great. i'd love to say that to a professor.
anyway, be sure and take some science classes. not only is the natural world cool but learning to think scientifically will always be useful.
it may take a little longer if you take electives but some music classes might be fun too.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I would likely flunk science courses, and no I'm not kidding.

I am intelligent, but I live in a different paradigm than science perpetuates. Maybe I could understand it better now that I am older, but I dropped chemistry in high school because I simply couldn't handle it without a personal guiding hand. Labs, actually, I could handle. It was all the theory and nonsense like that that killed me. Practical stuff though, wasn't that bad.

[freefall127.livejournal.com]

a lot of philosophical thinking is based on messed up or poorly understood scientific theories. it's good to be able to sort the wheat from the chaff.

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

If you do decide to take any hard science...feel free to ask me for help. I promise I can be an excellent resource. Not a great teacher, but maybe an ok one...

[noximist.livejournal.com]

It's bedtime on a Thursday, and I've been building theoretical machines for hours - this must mean it's time for an unnecessarily long, blathering reply! This comment is a mishmash of responses to a bunch of entries, but you'll figure it all out. And if not, I'll draw you a flow chart; it'll be low on content and heavy on bad sketches of ponies. ;)

The thing that I'm most qualified to comment on here is the way you meander around the idea of grad school. That's not a big deal, because you'll have plenty of time to think about it in detail if you do a BA, but it suggests that unless something really lights a fire under you while you're in college, pursuing advanced studies doesn't really make that much sense. An MA in psych or philosophy is essentially worthless; actually, an MA in anything is worthless, unless it's in one of the very few fields in which a Masters is the barrier to entry. (This is not the case with psychology; to be a practicing psychologist, you generally need a PhD.) If you're leaning toward teaching, it makes much more sense to get a BA and then a BEd, since that's what high schools want. It's also the way to learn to be a good teacher, since a Masters program won't help you with that.

Really, graduate school is for people who are obsessed with a particular area of academia and can't imagine doing anything else with their lives. You're not there, or at least not now - judging from your musings, you're all over the place, and you don't know what you really want yet. You don't have to be a genius to get a PhD, but you need absolute single-mindedness and devotion. Trust me when I tell you that spending even just four years (the second half of a BA and an MA) on one subject is exhausting; a PhD would require eight or nine. That's not something you do just because you can.

I still think about it from time to time because tenure's so tempting (and I want to be Dr. Noxi, dammit!), but the publish-or-perish mentality that accompanies tenure-track positions at just about every university is something I don't possess. If you don't, either, you're better off focusing on the things you actually enjoy, the things that make time melt away like you're not working at all.

It sounds like you're most drawn to the idea of teaching, and the good thing about that is that you can major in just about anything that interests you, then go on to a BEd. Think carefully before you major in something like philosophy, though, because if you decide not to teach, it won't help you get a job in any way.

But oh, I do feel your pain on the subject of being smart and yet not receiving everything you think you deserve. After a couple of years in the workforce and a return to a much more challenging degree, I think I've finally been disabused of that notion... but it lingered for a long while. The thing is that being a genius, even though it's nice and everything, is ultimately not what makes a person successful or happy.

I've met more brilliant people over the past few years than I had in the preceding twenty, and what separates the fulfilled ones from the rest is hard work and focus. They figure out what brings them satisfaction, then they pursue it relentlessly. Having the capacity to learn all sorts of things makes this process easier, but it's not enough on its own. Some of the smartest people I've ever met are languishing in powerfully unexceptional lives, and it's mostly because they were blinded by their own IQs; they expected good things to come to them just because of their giant space brains, and life doesn't work that way. Natural talent is the beginning, but they say it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill, and that includes the emotional, social, and intellectual ones.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I think, if I am a genius, it has been more of a burden...as I don't measure my life in accomplishments...but the strength and greatness of the relationships I have...romantic or otherwise. And it has been hard to find women who can handle this brain of mine, be it genius or simply just outside the box (or crazy...you can decide.)

I would love to be an educator, I think, and for a great many reasons. Not only do you receive the summer's (mostly) off - and this is great for someone musically and artistically inclined such as myself - you have a chance to change the world from the bottom up, and really try to make it a better place. And in general, I don't think I've ever necessarily been perceived uncool even by the gen's younger than myself - and that's probably a good sign I'll have an easier time developing rapport with teenagers later on (or maybe it's because I'll always be a teenager, in a way?)

Thank you for the advice on the BA-BEd. I appreciate some words from someone who knows something about this - no one I know does. Hah.

[mystic-waves.livejournal.com]

I am skipping the MS completely. I am doing research as an undergrad so that if I choose to do the PhD thing later I will have an idea of what I am getting into. I dunno about philosophy...but I think there would be something like that you could do also. And I yes the PhD is completely about determination and devotion. Although for Botany (and most of the hard sciences), unfortunately I can't do much individual research without one. Which means I will be stuck helping other people execute their ideas the rest of my life without one....

[noximist.livejournal.com]

You need to get out of there. You keep arguing that your life likely wouldn't be different if you lived somewhere else, but you're wrong. I can't say that it would be better, but it would definitely be different, likely in ways you would enjoy. There is no comparing a small town to a metropolis of millions, because the smart, the motivated, the beautiful, and the unusual tend to move from the former to the latter. Some people do manage to find the love of their life in underpopulated places, but are they people like you? Do they want the things you want? Spend a month in New York, Berkeley, London, or Toronto, and you'll discover where most of the interesting folks are. I felt like a big fish in Fredericton, and in Toronto I barely register... and that's a good thing. It shows me that I can be a genius but I'm not the smartest or the best, and that's a satisfying sort of challenge. It's taken me down a few pegs, and now I can really get to work.

Also, there are more hot, incredibly intelligent men and women here than I could seduce in a lifetime. :p If you want to pursue education, make music, and find someone who will meet your expectations, consider going somewhere bigger. The more people around, the more likely it is you'll find the ones with whom you connect.

Come visit Toronto and I'll show you what I mean!

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if I'm exactly "hot" material - I leave that for viewers to decide. So maybe not really hot, but average intelligent women would suffice.

I feel like a really small fish, honestly...usually. Very small, and very incapable, except 6'4" and probably having read too many esoteric texts in my life to fit in easily ;)

I want to get out. Really. I'm trying to figure it out. I would love to save for a "trip" to Amsterdam...

Toronto sounds wonderful...if you are serious maybe I'll consider a visit :P

And as far as that kiss and hug goes - you are right, it probably wouldn't help. But it would feel pretty good. Hah.