(no subject)

[sathor]

Constantly the thoughts rumble on about how it seems the world would disconnect itself from me, rather than myself disconnect from it.

I'm always thinking, "Do these people really want to hear from me?"
Whenever I make a move to do something that would make other's realize that I still exist beyond a memory of the last time we have seen eachother or talked.

Many times I will stop and not do anything. I guess I feel as though I am not worthy, and maybe I am not. Most of my friends betray me occasionally - It's okay, because I'm probably not worthy of having real friends. Haven't been able to love again, but maybe it's because in my messed up head, deep down in the subconscious, I feel that no one is worthy of my love again because a: I do not want to hurt or b: they do not surpass the /only/ person I have really loved in that special way. I can't shake it, at least I wasn't able to with the past three girls in my life. I think kayla was probably the only girl I was beginning to feel like I might be able to love, but then a lot of things happened and I wasn't sure of what was going to happen there.

I'm not sad, no. I'm not depressed, angry or happy either. I'm nothing, and I'm not sure how to deal with that.

I just wish that I didn't have to feel so insecure all of the time. Always thinking that people don't give a frag about you and causing lots of tension because of it, never able to have real conversation anymore.

Comments

[cichli.livejournal.com]

Well, you do feel something. Trust me on this.
I think deep down you have alot of feelings, you just don't know how to deal with them yet.
It's a defense mechanism, without them no human could function or live.

One of the problems is actually seeing in new directions, I used to be so hung up that I had everything figured out, but then I found out there was lots I didn't actually know.
It all became clear to me about life and death etc.

I don't know, I think you should talk a psychologist, I mean, they do know more than people give credit for, and way too many people feel alone, when there's actually lots of others who feel the exact same way.

Now I'm not trying to undermine what you believe or anything, but I guess it's unavoidable.
I learned through all this that all people have defense mechanisms for their basic anxiety of death.
And yours I believe, is this idea of other realms, and dying frees you from your shell etc, in the long run, all of these thoughts you have lead up to what you are feeling, everything you think and feel is interconnected to make up you as a whole.
And it's imperative that you somehow come out of those thoughts.

I'm experiencing this in a more direct manner, with my panic attacks, I feel the fear directly on my body.
But it's the same thing at the bottom.

Sorry for this long post, but I do consider you a friend, and that I should tell you what I've learned.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

You'd have to first become aware of the fact that I believe psychologists are a veritable crock of shit.

Not that I don't value your opinion man, believe me, I do, but I'm a bit different on my feelings than you as well.

Death being freedom from the shell isn't a singular belief that only I have either, but it's not exactly what I believe.

I believe that when you die the astral body separates from the physical and wanders in the astral until the etheric energy depletes, in which case the spirit continues to rise up and experience the different levels of the planes, such as the buddhic where the spirit is healed of all of the ailments it had from the previous life, making it ready for the next.

Regardless of if that happens or not, coax, it's what I believe in life. It makes no difference either way.

Im my belief, you reincarnate. I have no fear of death, believe me. I definitely don't feel I have learned all that I am supposed to in this life, but it's not as if I'm afraid to die or anything...I don't fear it at all. It will come some day as it comes for all people.

And man, there ARE multiple realms. Do you know what they consist of? Different perceptions of existence.

That's all multiple realities are. They are perception. And that's all reality is - it's perception. All you percieve makes up you, all you percieve defines your reality. That's why, "A dream as good as a memory, remember them so vividly"

I'm quite happy the way I am coax, actually, you'd be surprised I think.

That feeling really is just insecurity. I have large paranoia, that's probably my greatest downfall of all, and the source is how I got picked on constantly when I was a kid, and didn't know who any of my real friends were.

So, there ya have it. Anyway, I'm not undermining your beliefs at all, I'm just stating my side.

[cichli.livejournal.com]

I understand. I should stop my Freud parade when I really dont know.
I guess I'm pushing my own world onto yours, which isn't really there.

Man this is so fucked up.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

The world is what we make it, that's all.

You'll figure things out for yourself sooner or later I'm sure.

Be well man