(no subject)
Oct. 28th, 2003 03:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorI fall asleep on thoughts and questions aloud about who I am. What have I become, why has this life brought me here, what am I to be...
I fall asleep, with my arm above over my eyes. And as I drift farther away from the world it's as if a penetrating white light falls over me, noticeable only through the points my arm does not block out - but I do not move my arm. I just continue to drift, the thoughts leaving my mind until there is nothing - I am nothing - I will be nothing - and gone...I am asleep, or am I?
In the dreams after such a time there is much to be seen. Strange people met and gone. Strange ideas thrown about and out the window, and strange places that I travel too.
But one remembrance of this dream I had only minutes ago, though the memory already begins to fade, stands tall in my mind even now.
A woman, or a girl...elderly or young...or middle-aged...I do not know. She felt as if she was everything and nothing at once, and I longed to see her face, to see who she was...but I couldn't turn around. I don't know why.
She grasped me by my shoulders lovingly, and began to massage them. "I know this is pleasureable for you, so please don't move away." she says in a voice which I cannot determine the age of either...It was everything and nothing at once...but it was female...
As she caressed my shoulders, i felt the feeling I haven't felt since the hug I received from Cassandra so many months ago. That feeling of being totally complete, as if the world stops around you and all that matters is the moment - that moment where you are perfect, the world is perfect, the person near you is perfect. Everything is perfect in moment but a moment is only fleeting.
"If you told me that I hurt you to make me hurt, I understand." she says, in that same voice.
"But if anything, the walk was enjoyable."
Then it was gone. The only part of her remembered was a hand that had an obvious vein running near the thumb, down her hand and to her wrist, which was out of sight.
Everything and nothing.
For some reason this all feels too strange.
In my horoscope today it said that a friend from long ago would show themselves, if only for a moment, and that I should reminisce with them and move on.
Would this be it? What is this? Why do the questions I asked only bring about more questions without answers?
I fall asleep, with my arm above over my eyes. And as I drift farther away from the world it's as if a penetrating white light falls over me, noticeable only through the points my arm does not block out - but I do not move my arm. I just continue to drift, the thoughts leaving my mind until there is nothing - I am nothing - I will be nothing - and gone...I am asleep, or am I?
In the dreams after such a time there is much to be seen. Strange people met and gone. Strange ideas thrown about and out the window, and strange places that I travel too.
But one remembrance of this dream I had only minutes ago, though the memory already begins to fade, stands tall in my mind even now.
A woman, or a girl...elderly or young...or middle-aged...I do not know. She felt as if she was everything and nothing at once, and I longed to see her face, to see who she was...but I couldn't turn around. I don't know why.
She grasped me by my shoulders lovingly, and began to massage them. "I know this is pleasureable for you, so please don't move away." she says in a voice which I cannot determine the age of either...It was everything and nothing at once...but it was female...
As she caressed my shoulders, i felt the feeling I haven't felt since the hug I received from Cassandra so many months ago. That feeling of being totally complete, as if the world stops around you and all that matters is the moment - that moment where you are perfect, the world is perfect, the person near you is perfect. Everything is perfect in moment but a moment is only fleeting.
"If you told me that I hurt you to make me hurt, I understand." she says, in that same voice.
"But if anything, the walk was enjoyable."
Then it was gone. The only part of her remembered was a hand that had an obvious vein running near the thumb, down her hand and to her wrist, which was out of sight.
Everything and nothing.
For some reason this all feels too strange.
In my horoscope today it said that a friend from long ago would show themselves, if only for a moment, and that I should reminisce with them and move on.
Would this be it? What is this? Why do the questions I asked only bring about more questions without answers?
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-28 01:01 pm (UTC)But the truth is - I am alone. And I have been ever since she left me. I've been hollow inside, no one fixes it, and that's why i can't find the reasons to go out and about to 'normal' gatherings when i get invited, when they don't involve drugs of some sort.
Being hollow like this has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. All I want is someone to be there for me - but I'm not going to find them here. I don't know if i will ever find them. I don't want to live like this forever. I keep telling myself that all I need is faith in my gods and i can survive. But I don't know if that's true. I don't know if I can live without what I've already experienced.
People tell me they can be there for me - but they can't understand. They haven't seen what i have seen, they haven't experienced what I have experienced. Cass and I had walked a scarily similar path through life, and I don't see why she wanted to walk away from me knowing that she may never find another person like me. I don't understand what the fates have planned for me, if they took away the only thing in this world that was capable of keeping me happy until it leaves.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-28 02:36 pm (UTC)not outside
you must truly embrace yourself before you can find it outside.