Nostalgia, or something

[sathor]

A thought occurred to me today that maybe I had been looking at a part of my past the wrong way. I think for the past seven years or so, I've been seeing it in a way that wasn't necessary - I always saw it as myself being far too inadequate, and that I had been the problem, and that I hadn't deserved her - whatever. I think a better way of looking at it, and a more accurate one, is that I was lucky enough to actually be with, at that point in time, the best looking girl I had ever known, and one I had been infatuated with since I was a barely a teenager. I'm not sure there's very many people who were that lucky. Certainly things could have been different, but they aren't. I guess I'm just glad I actually have that moment in time to myself.

I don't regret anything that happened between us. I'm not sorry for what I said or what I felt, because in those moments that is exactly how it was. Even with the knowledge and wisdom I have now, I couldn't go back and control it - and I think that what happened there was the first and maybe the hardest lesson regarding control. That I don't control you, or anyone, and never will, and that I have to accept reality for what it is, even if it is chaotic and unpredictable at times.

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

That is some extremely valuable insight!

You've changed a lot in the past few years. Do you see that? What do you think about it?

[sathor.livejournal.com]

That's a hard question to answer. I know I've changed a great deal - actually, that's one thing about me that I've been tuned into for a long time. I change a considerable amount, and usually, I change more and for the better when I actually have the time and energy to devote to just -being-. It's something I lacked for years and years - I felt like I had a lot of demons building up that I didn't have the energy to face. I was consumed in relationships, drinking, smoking dope, and working, so much that I never really had a chance to deal with any of the buildup from those activities, aging, not taking care of myself and everything else - and the icing on the cake of the past decade was United. I had more time to be philosophical back when I was with the woman I mention in this post, and prior to that...but after that, there just wasn't the time. Time is something I have more than enough of now, happily so - even though it can't last forever. But nothing does.

I feel like your influence has been very helpful, especially in my elimination of magical thinking/development of rationalism and acceptance of what reality actually is. I think my idealism had gotten out of hand, and I think that impacted my ability to have real expectations out of this life I've been given (and really limited my ability to be -happy-.) Certainly anything can happen, but I need to be able to accept it for what it is, and not let myself be consumed in despair at what isn't. I can change many things - I -could- make massive changes if I wanted - but I also know what helps me feel good and what doesn't (something I can't take for granted because of the health issues and sensitivities.) I guess I have to be careful about making excuses for not making changes others think I should make (even ones I might think at times I should make) but that's a tough balance there...especially considering my sensitivities and tendencies and my objective experience of the world.

I could keep going but I don't want to get too long-winded. I will say that I'm much happier now than I probably have ever been in my entire life - something I have never been able to say before. I have my moments of course, but I think everyone does. Transient moments. The thing that strikes me as odd about my life at the moment is that for some it would be a terrible one (and even for a past idealistic self, it probably would be.) I could list off everything that's wrong with my life, but there's no point - I don't have to see it as wrong, I can just see that it /is/. It doesn't /have/ to be right or wrong. The fact I'm not extremely sociable and outgoing doesn't take away from my existence here. And I do believe that there's some valuable insight I garner from my relatively reclusive existence currently (although I do still attend events, go places, and see my friends weeklyish, even while I don't have a job - it could be much, much worse than that.)

I won't deny that this past 8 months has taught me a great deal about myself, and that I completely grok why Thoreau and Heidegger (and others of their ilk) might have been attracted to this ideal. I certainly didn't choose to live this way because of them, but the fact they did have their moments like this makes me feel less alone in my enjoyment of it.