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Aug. 10th, 2014 06:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorDon't really feel much better today, honestly. I made a campfire last night and sat out by it all on my lonesome - the moon was full for the first time I ever remember on my birthday. Played some guitar and stayed as philosophical in mind as possible.
My scalp is in the scaly phase now - feels somewhat like scabs. The inflammation went down a lot (around Thursday I swear a lump on the back of my head was bigger than it has ever been.) Not sure if the bump drained yet or not - no real indication on my pillow cases, anyway. Having long hair kinda changes that, though - back when I shaved my head, there'd be blood and pus on the case in little round circles. I know, whoever is reading this, probably doesn't want to hear this...but hey, this is a journal after all. When I die, it's probably going to be one of the only things left of my presence. I know I certainly don't have the network, friends or family to keep me metaphorically alive. At least someone will see the kind of fucked up shit I've had to deal with. Maybe the people that think I'm totally fucked up, "shut-in", "anti-social" will figure out that, you know, maybe I just went through some serious shit for years. Saying it that way, makes me a little fucking angry at my last ex. Of course I'm fucking depressed. The doctor's can't figure it out and I'm exhausted/weak/sick for weeks on end every couple months to a year. Why the fuck couldn't you just stand by me? Why do I ALWAYS have to be fucking PERFECT? Nobody else does though, that's right.
My only hope is that I will in this life figure out some truths, help some others to find it, and leave something behind for future generations. Everything else feels like it's falling apart. Ugh.
What a shitty birthday.
My scalp is in the scaly phase now - feels somewhat like scabs. The inflammation went down a lot (around Thursday I swear a lump on the back of my head was bigger than it has ever been.) Not sure if the bump drained yet or not - no real indication on my pillow cases, anyway. Having long hair kinda changes that, though - back when I shaved my head, there'd be blood and pus on the case in little round circles. I know, whoever is reading this, probably doesn't want to hear this...but hey, this is a journal after all. When I die, it's probably going to be one of the only things left of my presence. I know I certainly don't have the network, friends or family to keep me metaphorically alive. At least someone will see the kind of fucked up shit I've had to deal with. Maybe the people that think I'm totally fucked up, "shut-in", "anti-social" will figure out that, you know, maybe I just went through some serious shit for years. Saying it that way, makes me a little fucking angry at my last ex. Of course I'm fucking depressed. The doctor's can't figure it out and I'm exhausted/weak/sick for weeks on end every couple months to a year. Why the fuck couldn't you just stand by me? Why do I ALWAYS have to be fucking PERFECT? Nobody else does though, that's right.
My only hope is that I will in this life figure out some truths, help some others to find it, and leave something behind for future generations. Everything else feels like it's falling apart. Ugh.
What a shitty birthday.
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Date: 2014-08-27 08:50 pm (UTC)I ate corn on the cob last week, on a tuesday. Sometime wednesday afternoon, at work, I had such bad cramping and bloating (inflammation) that I literally thought I was going to die. I was convinced I ate razor blades or my appendix was going to burst.
I came home and took a laxative, laid down. A couple hours later still pain and bloating, finally went to the bathroom and felt slightly better. Got better after that. Couldn't figure out what caused it until I mentioned it to my mother. She figured the corn, I did some research...and apparently, that's a severe reaction that some people get.
I've had a sneaking suspicion about corn for awhile. Corn syrup replaces most sugar in sodas (when I drink a lot of soda, my facial scars/redness flares up, sometimes even my scalp gets worse.) Same thing kinda happens when I eat a lot of corn based cereals or tortilla chips or what have you.
So I think I've got that figured out - my body doesn't seem to like corn much at all. That's one down - I just need to break myself of even the occasional soda habit, and stay away from foods that have corn anything in them, and see how that goes for a month or two. I'm very hesitant to take dairy out of my diet because it has such a high protein content and I am a bit of a body builder anymore - gluten on the other hand I could probably manage, but it'd be a very difficult and slow process eliminating it. I like a lot of things that are simply -made- on the same equipment as gluten-containing products, such as Oats, that my body otherwise has no issue with (and oats are pretty much a super food, anyway.)
It's going to be a long process figuring it all out. I'm hoping I end up healthier and happier as a whole because of the challenges I've had...but I'm still not so sure about that. There's a lot of things in my life that I can't seem to fix or figure out...even though I'm trying.