(no subject)

[sathor]

I feel like it's completely out of the ordinary for there to be "awakened" people, if you grok what I'm saying. I'm not really sure how else to explain it - but it seems to me that most people do not function on this level, that most people do not converse on this level; their souls are dancing to a different tune all-together. That is not to say that this level is higher or lower, but I do not find most people who think in the same terms as I, who think about the same things as I do. Who connect the same ideas, who put love and compassion before all else. It seems much of the world around me seems more concerned with more material matters...entertainment...laughter...and that is fine and good, but at times I worry that I may not be much of a match, and that reduces me to more or less a permanent "outsider."

I have love and compassion, sure, but I am surrounded by very base, grotesque events and things. Last night I went to a small birthday party with Matt out an old camp road - I had a blast actually, but at the end of the night there was one girl and two very drunk (blackout) guys besides myself. This girl was getting felt up - her boyfriend was asleep - she complained about the one, but the other (Matt) she didn't seem to complain as much about - they have some sort of history, but even still. It made me painfully aware of how seemingly non-transparent life has a tendency to be. For whatever reason, male dominance is, at times, taken favorably and that concerns me precisely because I respect boundaries. If the generation I have grown up in acts this way, accepts this way, then how am I to proceed? I was concerned for a time that I might have to step in and physically protect this girl (and luckily I didn't) but it was still nonetheless a very unsettling experience for me.

I want to believe that there's others out there like me - that there is honor and good and loyalty - but I fear that my time to find these things has passed and I am now watching as my world collapses before me.

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Alas, it's true: most people are of average intelligence, and the average isn't stunningly high. Most Americans, even those of above-average intelligence with college degrees, didn't get a very good education. And while most people would say they want to be good, kind, honorable people, a lot of them have little idea how to go about it, and not much motivation to find out.

Most people are more broken than they appear on the surface, too - some of them so broken that they deserve a medal for managing to keep themselves together at all, however poorly - and nearly all have shame and confusion about their brokenness. They don't perceive other people very clearly, because they're so focused on worrying about how other people are perceiving them, so their social interactions are full of misunderstandings. And all their lives, they've been bombarded with messages that they can only be okay if they spend enough money on buying all the Right Stuff.

"I have love and compassion, sure, but I am surrounded by very base, grotesque events and things."

LOL, well of course, young Jedi; what did you expect? It's easy to have love and compassion for the good, the beautiful, the innocent... not so easy to have it for the sleazy, the weaselly, the stubbornly-stupid, the drama-ridden victims of their own lack of self-discipline. So? You chose this - those people are in your life for no reason but that you wanted them to be - and if they're challenging to love, that's probably because you need the challenge.

Of course, it also may be that these are the folk you hang out with because in certain ways they're not a challenge - because they're so easy to be 'better than' that you can relax around them, and not feel insecure about how you're presenting. That's not a bad thing in itself, but it's something to watch, for two reasons: first, that that 'better than' feeling is inimical to real compassion, and sets one up for the dreaded drama triangle if one's not careful. Second, because habitually hanging out with low-functioning people can lead one to think that they're 'the norm'. This is disheartening, and tends to lower one's own standards, which then makes it more difficult to interact confidently and effectively with higher-functioning people.

(Too long; continuing in next comment...)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

(Continued)

Your friends sound like they're basically pretty decent people, but of average intelligence, little education, little introspection, and little ambition beyond a paycheck adequate to party on, plus love/marriage/family somewhere in the future. That's the norm for rural/small town working-class twenty-somethings, and it's okay as far as it goes, but.... it doesn't go very far.

Seems like your dilemma is partly because you do fit in fairly comfortably there, even though you're bored with the trivial conversation and dismayed by the low moral standards. You have a lot of good reasons to 'bloom where you're planted', but you also have a lot of good reasons to get the hell out of Dodge for a while, and you can't exactly do both at once.

Your time hasn't passed, dearheart. That feeling you've got of being 'old' is characteristic of your age, and - strange but true - will diminish in your 30's. I think what causes it is the realization that one is ceasing growing and beginning to age, which is a major physiological change, even though not very visible. You're still quite young, though; not even out of your 'tweens' yet, and if the world is collapsing, the young and strong don't get to just stand there watching it collapse.

The sense of futility would probably lift if you found a cause to work for. Plus, the intelligent, responsible, compassionate people you want to meet aren't hanging around in bars. Doubtless there are a dozen or more organizations doing good in your area, that could use your help doing it.

Good on you for being willing to protect the drunk chick; that means a lot. The generation you've grown up in doesn't act that way normally; you've all heard "No Means No" since early childhood - that's why it's shocking and unsettling when certain individuals do act that way. Just because some people get stinking drunk and make asses of themselves, doesn't mean that that's generally considered acceptable. *hugs* You keep right on holding out for the higher standard, hon; you're not the only one.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Everything you say is so full of truth. The reality is I've been looking and seeking most of my life for a group of people that are a challenge, but have never really come across them - and maybe part of that is having not looked in the right places, but also life is not 100% under my control either. Some things, at times I think anyway, are just meant to be. Whether that's rational or irrational.

The group of guys I work with currently (and have been spending time with outside of work as well) are actually the first group in a very long time that I've felt I meshed with relatively well - there's some ugliness there sure, but they are all rather bright (and deep) and much more philosophical than what the world typical produces. It's refreshing - seems also coincidental it happened at the time that it did (when I probably needed these kinds of people the most.) My work atmosphere was terrible prior to these guys, and now I'm the senior member in my shop at work.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Most of my friends are totally decent people. Some are more intelligent than others - the two new guys I've been working with, one was privately schooled (catholic) and the other was gifted. That actually sets me BELOW them by all "objective" metrics, although we seem to be pretty equal with different areas of expertise or interest. Some of my older friends have gone down some shadier roads (yet another reason why I'm so glad I've made some new ones.)

Matt did feel like an ass about that night, as I found out Monday. So he kinda knew what was goin' on, but he was drunk. I don't think he had it in his heart to do anything crazy, but the other kid on the other hand... (and that was the first I had met him.)

I am still caught between staying and going. It's not time to make the decision yet - maybe next year. I feel a great deal of positive energy building right now - things are looking up and good - I'm having quite a bit of fun this summer, getting out more than I have in a long time, and meeting more people than I have in a long time. I haven't really expanded my horizons on the relationship side of things, but I feel that's just kind of how it is...it's not exactly easy, especially not for me. And maybe right now, that's just not what's supposed to be. I don't mind the extra spare time for art at all - I've been playing guitar and piano almost every day.

-hugs-

Glad you stopped by! Hope all is well - I'm sure you're staying busy :) I hope I can be as energetic as you when I'm your age.