I need to write an update

[sathor]

A lot of things have been going through my head, and it's better that I get them down. I should already be asleep, but it is what it is - yesterday I stayed up until 12:30 watching A Clockwork Orange, and today has been no better. I've been reading about some forms of dermatitis (and I've been having luck treating some of my face issues, so lets all hope that continues as planned.) Doctors never seemed to have good answers, and if I am as bright as people have thought I am, I ought to be able to resolve my issues with proper research and application myself. I'm going to try hydrocortisone cream twice a day, because I think this is seborrheic dermatitis, and I've been using salicyclic acid cleanser for the first time in years, which has for the first few days broken the area out...everything I read says typically it will get worse before it gets better, so I'll continue this for a couple weeks and if it's not working, I'll try something else. Seems to be making a huge difference so far, though, besides the breakout - and I have a theory that it could be because there's a lot of crap under the healthy layer of skin that couldn't get out, locked in the pores covered in dirt and oil. It was actually mentioned somewhere that this kind of skin condition is more common in people of northern european descent...along with gluten allergy. I've always had a bit of an intuition about the gluten thing making the skin issues worse, but I don't have serious reactions like those with celiac's disease do...so it's hard to say.

I mentioned the next issue in a previous post, I think, quite some time ago. But it -keeps happening- and I'm not really sure what to make of it. Whether it's because I'm working night shift, or some other esoteric reason, I'm not quite sure...but essentially, my mind keeps stumbling on old dreams. And not the kind that you think about or hope for - I mean the kind of dreams that you actually experience while asleep. Most of the time I don't recall dreams out of the blue...but within the past month or so, I've mentally tripped over just about every dream I've had (and remembered vividly, or written down) for the past ten years or so. In fact, one morning while I lay in bed trying to sleep, I literally went through a series of reliving about seven of my "major" dreams (dreams that had some serious archetypal, emotional or spiritual significance) seemingly in order from most recent to oldest! I can't explain this phenomena...I've never read about it happening to anyone, never had anyone talk to me about it happening to them. It concerns me because it could be some emergence of a mental health issue or something else, although it seems harmless...I'm just bewildered and, maybe it's my spiritual side talking, but somewhat curious...because it seems like my subconscious (subconscious memory or the subconscious itself) is either erupting into my conscious, or it's trying to send me a message loud and clear...and I can't seem to figure out what that message is. If it is the former it might be something to be concerned about...

I've had a few other insights the past few days as well. For one, I'm not really sure I can place blame on my exes whatsoever - even Cookie, whom I loved and still love very dearly - if in fact she was as apprehensive towards me as I think she was, it must have been a terrible feeling to recognize that someone who she didn't love deeply, loved her as genuinely as I did. To illustrate the point, what if one were to live a life where they were constantly beset by strong love from others, whom one didn't love? How wretched would such an existence be? How terrible would the suffering be, searching for love that was both given and received equally, but never finding it? I imagine it would be as terrible as never finding love at all, but always desiring it. I would go into detail with the others and specifics, but it's probably unnecessary - the point is for me, I think, that I was with girls whom weren't really my type, and I could plainly see that...however I loved unconditionally and simply wanted someone to be there with me...as selfish as that is...because I felt it would fill a void, solve a part of the puzzle that is my life. I wouldn't want to take away from the feelings that I felt, and still feel...but it seems wrong to believe that a lifetime commitment could be based on that alone.

Another insight, although I've made this acknowledgement before, is that at times I really do seem to suffer from avoidant personality disorder. I find myself fidgeting, looking for ways to escape from certain conversations or confrontation - even ones that are not even close to dangerous or harmful. At work it is easiest to find things to occupy myself with, and this may be why I get so uncomfortable in "social" atmospheres - places where there is no work for me to do, and no activity for me to partake in besides interaction. I've become quite adept at controlling the anxiety aspect, the shaking hands, the inability to hold a gaze, the quivering speech - I am a master of manipulating my emotions and my outward appearance because of it - but the psychological aspects still reign over me in my mental realm, and thus, in my avoidance. A Clockwork Orange brought to light an idea that, for me, applies here - conditioning. I think that maybe these sorts of social disorders aren't necessarily the result of faulty wiring, negatively focused minds, or chemical imbalances...but rather, conditioning. I was beat up emotionally and socially so much from the day I stepped into first grade, until the day I graduated from high school, that it is no wonder I LEARNED behaviors and was CONDITIONED to react to certain situations, to triggers, to even something as simple as conversation...to protect my heart, my ego, my peace of mind...my good nature. I was singled out - maybe it's because I was bright and different, and the world wanted to drag me down...and drag me down it did. But I don't think drugs are the solution. If I can be aware of the problem, there has to be a way out of it. Of course I'm not really sure I can set myself up to perform behavioral conditioning...and change the learned behaviors...and have success...without eliminating all negativity in given scenarios...which seems completely impossible, given that any given time I go out, there's about a 50% chance something bad and/or traumatizing will occur.

I want to keep writing but...I guess it will have to wait for another day. I'm so glad I started to do this again.

Comments

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Those maladaptive schemas really strike a chord with me - it's probably safe to say I have a number of them. The coping responses, too. Hopefully you're right, and I can work them out over time - I know I've been dealing with them since youth. I wouldn't be surprised if I suffered from some kind of bullying syndrome either...I suppose at this moment, I'm trying to avoid thinking about all of that, so I'll just omit for now. Though this brings up a question I had about something you had said somewhere else - about you thinking I may be neurodivergent. I'm curious about that.

I clicked on your link for coconut oil and one of the top google links (beyondmeds) was for sea salt and against coconut oil, oddly enough. I've never really tried either. It's been about three days now, and I can definitely see a huge change in the inflammation - it's been a long time since I've seen the more "natural" pigment on my chin (of course, it's no longer the same color as the rest of my face - it's darker, like a light african american's skin.) As I recall, they call it something like hyperpigmentation (results from severe scarring)...and I've never really found a cure for that. Maybe if I can keep the outbreaks and inflammation down long enough, it will fade...I guess we'll find out! If it doesn't, I'll give your coconut oil a try.

The movie was definitely bizarre...and differs in some pretty significant ways, apparently. For one, he has consensual sex with two women simultaneously in the movie, while in the book he rapes two ten year old girls...and the final chapter in the book, where he realizes his wrongs and becomes "good" is omitted in the movie. It does have an almost cyberpunk flair to it, with all the wild colored hair and dark atmosphere...but the high technology seems to be lacking.

I tried asking my dream crew to let me get the real message, but nothing yet. I had a super futuristic dream last night (force fields that coverted toxic atmosphere to breathable air!) complete with some kind of revolution. It was a really pretty planet, whatever it was.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Probably safe to say most people have a number of them, and particularly those who diverge from the norm. As for your neuro-diversity, sounds to me like you're somewhere on the Aspie-to-Gifted scale, which generally makes one a bully-magnet.

Everybody's body is different in its response to different remedies. For some problems, only pharmaceutical chemicals will work, and people have varying tolerances for them. Hydrocortisone is a temporary solution; mere symptomatic relief that doesn't touch the underlying problem, but symptomatic relief is a Good Thing as long as it doesn't stop there. The advantage of coconut oil is that even if it doesn't help the problem, it's good for you, which hydrocortisone is not.

I've seen the movie a bunch of times - there's no possible way they could have had that scene with the two girls in a Rated R movie, no matter how much was left to the imagination. Almost everything was left to the imagination in that scene in the book, and it was still highly shocking at the time. Consensual sex with two women at a time was bad enough, as little as was actually shown there.

Do you mean the *last* last chapter, where little Alex is outgrowing his evil punk ways at long last? That chapter's omitted in the American editions for some reason.

Ack, my people are here already; gotta fly! Have a good day!

(Fast edit: "(force fields that coverted toxic atmosphere to breathable air!) complete with some kind of revolution" sounds like a pretty good metaphor for what you're trying to do with your life, doesn't it?).

[sathor.livejournal.com]

A quick reply from my phone:
I tested for giftedness in 5th grade (testers believe even that is "too late" and i disagree...had they tested me a couple years later, i would probably be somewhere very different today.) I was one point below the cutoff for special treatment.

College was the first place I was called out for being a genius, and that was by a professor. It happens in the workplace, too, but I feel penalized for it here and elsewhere...same pay, more responsibility and it creates rifts between myself and coworkers...but I digress.

Reading your gifted link, yeah, that's me. I grew up and went to an incredibly small, no-funding school...and fell through the cracks as one professor put it. But the damage was done, anyway.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

One problem with being gifted is 'asynchronous development': one isn't equally gifted in all ways, or at all times, and for every 'super-power' there's likely to be a corresponding glitch. Being regarded as a genius means being expected to be a genius in all the ways, all the time, and getting blamed when one simply can't. Excellence frequently inspires envy, which in turn begets schadenfreude if not actual back-stabbing:

Everybody gets damaged growing up, hon; none of us fulfill the potential we were born with, or achieve what we might have achieved if circumstances had been different. On the other hand, we did grow up - which countless others, of equal or greater potential to ours, never got to do - and the human organism has an astonishing capacity both to heal from damage and to develop compensatory functions.

Being a genius plus $2.50 will get a cup of coffee: if one is smarter than the average bear, it's better if the average bears don't realize it. Better still if one can find some other smarter-than-average bears to hang out with instead, but of course that's easier said than done.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

And yeah, you're right about the dream metaphor - I would've never thought of that :)