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[sathor]

I had my top right wisdom tooth pulled Wednesday. It took him about 10 minutes of work after the novacaine kicked in...and he really didn't seem to think it would put me down. I still called off yesterday and today, mostly because it was still bleeding and where I work is completely unsanitary...our water line froze so there's no running water...and it takes 10 minutes to get anywhere in plant where there is running water. That and per usual, any time I get novacaine shots and have dental work done, I end up with chills and weakness. Just don't feel like I can run my ass off for eight hours, even today...and that's exactly what I've been doing the past few weeks because shutdown is right around the corner and I work in the warehouse so we've got an insane volume of equipment and parts coming in, and a lot of outside contractors coming down who need to be shown stuff. It's non-stop.

Oh yeah, shutdown. The whole plant this time, for two months. I got put on 3rd shift, which will be 10 hours from 9-10pm to 7-8am, for about two months straight. I'm not even sure I'll make it through the whole thing...it's going to be ridiculous and I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm not going to see my friends...I might be able to talk to them for a little bit before work on some days...but that's about it. Just adds on to this whole trend of meaninglessness in my life. I've saved lots of money but really have no use for it...meanwhile this job has basically taken everything that mattered to me away, including aspects of my personality which I'm still trying to cling to.

I've been reading the bible a lot lately, mainly before bed. The New Testament now, because I've never read it before - and I have probably read about half of the Old Testament already, mostly in College for religious studies. I keep finding that I seem to fit the descriptions in Matthew of the people who are damned or cast out - one particular passage last night had to deal with people who have things in abundance and those who do not. Parables, of course - A lord gives three servants a different number of "talents" (assuming Gold talents, but it could also be read as "talents" as in skills, I suppose) the first is given 5, and he makes another 5 with it, and the lord is pleased. The second is given two and makes two more, and the lord is pleased. The third is given one, and he goes before the lord and says something to the effect of, "I was afraid, so I buried it in the earth - what is yours is yours." But the lord basically condemns him for it, saying, "Those who have abundance will receive such things in abundance...those who have nothing will receive nothing." And I started thinking about love, and relationships, sex, money, whatever. Seems to me that I get to be one of the people with nothing, receiving nothing, and having to work ten times as hard to earn even the smallest bit of something. I'm not trying to play a woe is me card here...it's just that when I read that passage, I really felt like the last servant was me - I'm the one who's afraid and can't seem to turn what little he was given into something more meaningful/beautiful. I've been trying hard for a long time to no avail...maybe it's just fate, maybe it's written, just like in that passage.

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

" I keep finding that I seem to fit the descriptions in Matthew of the people who are damned or cast out - one particular passage last night had to deal with people who have things in abundance and those who do not. "

No you don't, and it is not a healthy use of the Bible to cherry-pick bits out of it to support the messed-up confirmation-biases of one's negative self-talk..

"And I started thinking about love, and relationships, sex, money, whatever. Seems to me that I get to be one of the people with nothing, receiving nothing, and having to work ten times as hard to earn even the smallest bit of something."

You actually do have things in abundance. To begin with, you have what Juvenal said was the only thing worth praying for: "a sound mind in a sound body". Apparently you are quite strong, fit and healthy; obviously you are both intelligent and educated. You are also, need I mention, a white American male, and by virtue of that alone, have more privilege than most of the people who've ever walked this Earth. You have family who care about you. You have a job - even if you don't like it, you have one, and apparently it has paid well enough for you to save up a fair-sized nest egg. As for love, if you've had several 2-3 year relationships, you've done better than a lot of guys your age, who are doing well if their relationships last 2-3 months.

"I've been trying hard for a long time to no avail...maybe it's just fate, maybe it's written, just like in that passage."

Oh, piffle. Of course it's not 'written'. But 'trying hard' does not do a person any good if they're not trying smart. How is embracing a fatalistic view of yourself as Born To Fail (despite your many advantages) going to help you improve your life? Seriously, that kind of thinking can only screw you up.

Y'know, the third servant didn't receive 'nothing'. He didn't work harder than anybody else, either; rather, he made no use of what he had received. How would the parable have played out, if instead of burying his one talent in the earth, he'd invested it so well that he had ten to give back to his master?

I just read one of the most useful books I've come across this decade: Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life: A Kick-Butt Approach to a Better Life by Larry Winget. This guy is a specific antidote to 'Woundology', 'stinkin' thinkin' and fatalistic gloom, and he also has a lot of things to say about Spirituality that I think you would really like. Of course, he's got an in-your-face, take-no-prisoners style, so unfortunately I can't recommend him to my 'special magic snowflakes' here - but you are obviously not of that ilk, and I think you are tough-minded enough to cope. I would wager that by the time you finish that book, you will know what to do about your life.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

On the servants receiving talents...yea...I guess in a way that was kind of my point. I think I have received a great deal and I feel very strongly that I have not done what I should have, or need to do, with those gifts. But on the same token I do have a somewhat deterministic outlook, and I feel as though I've acted in accordance with my nature so far. Of course I would love to make a better return on the investment of whatever fate hath given me, I'm doing my best to try and make that the case...and hopefully it will come to pass, some day.

I agree with you, I have so much in abundance, and those are the things that come easily to me - it is not hard for me to save money, because I spend little and feel no attachment to much when it comes to the material realm. But when it comes to love, for instance, I feel as though I have worked so very hard for so very little (you make a good point on the duration of relationships - bearing in mind that the longer they last the deeper the pain - but those are always contrasted by stark periods of severe loneliness - and I have never been an object of affection of the fairer sex, except as a teenager.) In fact, basically every relationship I ever had started online. I don't feel as though I draw their attention in person, nor do I feel as though I can achieve their attention in physical interaction. But those are feelings, not necessarily truths, and I certainly haven't had a large enough sample size to say it with certainty.

You're right about not cherry picking as well; it was mostly a feeling of dread and a recognizing of negative attributes of my being. Much like a black mirror, if you're familiar with that. I'm not satisfied with the fact that I have done so little with what great gifts I have been given...but on the same token, I have to recognize that I'm only human and by any metric I haven't had all that long to figure this all out. One lifetime isn't enough in my mind...I don't know if you feel similarly or not. At times it feels to me that one life is more or less like a droplet in an ocean.

I will check that book out when I get the chance - I'd love to be a special snowflake but I know better. I have my strengths, and my weaknesses.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

*wry grin* Don't feel bad, young Jedi; I have to work all the time at not being a 'special magic snowflake' myself. It would be so easy, y'know? There's a whole world-wide community of special magic snowflakes waiting with open arms to welcome me to their ranks, where I would have endless sympathy and 'support' for my tales of oppression and invalidation, and endless excuses for never actually getting my shit together. With my own folk here, they would like it so much better if I provided more 'New Age sewage' - crystals and candles and power-animals - and a lot less of this difficult self-knowledge and personal responsibility stuff. The only problem is that that easy, comforting, fun and undemanding path leads to a wasted life of not investing one's talents in the world.

I don't think we're very well qualified to say whether or not we've done well with what we've received. I do think we're qualified to know whether we've been sincerely trying to do better, or have been indulging in wangst. I have received great gifts in my life, endured some bad harm, sincerely worked on healing myself and helping others quite a bit, and indulged in quite a bit of wangst, so I have no idea where my 'score' currently stands. Unlike Christians, I don't believe anyone but me is keeping score on me anyway, so the question is entirely moot: The past is gone, the future doesn't exist yet; what am I doing right now? and is it what I think is the best thing to be doing?

From what you say about your relationships, I'm surmising that you settle for less than you really want in a woman because you're so lonely that having any girlfriend seems better than having none. Then your relationships go on long past the time they ought to have ended, because you dread being alone again. This is a recipe for unhappiness. I suggest this one instead:

1. Decide what qualities of character you find admirable, and only date women who have those qualities. Obviously, in order to attract such women, you will have to work diligently on your own character: win/win.

2. Don't keep dating anyone whose character you do not (honestly) find admirable. This will be easier if you don't make premature promises: note that saying "I love you" is an implied promise to continue loving, so don't say it until you're sure you can keep it. Since you are a Christian, not having sex with people you don't love goes without saying.

3. When you've been dating a year, it's time to either get serious or part ways. If you're staying together, the conversation has to move toward marriage at that point. If you've been together two years, pop the question and set the wedding date. Your object is matrimony, not perpetual boyfriendhood, so there's no point staying with someone who isn't going to be your wife.

4. If someone wants to break up with you, let her, with as little drama as possible. Don't ask her to stay; don't ask her to take you back, and don't take her back. It's over when it's over, period, regardless of how much nostalgic regret you may temporarily feel.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

As a quick response, and I'll do more in depth later - you may be pegging me as a Christian a bit too soon. I believe that the divine revealed itself in many ways, to many different peoples, in different time periods, across the entire planet...and very likely the entire reality or universe, because I find it hard to believe that we are the only planet with life (that all being said, I /also/ believe that science really hasn't figured out this whole universe thing yet either, and there are any number of possibilities...until we're out colonizing and exploring, I'm staying out of it.) So I perceive all divine works in "holy" light - I was raised Christian, but I've studied and take to heart a great many belief systems and traditions, including judaism, qabbalah, hermetic magick, various pagan traditions, buddhism and hinduism. That makes me "new age", I guess, but I love divine revelation and I love spirituality, with all of my soul.

The literal definition of Philosophy is the love of wisdom, and that's exactly why I'm a philosopher. As Thoreau said, "There are many who profess philosophy, and few philosophers." Regardless of what I'm doing, where I'm going, or how screwed up my life gets, my love of wisdom sticks with me...and probably, that has a lot to do with my love of theology.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Hmm, okay - but you were talking about your faith, and 'philosophy' is not a faith, any more than are 'art' or 'medicine'. You were talking about the Lord's plan for your life, which indicates that your faith is not Hermetic, Pagan, Buddhist or (most forms of) Hindu. You've been reading the New Testament as a guide to understanding your life, which pretty-well rules out both Judaism and the Qabala. So I wonder if you may be pegging yourself as not a Christian a bit too soon. Do you believe that Jesus Christ is your Saviour, or do you not? And if you don't, what faith and what Lord were you talking about?

Have you ever heard of The Jefferson Bible? Thomas Jefferson went through the New Testament and selected just the teachings of Jesus, leaving out all the supernatural stuff.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

The Old Testament Lord, which is the same as the New - actually, right in Matthew, Jesus explicitly states that you can blaspheme him and deny him but never to deny the Lord. I did find that little passage a bit interesting because of how Christians teach the New Testament, but I'm no professional theologian quite yet, either. The reality is that I would be the first to say that I don't know, but in general, essentially all major world religions boil down to one deity (Yahweh, Brahman) but you already know that. I am always looking for a guide to better understanding my life, and religious revelation is one of few sources for that...am I a bit of a walking oxymoron, probably.

Qabalah, though, was taught by many as Christian, including Dion Fortune - it has more in common with Judaism but there's no explicit ruling against taking the teachings of Christ, either.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Hmm, no, I would not agree that all major world religions boil down to one deity. All the Abrahamic religions do - Judaism, Christianity and Islam, and all their many offshoots are monotheistic, yes. Hinduism does not boil down to monotheism, however; Brahman is not a deity, but rather the all-of-everything-that-is. Buddhism specifically has no deity. Modern Paganism is definitely not monotheistic. The expression 'major world religions' begs the question of why they are major: in the case of the Abrahamic religions, it's because of an unrelenting policy of conquest for the past 2000 years.

It could be fair enough to say that the conquest happened because the conquerors had the True Religion. That's what Genghis Khan supposedly answered when he was told he was going against God's Will: "If it is not God's will that I do these things, how have I done them?" Of course, this leads directly to the conclusion that Might=Right.

Hermetic Qabala is a Renaissance mish-mash of actual Kaballah with a lot of bits and bobs from other traditions, compatible or not. The Golden Dawn, of which Dion Fortune was one, incorporated Hermetic Qabala into their mish-mash of cultural bits and bobs, including Madame Blavatsky's fake-Tibetan theosophy, Celtic Revivalism, and a lot of post-Victorian pseudo-science. I like Dion Fortune's books a lot, but they are scarcely a reliable guide to the history of religious ideas.

The Golden Dawn was trying to unify all spiritual traditions into one Unified Field system. They didn't succeed because the concept of 'spirit' in those traditions is just like phlogiston, and also because they couldn't even agree among themselves, let alone find common ground for the whole world to stand on. What they failed to observe was that the whole world already is standing on common ground: planet Earth.

There was never any real 'Church of the Irrelevation'. It wasn't even a real fictional church - it was just a joke, reported in passing, of some people in The Masters of Solitude; basically the idea being that with so many hungry people to take care of, questions about God, the afterlife, etc. were irrelevant. My actual tradition is Pantheist Wicca, but I could call myself a Transcendental Irrelevationist too: transcendental in the sense of believing that the Higher Reality exists, and is not separate from the reality in which it is irrelevant whether it exists or not.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

Then we probably have a lot in common, because pantheism is about the closest description I have to what I believe...and in the tradition of the Golden Dawn, though I'm not trained or initiated, I am a mish-mash of basically every religion I ever came in contact with. It helps that my official masonic bible (my grandfather was a mason) states that any person who believes in the divine - be it hindu, pagan or christian, or else - can be a freemason. The writer (a mason of the highest degree) also goes on to add that all divine revelation is and was equally relevant. It's a beautiful thing...inclusive instead of exclusive. Your knowledge dwarfs mine, but I'm glad to hear what you have to say.

I still need to get around to actually responding to the rest of your original comment. These discussions are threading out at an astronomical rate, although I won't complain. You've got a great mind on you, it's quite refreshing :)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Hey, thanks! I'm enjoying our conversations here very much, though also running short on time to type.

I think you would enjoy the writings of my Priestess-sister Nema, particularly Wings of Rapture. She was High Priestess of Sacred Grove after me, but her main tradition was always Thelema, so our views of what the Pantheist Wicca tradition comprises are an interesting contrast. But then, it's characteristic of both Wicca and (especially) Pantheism.to acknowledge that everybody's mileage may vary.

My thought about divine revelation is that it's fine to read about the experiences of others, but the whole point is to live in such a way as to experience the Sacred for oneself. No belief in deity or divinity is required for this - actually, I think beliefs tend more to get in the way of it, because it's hard to experience something when one's head is already full of ideas about how it's going to be and what it all means.

One of the first books I would assign to my Initiatory students is How To Think About Weird Things. It saves a whole lot of time if a person has a clear structure for determining which ideas are worth considering, and which are not. After all, anyone can say they've had a 'divine revelation', but does that mean it's true? People say a lot of things that aren't true. People believe a lot of things that aren't true. It's good to keep an open mind, but not so open that one's brains fall out.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

(Too long; continued)

... Note that the 'fairer sex' is just as unfair as men when it comes to judging potential partners by surface characteristics such as grooming, bearing, style and manners, rather than by less-obvious qualities of character. These characteristics can be acquired, and along with them comes a measure of confidence. Neediness is not an attractive characteristic except to vampires and Rescuers, who home right in on it. Relationships cannot fill one's existential loneliness; that's something that each one of us has to cope with on our own.

I agree that one lifetime seems far too short, especially since even with the best possible odds, I'm more than halfway through mine. But what can one say? It's good to live at all, and I have already had a much longer and better turn on this planet than countless multitudes of people ever get, so I need not feel hard-done-by that I'm going to die and be no more. Whatever the Universe is, I will have played my infinitesmal part in it. I hope I will have done more good than harm, loved more than feared, enjoyed more than suffered, praised more than complained, and sang more than whined - not because I think the Universe cares, but because I care. It's my one and only life; my transient mortal body is the only thing that belongs to me, and I will not get to keep it long, so what I do while I've still got it is of crucial importance to me.

There's nothing wrong with being a drop in the ocean. The ocean is made of drops. Nothing wrong with being an ordinary snowflake, either, that looks like every other snowflake until one looks closer, and then it's revealed to be uniquely beautiful, but all of that is lost as soon as it touches down. What ails the 'special magic snowflakes' of the world is insisting on their right to fall forever and never reach the ground because they are so much more unique than any other snowflake.