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[sathor]

I still can't look at pictures of her without sheer panic and dread passing through me. I went off of facebook for a reason, it only figures I guess, that when I finally made another account, I would immediately see her in the list of "people I might know."

I don't know what it is about her specifically. It's none of the other exes. Just her.

Really sick and tired of it.


Two days ago I had a dream about her - she is one of the only exes I still dream about, too. We were in a relationship in the dream, and I popped the whole "lets have a kid" speech. Back when we were together, I didn't want anything to do with it - rightfully so, because I didn't have a good job, had just finished college, and we were both still feeling life out...but I know that it meant a lot to her, and that she wanted to have kids before 27 or so. Well, she's getting awful close and I know she's been through a number of boyfriends since me, and still no kid. Sigh.

I really wish she would talk to me again. I think that's the hardest part, knowing I had someone I was so close to for years...more than just the two we dated...and she'll never speak to me again...and probably, even if we came across each other in public, she'd just avoid.

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Would you ever want to get back together with her, or was she not good for you?

Sad to say, often it's the ones who are really not good for us, who seem to hook our emotions the hardest, so that the thought of them still triggers angst, guilt and regret. But sometimes the regret is because things could have gone so much better. If that's the case here, who knows; maybe she would speak to you again. You can but ask; fortune favors the bold.

[sathor.livejournal.com]

I've tried speaking to her a handful of times since we last saw each other years ago - and that was me bringing her her huge pack of CDs at work (she reamed me out for it...it was a pretty nerve-destroying experience.) She wants nothing to do with it. I haven't even gotten a word out of her since then, honestly. One of her relatives saw me not long ago, and told me she didn't really feel that there was any "bad blood" between us (I think she probably didn't get the real story out of her, ever) but she also mentioned that she felt Colette didn't want to /let/ me love her, which may have also been true...and may still be true. There were a lot of unanswered questions at the end of it all, not the least of which her saying, "You're never going to know the truth about any of this." But that's the way it goes.

Was she good for me? I don't know. What is good, what is bad, both hard to answer questions especially in this respect. I don't really know what my Lord's plan is for me, so I can't really say what is good or bad...I guess I have to have faith that all of this transpired because it was Good.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

It's fine to say that everything in your life is as good as the lessons you learned from it. By that definition, I suppose even dying of cancer or being tortured to death could be considered 'good for you' as preparation for your afterlife with Jesus.

Now, fair warning: I am not a Christian, and I do not believe in any sort of afterlife or supernatural being. I was, however, brought up by Christians - specifically my mother, the best Christian I have ever known - and I know the Bible, especially the New Testament, very well. This stuff about " I don't really know what my Lord's plan is for me, so I can't really say what is good or bad" does NOT come from the Bible; it is in fact in direct contradiction to Christian scripture and teaching.

As a Christian, you are expected to learn to know what is good for you and what is not, and to avoid what is not. There is nothing in the Bible to support the idea that "God's plan for you" comprises drifting along assuming that wherever you're going must be where you're meant to go because God is steering the boat. God is not steering the boat. God is steering the ocean. YOU are steering the boat, with your free will that was given to you so you can choose between good and bad.

It's okay to not know how you feel about a relationship that ended, or about a former lover you still care about. Probably she was good for you in some ways and bad in others, like most people. I still think about my first marriage sometimes - which ended in 1984, and which was mostly a toxic mess, but had some very beautiful aspects. I divorced my first husband because he was bad for me: he drained my energy, made me feel bad about myself, isolated me from other people, interfered with my ability to do anything but try to cope with his never-ending emotional 'issues'. I was not a better person for being with him; I was a miserable, ineffectual person, and I would have only become more miserable and ineffectual the longer I stayed with him.

That is what I meant by "bad for you". Relationships full of turmoil, drama and angst are bad for people. Relationships in which one feels inadequate, unaccepted, always at fault, never secure, used, manipulated, invalidated... those are bad relationships. If there is yelling, screaming, sobbing, sulking, storming out or the Silent Treatment, those are classic 'red flags' of a bad relationship that ought to end ASAP. You say your former lover reamed you out in a "nerve-destroying experience" for having returned her property to her - I'm surmising from that, that she already had a long-established pattern of emotionally abusing you.

Lots of people use their Christianity as excuses to persist in behaviors that are bad for them and/or bad from other people. The lesson to learn from this is that the Christian Bible can be cherry-picked to support any dysfunctional attitude or destructive behavior, and we have 2000 years of examples from history to prove that. Christians like my mother are few; 'Christians' like those on hate-radio are legion: what does this say to the non-Christians of the world, about whether or not Christianity is a good thing? If you say "As long as I 'have faith', it's not my fault if my life is a mess, because that's God's Plan", how can any reasonable person conclude that your 'faith' is good for you?

If you're going to be a Christian, be a real Christian. As much as I reject the whole 'supernatural' model of the Universe as 'not even wrong', I don't have a problem with Christians who live their faith. It's not okay to use your religion as an excuse for not leading an abundant life, or for refusing to make up your mind about what is good (healthy, positive, productive, affirming of abundant life) and what is not. That belies your faith; therefore is accounted sinful by Christian tradition.

"For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God."
1 Peter 2:20-21