What it means to live
Jan. 12th, 2014 10:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorI have been beset by a number of challenges since I graduated high school. A few relationships that couldn't be salvaged and damaged me emotionally. A college degree that aided me not even in the slightest bit, and left me $12,000 in debt. Leftover debt directly to the college I couldn't pay, so I couldn't transfer after graduating. There are many excuses I can make, many people I could drag into this and point fingers at, but it's unnecessary at this point. Suffice to say these things happened, and I've been trying to deal with them, slow going as it has been. I was born working poor, essentially. Dad and Mom managed to cover it up well all those years, or I was simply naive. Mom in particular put the family in a great deal of debt to hide it I imagine. They will be paying it off, in large chunks (as much as a pricey mortgage) monthly, until my father retires from the same shit hole he dragged me into.
I worked at a lumber mill for two years, with a layoff lasting a number of months in the middle of that. It was meant to pay my college off so I could get out of here and finally return to a four-year university (along with promises that were never kept by my parents to help in that regard. I guess in a way they did help, but only with helping transportation costs - i.e. the original investment in a very well used vehicle - to get me to and from work.) It was very low pay. It may have been enough to rent an apartment and pay food and utilities at best. I saved very little working there, and I didn't have much to show for it. Turns out owning a vehicle is nearly as bad as renting an apartment.
In the last five years since I graduated with an A.A. in liberal arts, I've managed to amass a small savings of $50,000. I've been lucky enough that I only needed one more vehicle - another well used one - that cost me very little. I can pay off my college finally, and have access to my transcripts. At the age of twenty-six, does it matter? My paltry savings is not enough to become independently wealthy. Even if I were to suddenly inherit this old farmhouse and barn, it would not be enough to sustain me for long...even if I tried to live without utilities. I'd still have to get fuel for the winters, I'd still have to go to town, and I'd still need transportation. I'd still have to pay property taxes. Thus you see, there is really no escape. "The ground you stand upon is cursed from you, you will toil it for all your days." Except for the privileged few, of course. And they earned that privilege. Or so they say.
I'm currently employed by a soul destroying company, that has what I think may very well be one of the most toxic work environments possible. I have regularly been bullied, harassed and sexually harassed by both management and coworkers. I have been exposed to incredibly hazardous chemicals and not been given proper training, or informed properly, on the hazards, long or short term (nor have my coworkers.) I have been expected to operate equipment which is unsafe, or unsuitable for the conditions, such as diesel fork trucks not rated for operation within process units. I have witnessed numerous OSHA violations, some of which are life endangering. The pay is some of the highest in the region without having an in with management or a high level, specific degree that a number of other people likely have as well. Management is mainly made up of individuals who lack formal education, and who fit in a particular clique. Unfortunately there is, quite literally, little else in this region. I did not grow up in a large city, nor do I imagine I could adjust well to it. I was not exposed to a large city or even road trips until my mid-teens. I didn't even spend more than a few hours in a city until I was 22 - and it was culture shock to the extreme.
So I am beginning to think, maybe the alternative is simply to keep it simple. To try and find a job that isn't soul crushing, but provides me with enough to survive without overworking me. That is if college fails me, and I find it impossible to adjust to a different reality such as metropolitan or suburban. I may carry some debt out with me, but at least I will have furthered my mind and given myself time to redevelop my self esteem and mental fortitude...because as of march 17th, I will have spent three years in a company that has almost completely obliterated any sense of self worth I ever had - and the worst part is, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I have spent far too long in the company of alcoholics, criminals, and under educated whites. It reminds me of something Socrates had said - that he was a midwife - and that he could see what kind of company a person should keep, for that person to reach their potential. I am most certainly not in the correct company, and I have spent almost my entire life surrounded by people who are not my kind. I often wonder if my ancestors, vikings and serfs in northern Europe, would have tolerated for a minute the kind of people I have had to tolerate...or if they simply would have punched their teeth in. Some aspects of law may not have been wise, with regards to the social evolution of the human race.
I have contemplated suicide, although never too seriously. I've seen it as a way out, maybe the only way out, of a world that seems to throw sadistic, mean, selfish and destructive people into my environment at regular intervals. I have become incredibly cynical, bordering on misanthropy. I have been mistreated my entire life by my fellow man. I did not imagine this, I did not make it up in my head. To try and convince me of such would be akin to gas lighting. Just as there are those who experience exceptional degrees of positivity and luck in their lives, we can only assume there must be those who experience exceptional amounts of negativity and ill luck. While I won the geographic lottery by being born in the United States, and many of my problems would be considered those of the "first world" I nonetheless must come to terms with the negativity I have experienced. I nonetheless must try and not hate all of men, even if relative to my life it has not necessarily been a minority of them. When I try and describe varying degrees of my story, even to formerly trusted friends or lovers, I have often been met with the statements, "you are too negative, you are convincing yourself of these things, it's not as bad as you make it sound." I feel as though the whole world is gas lighting at times...and while this is a symptom of some forms of psychosis, I know what I have experienced, and my psychological equilimbrium, or lack thereof, is a direct result of it. You can't feed me a pill and make these experiences disappear. I will live with them the rest of my life. In some circles they might describe it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I started experiencing traumatic events when I was a young child in public school. The most recent of them would have been working as an process operator for my current employer. They all follow me, to varying degrees. The argument is, of course, that an individual that develops such a negative outlook has placed too much value on his or her negative experiences in life, and maybe this is true. But it could be equally true that he did not, and without a means to quantify life events, psychology is in quite a predicament with regards to proving that there is something wrong with a cynical or depressed individual.
*****
In a great many ways, I have had this crossroads forced upon me, although I have been considering it for quite some time. About six months ago, my left knee began to bother me. It has only progressed, and as of today, the medical professionals have no solutions and provide me only with anti-inflammatory medication. I know wearing steel-toe boots, standing and walking on concrete, moving heavy loads and operating equipment has everything to do with it. I know that someone of a much lesser intellect, with much less real potential, can perform every single job classification I have had at this company. I am holding a job which is beneath my capacities, and keeping it out of the hands of someone who could benefit more, and glean more happiness from it. I felt much the same way when I finally left the lumber mill, although I had a very rough, yet interesting time in between then and my new employer. During this period I developed what appears to be some incurable skin disease, which has taken portions of my hair from my head. I wrecked my vehicle, which wasn't worth enough even if it had been covered under comprehensive insurance, to purchase another. I went to Alaska for a summer. I traveled to New York City and saw it with my own eyes, heard it with my own ears. While this time, and even today, is shadowed by my ailments, I can only keep striving towards experiencing, learning and becoming a better version of myself. That better version does not include an abusive work environment...it can not. The ideal vision of my life may be impossible to achieve, but I know that I can at least achieve part of it. It all begins with a two week letter of resignation. I see the horizon before me, the uncertainty of an unknowable future. But there /is/ a future, and that alone is good enough. If I find myself again in an environment like I was in before, I will walk away from it. No matter the consequences. No job is worth such self destruction.
My ancestors, two brothers on a boat from Denmark to the United States, were supposedly so radical that boat after boat refused them passage. They feared mutiny. It seems to me that, if they knew me today, their great great great grandson and nephew, they would be proud that I am standing up for my beliefs...and proud that I too, am going to stand on the event horizon of what can not yet be known.
I find now, more than ever before, I rely on God. I hold hands with Him. I know that no matter what happens, he loves me. There are numerous traps in this world...in this life. We could fall in any of them, and we can't always blame ourselves for falling. But at least, in my faith, I know that God is there to say, "this is all temporary, and some day you will be one with me again." I simply pray that I am forgiven, and that I am kept on the path He has laid down for me, whatever it may be. I pray that he takes mercy on my soul.
I worked at a lumber mill for two years, with a layoff lasting a number of months in the middle of that. It was meant to pay my college off so I could get out of here and finally return to a four-year university (along with promises that were never kept by my parents to help in that regard. I guess in a way they did help, but only with helping transportation costs - i.e. the original investment in a very well used vehicle - to get me to and from work.) It was very low pay. It may have been enough to rent an apartment and pay food and utilities at best. I saved very little working there, and I didn't have much to show for it. Turns out owning a vehicle is nearly as bad as renting an apartment.
In the last five years since I graduated with an A.A. in liberal arts, I've managed to amass a small savings of $50,000. I've been lucky enough that I only needed one more vehicle - another well used one - that cost me very little. I can pay off my college finally, and have access to my transcripts. At the age of twenty-six, does it matter? My paltry savings is not enough to become independently wealthy. Even if I were to suddenly inherit this old farmhouse and barn, it would not be enough to sustain me for long...even if I tried to live without utilities. I'd still have to get fuel for the winters, I'd still have to go to town, and I'd still need transportation. I'd still have to pay property taxes. Thus you see, there is really no escape. "The ground you stand upon is cursed from you, you will toil it for all your days." Except for the privileged few, of course. And they earned that privilege. Or so they say.
I'm currently employed by a soul destroying company, that has what I think may very well be one of the most toxic work environments possible. I have regularly been bullied, harassed and sexually harassed by both management and coworkers. I have been exposed to incredibly hazardous chemicals and not been given proper training, or informed properly, on the hazards, long or short term (nor have my coworkers.) I have been expected to operate equipment which is unsafe, or unsuitable for the conditions, such as diesel fork trucks not rated for operation within process units. I have witnessed numerous OSHA violations, some of which are life endangering. The pay is some of the highest in the region without having an in with management or a high level, specific degree that a number of other people likely have as well. Management is mainly made up of individuals who lack formal education, and who fit in a particular clique. Unfortunately there is, quite literally, little else in this region. I did not grow up in a large city, nor do I imagine I could adjust well to it. I was not exposed to a large city or even road trips until my mid-teens. I didn't even spend more than a few hours in a city until I was 22 - and it was culture shock to the extreme.
So I am beginning to think, maybe the alternative is simply to keep it simple. To try and find a job that isn't soul crushing, but provides me with enough to survive without overworking me. That is if college fails me, and I find it impossible to adjust to a different reality such as metropolitan or suburban. I may carry some debt out with me, but at least I will have furthered my mind and given myself time to redevelop my self esteem and mental fortitude...because as of march 17th, I will have spent three years in a company that has almost completely obliterated any sense of self worth I ever had - and the worst part is, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I have spent far too long in the company of alcoholics, criminals, and under educated whites. It reminds me of something Socrates had said - that he was a midwife - and that he could see what kind of company a person should keep, for that person to reach their potential. I am most certainly not in the correct company, and I have spent almost my entire life surrounded by people who are not my kind. I often wonder if my ancestors, vikings and serfs in northern Europe, would have tolerated for a minute the kind of people I have had to tolerate...or if they simply would have punched their teeth in. Some aspects of law may not have been wise, with regards to the social evolution of the human race.
I have contemplated suicide, although never too seriously. I've seen it as a way out, maybe the only way out, of a world that seems to throw sadistic, mean, selfish and destructive people into my environment at regular intervals. I have become incredibly cynical, bordering on misanthropy. I have been mistreated my entire life by my fellow man. I did not imagine this, I did not make it up in my head. To try and convince me of such would be akin to gas lighting. Just as there are those who experience exceptional degrees of positivity and luck in their lives, we can only assume there must be those who experience exceptional amounts of negativity and ill luck. While I won the geographic lottery by being born in the United States, and many of my problems would be considered those of the "first world" I nonetheless must come to terms with the negativity I have experienced. I nonetheless must try and not hate all of men, even if relative to my life it has not necessarily been a minority of them. When I try and describe varying degrees of my story, even to formerly trusted friends or lovers, I have often been met with the statements, "you are too negative, you are convincing yourself of these things, it's not as bad as you make it sound." I feel as though the whole world is gas lighting at times...and while this is a symptom of some forms of psychosis, I know what I have experienced, and my psychological equilimbrium, or lack thereof, is a direct result of it. You can't feed me a pill and make these experiences disappear. I will live with them the rest of my life. In some circles they might describe it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I started experiencing traumatic events when I was a young child in public school. The most recent of them would have been working as an process operator for my current employer. They all follow me, to varying degrees. The argument is, of course, that an individual that develops such a negative outlook has placed too much value on his or her negative experiences in life, and maybe this is true. But it could be equally true that he did not, and without a means to quantify life events, psychology is in quite a predicament with regards to proving that there is something wrong with a cynical or depressed individual.
*****
In a great many ways, I have had this crossroads forced upon me, although I have been considering it for quite some time. About six months ago, my left knee began to bother me. It has only progressed, and as of today, the medical professionals have no solutions and provide me only with anti-inflammatory medication. I know wearing steel-toe boots, standing and walking on concrete, moving heavy loads and operating equipment has everything to do with it. I know that someone of a much lesser intellect, with much less real potential, can perform every single job classification I have had at this company. I am holding a job which is beneath my capacities, and keeping it out of the hands of someone who could benefit more, and glean more happiness from it. I felt much the same way when I finally left the lumber mill, although I had a very rough, yet interesting time in between then and my new employer. During this period I developed what appears to be some incurable skin disease, which has taken portions of my hair from my head. I wrecked my vehicle, which wasn't worth enough even if it had been covered under comprehensive insurance, to purchase another. I went to Alaska for a summer. I traveled to New York City and saw it with my own eyes, heard it with my own ears. While this time, and even today, is shadowed by my ailments, I can only keep striving towards experiencing, learning and becoming a better version of myself. That better version does not include an abusive work environment...it can not. The ideal vision of my life may be impossible to achieve, but I know that I can at least achieve part of it. It all begins with a two week letter of resignation. I see the horizon before me, the uncertainty of an unknowable future. But there /is/ a future, and that alone is good enough. If I find myself again in an environment like I was in before, I will walk away from it. No matter the consequences. No job is worth such self destruction.
My ancestors, two brothers on a boat from Denmark to the United States, were supposedly so radical that boat after boat refused them passage. They feared mutiny. It seems to me that, if they knew me today, their great great great grandson and nephew, they would be proud that I am standing up for my beliefs...and proud that I too, am going to stand on the event horizon of what can not yet be known.
I find now, more than ever before, I rely on God. I hold hands with Him. I know that no matter what happens, he loves me. There are numerous traps in this world...in this life. We could fall in any of them, and we can't always blame ourselves for falling. But at least, in my faith, I know that God is there to say, "this is all temporary, and some day you will be one with me again." I simply pray that I am forgiven, and that I am kept on the path He has laid down for me, whatever it may be. I pray that he takes mercy on my soul.
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no subject
Date: 2014-01-13 11:43 am (UTC)From what you say, I think you're absolutely right. That company you've been working for sounds ghastly; three years of your young life is way more than enough to spend in such a wretched place.
$50,000 is not a *paltry* savings. I could live for two years on that amount and fully support my daughter in her city apartment, including paying private health insurance for both of us. And yes, it is enough to make you independently wealthy eventually if you invested it soundly, but that wouldn't do you much good in the next decade or two. $50,000 IS enough to move you to wherever you'd like to live, rent you a small but comfortable place, and let you live without working while you get your bearings and decide what to do.
Let me ask you this: if money were not an object - if you'd be paid the same for whatever you did - what work would you want to do? I can tell you're a writer; if you took six months to do nothing but write, could you have your first book ready to submit for publication, and what would it be about? You say "Liberal arts" - what else do you do; draw, paint, act, sing, play music, design web-sites...? Do you like to work with children, animals, plants, boats? Leaving the financial question entirely aside, what do you want to have accomplished by the time you're 40?
A lot of young people do exactly what you've done: spend their early 20's 'paying their dues', working the shite jobs that pay well because nobody would do them otherwise, gathering a nest-egg while they figure out what they're really going to do with their lives. "Become independently wealthy" is not a worthy goal - in fact it's not properly a goal at all. "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" .
"I often wonder if my ancestors, vikings and serfs in northern Europe, would have tolerated for a minute the kind of people I have had to tolerate...or if they simply would have punched their teeth in."
When the Nazis occupied Denmark, everyone had to wear their photo ID on the outside of their coats. My great-grandmother's ID cracks me up, because I look a lot like her, and I know that look on her face: that so-stoic, so-Danish look that says "Yes, fine, have it your way now, and later I will watch the wolves feast on your entrails."
People treat us the way we teach them to treat us. That's why some people have a lot more positivity and good fortune in their lives than others do. I have no doubt that you've been treated very badly in your life, and some of that might have been just bad luck, but most of it is probably just because no one ever taught you to teach people to treat you well. Fortunately, this can be learned. If you're going to change your life, that's the factor that will change it most.
Hang in there; Carpe New Year!
no subject
Date: 2014-01-28 01:48 am (UTC)I agree with your quote, too. Independent wealth can't be a goal all to itself. Although (I believe, and have seen that) it has a tendency to secure an excellent education for your offspring and much better chance at obtaining meaningful employ.
I am something like 1/8th or 1/16th danish, and I've always kinda had "that look" you talk about. Probably has a lot to do with the climate and the kind of hardships those peoples faced. Only the serious survived, I imagine.
People do treat us the way we teach them to treat us, and I think you're accurate in believing that I wasn't taught how to make sure others treated me well. It's unfortunate that I have to succumb to rage after many attempts at getting behavior I don't like to cease, but it's all I've ever really known. I guess for some people, violence, or the threat of violence, is the only language they understand. Either that, or I don't really understand people...and that's just as likely.
When I first read this it was a very heartfelt reminder that not everyone in the world is terrible. Thank you for that. I'm sorry it took so long to reply.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-29 08:49 pm (UTC)As you will have noticed, my Lj is Aspie Nation; most of my friends are neurodivergent. It's not a disorder to feel anxious in the presence of a real threat, and for people with communication problems, other people are a real threat. There are a lot more people with communication glitches around than one might think, all trying their best to 'pass'; most not realizing that it's not 'just them'.
Public speaking is at the top of the list of Most Common Phobias, so you're definitely not alone in that. I had to learn it for a Business Admin course, so I got Dale Carnegie's classic How-To and did what it said. As a result, I was voted Most Dynamic Speaker by the class. You can learn it too. Dale Carnegie's books, and those of Judith Martin, are the best and clearest instruction-manuals I know for 'How To Pass For Human And Get Respect'. Interestingly, George Washington wrote a very useful little guide-book, Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior, which addresses some issues not elsewhere covered, such as posture, gesture and proximity. It's a bit dated, but still good counsel.
Did your professors say why they couldn't follow your writing? Stylistic problems can also be corrected. I would guess that you tend to go for big words, long sentences and long paragraphs; that you try to fit too many ideas into one paragraph and don't 'build a bridge' from one idea to the next, and that you write 'to yourself' - i.e. a hypothetical reader who already knows what you know. That last is more a Theory-of-Mind question than one of style: how is one to know or guess what one's readers know? It's a conundrum not easily solved by any writer; you're not alone in finding it problematic.
Independent wealth securing an excellent education for one's offspring: not so much. You wouldn't believe the willful ignorance of the know-nothing upper class: the expression 'gentleman's C' is all too true, and so is 'going for her Mrs. degree'. Independent wealth can secure excellent credentials for one's offspring, whether or not they get any education: just look at George W. Bush.