Let Down - December 25th, 2013
Dec. 25th, 2013 12:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorThe best way I can explain my feelings today, is that of being let down by the world. Coming to terms with the real world...instead of the ideal world...is perhaps the most daunting undertaking I may ever perform.
I had (and still tolerate remnants of) some sort of "ideal perspective" on this world...the reasons for that, I suspect, must be complex and deeply seated in my youth. I believed, perhaps foolishly, that most men and women were truly "good" and out for the best interests of those around them, even in the face of contrary evidence - particularly when I was young. I was socially outcast, and suffered numerous social "deaths" at the hands of my own core group of "friends." I would go long periods without interacting with some, or even all of them, and not because of some sort of reclusive tendency...but rather because of their actions, and their desires (which they had made painfully clear to me, from time to time.)
Even in romance, I found the same reality - an ebb and flow of emotion, resulting eventually in complete and utter disconnection...the metaphorical death of my closest friend and love of the time period...never to communicate with them again. Such a wound is not easily healed...if it can be.
It may be in my parents, then, that my ideal perspective began and continued to reinforce itself. Perhaps it was also a handful of my teachers who came and went along the way...from academia, academics...chance meetings and even spiritual or theological writings. But what lacked was any sort of indication of the evil of the world. There was always an excuse for any action which harmed...an excuse which avoided the underlying truth - that some people commit some actions that are harmful...and quite possibly harbor malevolent intent.
I had (and still tolerate remnants of) some sort of "ideal perspective" on this world...the reasons for that, I suspect, must be complex and deeply seated in my youth. I believed, perhaps foolishly, that most men and women were truly "good" and out for the best interests of those around them, even in the face of contrary evidence - particularly when I was young. I was socially outcast, and suffered numerous social "deaths" at the hands of my own core group of "friends." I would go long periods without interacting with some, or even all of them, and not because of some sort of reclusive tendency...but rather because of their actions, and their desires (which they had made painfully clear to me, from time to time.)
Even in romance, I found the same reality - an ebb and flow of emotion, resulting eventually in complete and utter disconnection...the metaphorical death of my closest friend and love of the time period...never to communicate with them again. Such a wound is not easily healed...if it can be.
It may be in my parents, then, that my ideal perspective began and continued to reinforce itself. Perhaps it was also a handful of my teachers who came and went along the way...from academia, academics...chance meetings and even spiritual or theological writings. But what lacked was any sort of indication of the evil of the world. There was always an excuse for any action which harmed...an excuse which avoided the underlying truth - that some people commit some actions that are harmful...and quite possibly harbor malevolent intent.
