Profound Ignorance
Jan. 13th, 2013 10:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorOne of the reasons I have not been able to handle face book, especially recently, is the mass amount of ignorance that exists in it. It is amazing to me, to think, that so many people lack the ability to critically reason about anything, whatsoever - and this will of course tie into the rest of my life, in shambles as it is. One of the reasons I don't make friends easily is because I can't stand to be around people who support violence and war, who support political parties, who support government in its current form in general - who watch television and talk about it as if it's a meaningful pastime, or competitive sports. People who focus only on what they are gaining or achieving with no concern for the expense it costs those around them.
I'm not a liberal, not a conservative. I'm an anarchist, anti-government to the extreme. Outside of public services such as roads, hospitals, a system of law and some degree of a social security net, government has no need to exist...and arguably, many of these things would take care of themselves if they were privatized or unionized separate from government. The concept of military, too, is ridiculous. As long as we have nuclear weapons, and as long as we keep a just amount of military might on the home front, we need not ever fear any kind of invasion. Although we will certainly spend billions of dollars to murder foreigners, with no real financial benefit reaped. Such is the military machine - a gigantic waste of material resources that only serves to reduce the standard of living of a nation's people (and for every person that joins, yes, you are stealing from the very people you seek to protect - when you do not protect in the slightest bit.) Patriotism - Nationalism - is precisely the kind of dangerous mentality that our forefathers fought against in the revolutionary war. Easily forgotten, it would seem. They weren't fighting for American independence - or this nation - they were fighting to keep themselves from being ruled. And even then, there were numerous people, some figures estimating very close to half, that were "tories" or pro-British rule.
Those who have not reasoned themselves to this rational point are simply part of the problem, giving their energy and their sovereign right over to entities and power structures that serve essentially only themselves and high-brow financial interests, a fact that becomes more and more apparent as time draws on in the United States. The media itself has gone just in my lifetime alone, from questioning government actions and unbiased reporting to extreme ends of the spectrum. One instance in particular sticks with me - the case of a few members of the Occupy movement being convinced to blow up a bridge by CIA operatives and then sold fake explosives. Such an act would have NEVER been spoken about openly in the 60s, and in fact, there is a large history of undercover operations that were less-than-honorable in intentions which served to undermine certain groups or foreign nations, all of which where "black operations." Even some of our military actions today, would have once been black operations, including drone assassinations. I can only imagine, therefore, what our modern day black ops consist of, what kind of disgusting war crimes that are committed and not spoken of openly, when we have many such instances plastered all over the media openly already.
It is incredibly hard for me to continue my life, knowing that by continuing to exist, and performing valuable work that keeps the modern society functioning, I am only serving to allow the vicious, ignorant masses to continue their apathetic, uneducated ways, all the while living without concern for human life - unless it is their own or those they care about - without concern for the suffering of so many people, in our country and others, often the result of our own actions. My life may be lost, and I may never find real functional happiness or love in this life, but I know that I may not be able to live with myself, if I continue to provide this power structure, and ignorant Americans, the fruits of my labor.
And contrary to popular belief, the fruit of my labor is not the money i receive in compensation...it is what I and my union brothers produce.
I'm not a liberal, not a conservative. I'm an anarchist, anti-government to the extreme. Outside of public services such as roads, hospitals, a system of law and some degree of a social security net, government has no need to exist...and arguably, many of these things would take care of themselves if they were privatized or unionized separate from government. The concept of military, too, is ridiculous. As long as we have nuclear weapons, and as long as we keep a just amount of military might on the home front, we need not ever fear any kind of invasion. Although we will certainly spend billions of dollars to murder foreigners, with no real financial benefit reaped. Such is the military machine - a gigantic waste of material resources that only serves to reduce the standard of living of a nation's people (and for every person that joins, yes, you are stealing from the very people you seek to protect - when you do not protect in the slightest bit.) Patriotism - Nationalism - is precisely the kind of dangerous mentality that our forefathers fought against in the revolutionary war. Easily forgotten, it would seem. They weren't fighting for American independence - or this nation - they were fighting to keep themselves from being ruled. And even then, there were numerous people, some figures estimating very close to half, that were "tories" or pro-British rule.
Those who have not reasoned themselves to this rational point are simply part of the problem, giving their energy and their sovereign right over to entities and power structures that serve essentially only themselves and high-brow financial interests, a fact that becomes more and more apparent as time draws on in the United States. The media itself has gone just in my lifetime alone, from questioning government actions and unbiased reporting to extreme ends of the spectrum. One instance in particular sticks with me - the case of a few members of the Occupy movement being convinced to blow up a bridge by CIA operatives and then sold fake explosives. Such an act would have NEVER been spoken about openly in the 60s, and in fact, there is a large history of undercover operations that were less-than-honorable in intentions which served to undermine certain groups or foreign nations, all of which where "black operations." Even some of our military actions today, would have once been black operations, including drone assassinations. I can only imagine, therefore, what our modern day black ops consist of, what kind of disgusting war crimes that are committed and not spoken of openly, when we have many such instances plastered all over the media openly already.
It is incredibly hard for me to continue my life, knowing that by continuing to exist, and performing valuable work that keeps the modern society functioning, I am only serving to allow the vicious, ignorant masses to continue their apathetic, uneducated ways, all the while living without concern for human life - unless it is their own or those they care about - without concern for the suffering of so many people, in our country and others, often the result of our own actions. My life may be lost, and I may never find real functional happiness or love in this life, but I know that I may not be able to live with myself, if I continue to provide this power structure, and ignorant Americans, the fruits of my labor.
And contrary to popular belief, the fruit of my labor is not the money i receive in compensation...it is what I and my union brothers produce.
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no subject
Date: 2013-01-13 11:16 pm (UTC)1. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rank your ability to hide your frank contempt for the people around you? If you have less than a grand-master-class poker face - or if you say this sort of thing to the sort of folks who tend to stay in small towns throughout their lives - it's no wonder people don't respond well to you. I realize you've been mistreated by others since childhood, but that does not change the fact that you can easily transform a stranger into a standoffish, uninterested acquaintance rather than a friend by obliquely (or directly) criticizing his or her life choices. Most people have simple interests and simple needs, and that has always been the case; the world is not getting worse in that regard. Your choices are to find people who inspire feelings other than condescension in you or to be alone. Both options are totally feasible, so it's up to you.
2. I've met so many people in Toronto who are -just like you-, right down to the inconsistent political views. (You can't be "anti-government to the extreme" and still want some public entity to provide services like roads, hospitals, laws, defense, and a safety net, because that is what a government is.) Bryan and I sometimes visit a clothing-optional, body-acceptance-focused sauna night; it is populated with intellectuals, radicals, political upstarts, subversives, artists, and other miscellaneous weirdos. We also go to marches, demonstrations, art installations, and experimental music nights, all of which are filled with folks who come from way off of the beaten path.
Does your hometown have things like that happening every weekend? No? Then maybe you should recognize that not all cities and towns are the same, and that you might find far more compatible people if you moved to the sort of place they inhabit. You've never lived in a major urban centre, yet you feel convinced that you've met every type of person there is to know. You're wrong. Hell, come to Toronto and you'll find a circle of friends with whom you can criticize every other person on Earth, because that's what a lot of our politically-motivated hipsters are like. ;)
3. You're not ugly. For fuck's sake, -you're not ugly-. I admit that I've never seen a high-resolution photograph of you, but I've seen a dozen LJ profile pictures and a few larger shots from your Facebook, and I think they're enough to let me have an opinion. I've dated men who are significantly less attractive than you, and I like to think I'm not a complete monster as far as looks go. :p
First off, legitimately ugly men can and do find love and companionship. Almost everyone from the gaming group I was a part of in New Brunswick is married now, and that was… not the most physically appealing (or hygienically blessed) group. Looks matter, yes, but people tend to pair off with partners who are roughly as attractive as they are, which means you don't have to look like a model unless your only goal is to date models. (Then you have other problems.)
And once again, you're not ugly! Your self-esteem just sucks. If you have a problem, it is related to attitude, not appearance. And you may not even have a problem - given your location and the traits you consider important in the opposite sex, your dating pool sample size is just way, way too small for you to draw any real conclusions.
4. You're in the perfect position to try something new, because you have a massive nest egg - no one I know who has moved to a city has had such a fantastic resource supporting them! People live in Toronto on wages of $10/hr., and rents here are insane; with your savings, you could spend a year establishing yourself and still have plenty left over. You're also still young enough that if you make a go of it and things don't work out, you can always move back to your town and try again. Your family will still be there a year or two from now. Your depression has convinced you that there's no point in trying to change your situation, but your depression is wrong - it is only protecting itself, keeping you miserable.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-13 11:44 pm (UTC)I used to think I was meant for some kind of professional path, but more and more, that just doesn't seem the case. It's too expensive. I can't possibly agree to spend the kind of money these institutions require for their often false promises. Most of the people I've seen get into their fields, started out with wealthy parents to begin with. These people have more "opportunity" or "choice" and the freedom to play around. I don't have that freedom. My parents didn't even have enough money to help me transfer schools after two years in college...that's why I am where I am today.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-13 11:44 pm (UTC)Yes, I have a nest egg. I discussed this with Sydney. The problem with that money is that it is static...it will not keep growing unless I gain a similar paying job wherever I go. The likelihood of that...I can't even fathom. Most professionals are barely making what I make right now, and I will have a $4/h raise in 1.5 years, and $10/h whenever I win a bid on a trade job. Or I could go back to swing shifts and make $30/h just about any time I want.
But yeah, this is the problem you see. This job is fucking ludicrous in pay, in the kind of standard of living it affords me (in the amount it allows me to /save/ because I don't need much for my "material" happiness.) But simultaneously once I leave it, I'll be back to the world I knew before this...the world where I couldn't save a dime essentially. Not to mention, it will very likely be a world without a decent 401k or retirement plan, and the social security net in the US is going under anyway...and if I were to leave the country, what kind of worse situation can I expect...
I have a lot of very adult fears, Sarah. Fear of what happens when I'm too crippled from old age to do this kind of work anymore, and say, if I did accept a worse standard of living in a city, how I would survive after the age of 60...or would I return here to retire? I'm just scared, alright. I don't know what to do. No one I knew in real life has accomplished these ends - okay, maybe one or two, but it is my understanding that their circumstances were much different than my own. I don't have any guidance. If I moved, I would have absolutely zero connections, and I'd have to pray whatever job I got would let me at least stabilize financially so that my savings stays /with me/ as an emergency fund.
This is /big stuff/ this isn't the kind of thing you just wake up and decide to do. I wouldn't have saved all this money if I wasn't trying...hoping...praying...a different option would present itself. But I'm just so caught up in everything right now, especially with my own situation, and the way i've been treated by women and men alike (especially recently) I'm just...broken right now. I don't know if you understand or see that. There's an incredibly long story I'm sure you don't want to hear...sigh
no subject
Date: 2013-01-14 12:04 am (UTC)No, I don't have a poker face. My most recent photo essentially shows a very deep darkness and troubled person, although it is admittedly one of my best aesthetically pleasing photos I've ever taken. I feel like I'm in high school again lately - everyone at work is constantly saying the same kind of shit, expecting me to smile more, be happy, laugh, whatever...they don't understand me, hey, it's like high school all over again. How can people go through life never experiencing what I have emotionally? I don't understand their /lack of understanding/. It's almost insulting to think that people could go through life never having to deal with this kind of...shit...why the hell am I the one, who got so lucky...
The government is needed /only/ for those things, because yes, absolute Anarchy can be very bad(tm). It's a good idea to have some kind of system to take care of transportation, social security (only when you pay in), hospitals, defense.
It is everything else that they accomplish and do, from supporting, militantly even, "free market capitalism" all over the world, assassinations, foreign destabilization, market manipulation, to allowing the Public Relations Industry to sell representative seats/ideas, to craft the way people think and feel, or rather, what they think and feel about. Or for instance, long-term military strategy...the stealing of public resources (taxation beyond what the above necessities require) for ends that only serve very /select, minority/ interests.
Maybe I'm not "anti-government" to the extreme then, although I certainly would be if a real moral anarchy could exist - but it seems obvious, given the amount of ignorance we are /both/ well aware of in society, this is completely unfeasible. But it's still the ideal.
I'm not ugly? That's amazing because, I simply can't come up with any other explanation as to why I get essentially zero positive feedback from any women I come across, ever. Even my ex girlfriend, for fucks sake, would not initiate any kind of sexual contact, or kisses, or hugs, or cuddling with me. And yes that was a very /scarring experience for me for a year/ and it wasn't until she started getting really weird with me that I recognized the damage it did. Yeah, she has some serious psychological issues but don't we all, I guess. Or at least, I was willing to overlook them, because I...believe...I am a good...person...
Maybe I am in the perfect position. But I might also be in the perfect position to completely fuck my life up, end up back here in a year or three, and then have to go begging for the same job back again (and I'm not really sure they'd take me back - I like to believe I have a good work record, but that job is so much more about how "well-liked" you are, as there isn't a "lot" of "work" to be done at a self-sufficient oil refinery, if you understand what I'm saying.)
But you know, I guess the idea is, how could I fuck my life up, when it's already so bad I'm not sure I even want to really exist anymore. I just don't want my family to think ill of me for doing it...even though they know damn well how I feel about everything...I'm sure they'd support me. They just don't have the money to help me if I ever needed it...and I wouldn't feel right asking, especially after how much money my ex drug-addict, nearly felon sister has managed to consume...sigh
The biggest fear is, Sarah, that I could fuck up everything, and say, when I turn 30 in five years, I come back here, and have to start all over. How would I afford to live on my own, how would I ever afford a down payment on a house...how will I ever find happiness...sigh...I fucking hate at times how complicated everything has gotten for me...and how my future fears almost seem to rule my present actions, to the point of complete self imprisonment.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-19 05:13 pm (UTC)Part of the reason I say that I don't feel many people have the same kind of circumstances as me deals mainly with the fact that very few people in this world end up completely friendless in real life. It's definitely hard for me to deal with but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that people simply don't want to be around me. So be it.
I'm not ignorant of the circumstances outside of here. What I do know is that I don't really feel like eating my savings which has taken two years to build up on a whim of just wanting to get out of here. And I know that will happen given the fact I will not be able to work for the same wage that I do now, with the same kind of retirement opportunities, without some kind of college degree or a great deal of luck - neither of which I have.
I've weighed many of the options and it seems to me moving out and living on my own for awhile while having a stable job is probably the best bet for now. I need to get my head wrapped around taking care of myself 100% before I even think about disconnecting completely from the people that, yes, I do still rely on in some capacities. Because wherever I go, I'm not going to have /anyone at all/ to rely on.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-19 05:17 pm (UTC)Maybe my life is just beginning. But people have been making that statement to me for going on seven or so years now. I have been through all kinds of stages in that time, and I am definitely the best off financial and mentally at this point. But much of the rest of my life has fallen to pieces.