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Apr. 24th, 2011 10:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorI miss being an innocent child.
Deep down, I miss the time when my life experiences were wholly positive...I had essentially no negatives to draw from...and I could only see a bright, golden future. Full of love, and friends, and a blissful existence.
It seems to me that life has weighed me down, year after year. Another weighted chain added to my figure. Another black cloud to consume me and follow me wherever I go. And ever the more difficult to ignore and evade the aches and pains of the past...and not allow them to invade my present day life.
My expectations have suffered...the faith I have in myself and my future has suffered. I realize that I am getting old, and with every day that passes my chances of finding lifelong happiness are reduced. I look to religion for an answer, but it has none - even the buddhist tenets are nearly unacceptable. If I destroy all form of desire and want, then I literally will become what western society deems a lunatic. Why work if you have no desire. Why love if you have no desire. Why socialize, why build friendships when they will only fall apart. Desire is, I suppose, like fire...without it, we would freeze to death in the winter...but if we grow too close to it, it will consume us.
I want to forget all about my past, and the suffering. I want to forget I ever loved. Because I do not believe it is better to have loved and lost. I think it is better to never have loved...to never know what it is like to have that void filled...and then have it ripped away from you.
And while success is the best form of revenge, I have yet to attain it...and why would I suspect I ever would?
While I am intelligent, well-versed on numerous topics...to a degree well-traveled now...artistic...kind...gentle...loving...affectionate...peaceful...with some sense of humor...hard-working...supportive...and willing to sacrifice to make things work...and also a wearer of many hats...the academic...the industrial laborer...the psychedelic explorer...the musician...the philosopher...
I think that women find me boring. I think they find me lacking in so many ways. I truly am all of the above, but I get a strong sensation that I am boring. That, for whatever reason, all of these qualities are meaningless. That in the end, what makes a person interesting is none of those things...but the quantity and quality of his or her friends and social engagements. And in that case, I have few. I have a large, supportive family and extended family...with many engagements year round. And that brings a lot of life and color into my world yearly, certainly - and I think it did with my past girlfriends as well. But those I meet never see that. And when I do go to social engagements with friends, I am the quiet stoic. I add what I can, but ultimately, I am a bore...or alternatively...someone who hardly anyone really grasps to any degree.
I know, I should stop caring about what the rest of the world thinks...and I've taken a lot of steps in that regard. I am much better at accepting who I am than I ever used to be. But I still fear that I am forever doomed to being a boorish loser. Partially because of the ingrained past experiences which make it difficult for me to really have good conversations...and partially because my knowledge and experience is of little interest to the rest of the world.
If I could've been this age in the sixties, I think I would have had a wonderful life. I can't find those open souls today. Alaska was the only place...and even there, they were a dying breed.
Deep down, I miss the time when my life experiences were wholly positive...I had essentially no negatives to draw from...and I could only see a bright, golden future. Full of love, and friends, and a blissful existence.
It seems to me that life has weighed me down, year after year. Another weighted chain added to my figure. Another black cloud to consume me and follow me wherever I go. And ever the more difficult to ignore and evade the aches and pains of the past...and not allow them to invade my present day life.
My expectations have suffered...the faith I have in myself and my future has suffered. I realize that I am getting old, and with every day that passes my chances of finding lifelong happiness are reduced. I look to religion for an answer, but it has none - even the buddhist tenets are nearly unacceptable. If I destroy all form of desire and want, then I literally will become what western society deems a lunatic. Why work if you have no desire. Why love if you have no desire. Why socialize, why build friendships when they will only fall apart. Desire is, I suppose, like fire...without it, we would freeze to death in the winter...but if we grow too close to it, it will consume us.
I want to forget all about my past, and the suffering. I want to forget I ever loved. Because I do not believe it is better to have loved and lost. I think it is better to never have loved...to never know what it is like to have that void filled...and then have it ripped away from you.
And while success is the best form of revenge, I have yet to attain it...and why would I suspect I ever would?
While I am intelligent, well-versed on numerous topics...to a degree well-traveled now...artistic...kind...gentle...loving...affectionate...peaceful...with some sense of humor...hard-working...supportive...and willing to sacrifice to make things work...and also a wearer of many hats...the academic...the industrial laborer...the psychedelic explorer...the musician...the philosopher...
I think that women find me boring. I think they find me lacking in so many ways. I truly am all of the above, but I get a strong sensation that I am boring. That, for whatever reason, all of these qualities are meaningless. That in the end, what makes a person interesting is none of those things...but the quantity and quality of his or her friends and social engagements. And in that case, I have few. I have a large, supportive family and extended family...with many engagements year round. And that brings a lot of life and color into my world yearly, certainly - and I think it did with my past girlfriends as well. But those I meet never see that. And when I do go to social engagements with friends, I am the quiet stoic. I add what I can, but ultimately, I am a bore...or alternatively...someone who hardly anyone really grasps to any degree.
I know, I should stop caring about what the rest of the world thinks...and I've taken a lot of steps in that regard. I am much better at accepting who I am than I ever used to be. But I still fear that I am forever doomed to being a boorish loser. Partially because of the ingrained past experiences which make it difficult for me to really have good conversations...and partially because my knowledge and experience is of little interest to the rest of the world.
If I could've been this age in the sixties, I think I would have had a wonderful life. I can't find those open souls today. Alaska was the only place...and even there, they were a dying breed.
