Shadow of Adolescence
Jan. 1st, 2011 11:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorVery little of the music of my youth do I still have respect for. It's as if I was caught in a trance of some sort or another - I couldn't reach beyond it (partially due to lack of knowledge of what was actually available) but otherwise I can not say.
It does, however, say a lot when you have electronic artists mashing up 25 of this years top-songs, and they all fit together harmonically (even if it is with a little tweaking.)
But really, it's as if the magic is dead. This isn't a good thing necessarily.
Here it is, now twenty-eleven, and I am aged twenty-three years. I miss the idealism and the magic of childhood. I miss the naivete. I can not look back to it - would it not be a step backwards? But is the mindset of an adult better?
I understand the problems of the proletariat, but has this knowledge enhanced my life, made me laugh more, enjoy more?
I understand music to a degree I never thought I would as a teenager...but has this knowledge enhanced my life?
I went to college for two years, which amounted to very little in actual knowledge, but certainly some...has this knowledge enhanced my life?
Has any of it enhanced my life?
I feel as though it hasn't - in truth it likely has in many senses - but also has acted as a destructive, masochistic force in its own right.
For me, I feel as if it is time for me to determine what does enhance my life...
But when I ask the question, I have no certain response.
Travel appears to enhance my life.
So too does independence and self-subsistence.
Music - when it comes together right - does as well.
Reflection is a powerful life-enhancer, if only for the simple fact it allows for reorganization of data that's been looked over time and time again.
None of the above are, in full, material in nature.
What of the material, then? What about sex? (Not really.) What about love, relationships? (Detrimental in my experience.) Money? (Makes it easier to be independent, self-sufficient...gives you more tools for your trade...but is generally not attained by any means except that of mind-numbing activity nobody /wants/ to do...why else would you be /paid/ for the work?)
Maybe a good gauge for whether or not a position is overpaid or underpaid is the general level of happiness people feel when they enter and perform that job. If they are happy with their job, find it fulfilling and interesting, they probably should be paid less than the individual who is unhappy with their job. This is because I think it can safely be said that people who enjoy their work aren't "sacrificing their time" to the same degree as someone who does not enjoy their work. The system is too complicated to expect even a majority of individuals to end up doing what they actually want to do (let alone adjusting for whether or not they can even /know/ what they want to do before they do it) so this seems to be appropriate.
Good friends, good conversations, seem to be the only cure. In truth, yes, a relationship that resulted in good conversations, in laughter and smiles, would indeed be an enhancement. I always had difficulty finding that - and maybe it was a fault of mine - but if that is the case, it was a destiny I could not control.
Like many things in my life...in the lives of many of us, most of us...we control so utterly very little, and yet are quick to pass judgment on those around us...quick to offer advice even though we know practically nothing about how our world functions. I do not mean via studies of physics or thermodynamics, but how our world functions socially...how things happen (or don't) for people...what makes one man or woman attractive and one not...one desirable and one not...one appearing intelligent or not...or useful or not.
It is my opinion that the act of courtship is almost exclusively biological, and that the software in our brain, our very cognition, can be fooled into thinking it has made a logical decision when it has in fact not made any decision at all. Thus when poor Miss Mary fucks Mr. Kline behind her boyfriend's back, her body just did what it wanted to do. There's no need to come up with excuses for it. Ultimately she will justify it one way or another - or may have even beforehand - but this is her cognition trying to explain the fact it's not making rational decisions...it's making irrational decisions ruled by her biology. Even in the case it was a rational decision for her - if her boyfriend was a complete fuckhead who deserved it - her biology would have played a heavy role - if not the only role - in her selecting good ol' Mr. Kline. More importantly, it should be noted that our EGO would try and tell us that we have absolute control, over ourselves, our actions...and in fact, even a great deal of our world. Thus it makes sense that our cognition would want to believe it has made all of these important, life-changing decisions...it has been convinced of divinity, and the only thing that crushes it is the harsh reality that does not exist for all of us on this wonderfully tragic planet. Some of us experience ego-death (artificially or by life experience), and some of us don't. For those who haven't yet - well, maybe you'll have to wait until you're dead to really "grok" it. Or you could always experiment with all of those dangerous drugs the government will lock you in jail for possessing, consuming or selling.
The differences between our experiences, then, can both bring us together, and split us apart at the seams. The latter mostly a result of arrogance and egoism, both of which I liken to committing satanic rites.
It would not surprise me if MORE of our choices in life are controlled by biology - destiny - and in truth, our cognition is simply there to try and fool us into believing we're controlling what's going on.
If my biology, then, is controlling the act of courtship...if "I" have been taken out of the equation for the most part - even in those who might select me, it is a diminishing part of the equation (my biology is more important) then I must say i have little to no interest in ever pursuing anyone of the opposite sex (let alone my own.)
As it stands, my focus for this year is obtaining some sort of certification that will give me something much better than an entry-level wage. Grading school is a possibility. So is college. I'll take the risk and suffer the consequences with the latter if I must. It hardly makes a difference, in the grand scheme of things, if I walk out of college with a bachelor's or a master's degree and eighty-thousand plus in debt. I will die either way, I will likely be alone either way, and my happiness will likely not have grown or reduced. But I will have seen whether or not I am the material that the world of academia wants, and if they find me wanting, so be it. I can tolerate educating myself, in fact, I prefer it.
It does, however, say a lot when you have electronic artists mashing up 25 of this years top-songs, and they all fit together harmonically (even if it is with a little tweaking.)
But really, it's as if the magic is dead. This isn't a good thing necessarily.
Here it is, now twenty-eleven, and I am aged twenty-three years. I miss the idealism and the magic of childhood. I miss the naivete. I can not look back to it - would it not be a step backwards? But is the mindset of an adult better?
I understand the problems of the proletariat, but has this knowledge enhanced my life, made me laugh more, enjoy more?
I understand music to a degree I never thought I would as a teenager...but has this knowledge enhanced my life?
I went to college for two years, which amounted to very little in actual knowledge, but certainly some...has this knowledge enhanced my life?
Has any of it enhanced my life?
I feel as though it hasn't - in truth it likely has in many senses - but also has acted as a destructive, masochistic force in its own right.
For me, I feel as if it is time for me to determine what does enhance my life...
But when I ask the question, I have no certain response.
Travel appears to enhance my life.
So too does independence and self-subsistence.
Music - when it comes together right - does as well.
Reflection is a powerful life-enhancer, if only for the simple fact it allows for reorganization of data that's been looked over time and time again.
None of the above are, in full, material in nature.
What of the material, then? What about sex? (Not really.) What about love, relationships? (Detrimental in my experience.) Money? (Makes it easier to be independent, self-sufficient...gives you more tools for your trade...but is generally not attained by any means except that of mind-numbing activity nobody /wants/ to do...why else would you be /paid/ for the work?)
Maybe a good gauge for whether or not a position is overpaid or underpaid is the general level of happiness people feel when they enter and perform that job. If they are happy with their job, find it fulfilling and interesting, they probably should be paid less than the individual who is unhappy with their job. This is because I think it can safely be said that people who enjoy their work aren't "sacrificing their time" to the same degree as someone who does not enjoy their work. The system is too complicated to expect even a majority of individuals to end up doing what they actually want to do (let alone adjusting for whether or not they can even /know/ what they want to do before they do it) so this seems to be appropriate.
Good friends, good conversations, seem to be the only cure. In truth, yes, a relationship that resulted in good conversations, in laughter and smiles, would indeed be an enhancement. I always had difficulty finding that - and maybe it was a fault of mine - but if that is the case, it was a destiny I could not control.
Like many things in my life...in the lives of many of us, most of us...we control so utterly very little, and yet are quick to pass judgment on those around us...quick to offer advice even though we know practically nothing about how our world functions. I do not mean via studies of physics or thermodynamics, but how our world functions socially...how things happen (or don't) for people...what makes one man or woman attractive and one not...one desirable and one not...one appearing intelligent or not...or useful or not.
It is my opinion that the act of courtship is almost exclusively biological, and that the software in our brain, our very cognition, can be fooled into thinking it has made a logical decision when it has in fact not made any decision at all. Thus when poor Miss Mary fucks Mr. Kline behind her boyfriend's back, her body just did what it wanted to do. There's no need to come up with excuses for it. Ultimately she will justify it one way or another - or may have even beforehand - but this is her cognition trying to explain the fact it's not making rational decisions...it's making irrational decisions ruled by her biology. Even in the case it was a rational decision for her - if her boyfriend was a complete fuckhead who deserved it - her biology would have played a heavy role - if not the only role - in her selecting good ol' Mr. Kline. More importantly, it should be noted that our EGO would try and tell us that we have absolute control, over ourselves, our actions...and in fact, even a great deal of our world. Thus it makes sense that our cognition would want to believe it has made all of these important, life-changing decisions...it has been convinced of divinity, and the only thing that crushes it is the harsh reality that does not exist for all of us on this wonderfully tragic planet. Some of us experience ego-death (artificially or by life experience), and some of us don't. For those who haven't yet - well, maybe you'll have to wait until you're dead to really "grok" it. Or you could always experiment with all of those dangerous drugs the government will lock you in jail for possessing, consuming or selling.
The differences between our experiences, then, can both bring us together, and split us apart at the seams. The latter mostly a result of arrogance and egoism, both of which I liken to committing satanic rites.
It would not surprise me if MORE of our choices in life are controlled by biology - destiny - and in truth, our cognition is simply there to try and fool us into believing we're controlling what's going on.
If my biology, then, is controlling the act of courtship...if "I" have been taken out of the equation for the most part - even in those who might select me, it is a diminishing part of the equation (my biology is more important) then I must say i have little to no interest in ever pursuing anyone of the opposite sex (let alone my own.)
As it stands, my focus for this year is obtaining some sort of certification that will give me something much better than an entry-level wage. Grading school is a possibility. So is college. I'll take the risk and suffer the consequences with the latter if I must. It hardly makes a difference, in the grand scheme of things, if I walk out of college with a bachelor's or a master's degree and eighty-thousand plus in debt. I will die either way, I will likely be alone either way, and my happiness will likely not have grown or reduced. But I will have seen whether or not I am the material that the world of academia wants, and if they find me wanting, so be it. I can tolerate educating myself, in fact, I prefer it.
