What if I told you
Aug. 20th, 2010 06:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorWhat if I told you I've really, quite simply, lost the will.
Love was never enough, you know, in any case. I've endured so much, but I've still got a lot of love for people that won't have anything to do with me - indeed, they've essentially disappeared completely; I am incapable of even contacting them now to tell them how ruined I am from the regret and mistakes that I've made, and that I apparently will always continue to make, because I simply am not built to do it any other way.
I ruined my own life, and my own self. I broke my self. I made mistakes I can't possibly redeem myself for. I committed terrible acts that I have no way of forgiving myself for. Even allowing myself to have sex before I went to Cordova, the biggest mistake of my life - it appears no ill consequence has come of it, but I will never forgive myself for such a horrific thing, and the whole act will be forever viciously branded into my mind.
Susan, while a wonderful person and one of those individuals I really connect with, isn't really compatible with me. I like drugs too much. I like altering my mind too much. I dislike scraping what the elite leaves behind for me to have, and a relationship at my age, in my condition, results in that. I love her so much, I can't possibly allow myself to drag her down with me. And I was dragging all the others down with me too, so I suppose reality just decided it was in their best interest to leave me...the best decision, I am sure...but I won't ever forgive myself for fucking it all up.
I hate the system, the whole system. I hate college, I hate the ladder of social and economic standing, I hate the privileged. I hate how some people, who had the brains maybe like I had at one time, getting lucky but, in the end, claiming that it was they themselves who accomplished all that they have...their egos never cease to amaze me. Their heads are so large, reality can't contain them any longer.
Fuck the system. Fuck every last bit of it. Fuck the conditioning from preschool and beyond. Fuck your fucking social cliques and your goddamn emotional abuse. Fuck everything you ever caused and deserve to never be forgiven for. I don't feel I deserve to be forgiven, and I presume you don't deserve it either. I once figured I was some kind of holy man, on some kind of path to enlightenment, but I recognize now that I'm just as down in it as the rest of this filth around me, it's just that I have become repugnant to my own being, just as everything else is repugnant...when most can not recognize the former.
If there is a God, if there are Gods, if there is anything divine and perfect in this reality, then I can't possibly believe for a moment that any of this is real. That any of this has been allowed to happen. I can't possibly believe the misery in this world, continual, serves any fucking purpose besides allowing a select few to walk through relatively unscathed.
Really, the only time I was happy was when I had no idea what was going on, when I put myself into a place so strange and alien that I could not know what the next moment would bring. Whether I would get back alive.
But this isn't home, and neither was that. It was foolish of me to think coming back here would change a thing.
I had no compass then, and it frustrated me - I have no compass now, and it frustrates me. There is no direction anymore, just this chaotic maelstrom of insignificant shit that I deal with, will be dealing with.
I wanted to be a musician - why bother? I have nothing to offer the future generation, there is nothing worth expressing.
I wanted to be a philosopher - why bother? I have nothing to offer the future generation, there is nothing worth saying, worth comprehending. Humanity should already be united the world over, we should already be using our resources collectively to search the cosmos for other intelligent life - instead we're busy writing code for computers to suck the lives out of more people, fun games, interesting apps - making cell phones smaller and more effective - connecting people together at any given moment, but at the same time disconnecting them from real experiential reality with others.
Human, all too human. Fools, the whole lot of us. Wasting our time, wasting our finite resources for selfish gains. Promoting misery with every bit we take more than we need. Too busy locked up inside of our small worlds to pull back and take a long hard look at everything.
There was a time in my life, that at this point, I would stop and say that I too am guilty, that I have no place to speak this way. But that time has long passed and I no longer feel that I am too guilty. I no longer feel that I have no place to speak. I do have a place to speak. I have a place to speak for the whole human race, and I am /compelled/ to speak out, to leave something behind so that maybe, something of my thoughts survives - even if we as a race do not - for intelligent life to see one day, and recognize what truly brought about our destruction.
It begins so simply. We fight one another over food. We fight one another over resources, over land, over ideology. We fight one another, maybe, just for the sake of fighting itself. Maybe to better the race as a whole, if Darwin were right. The fittest survive of course, but it is obvious that if there were a pacifist race who understood the true meaning of human existence, they were snuffed out long ago by the barbarians who I am surrounded by today. If Darwin is right, this must be true - even I am the result of people who survived, killing and destroying others without a second guess. No wonder it took us so long to develop to where we are today.
And now today, while there are wars fought with far more precise and efficient weapons, the real wars are social, emotional, economic. The real wars have stopped killing, but instead, guaranteed for a majority misery and suffering eternal, from the moment they wake into this world, until they moment they sleep, presumably for eternity.
The real wars are over partners, women and men with perfect figures, financial stability, possessions. The real wars are over who has the most expensive vehicle, who has the most objects, who has the hottest wife or husband, who has the easiest job with the highest pay. Who has the degrees, who has the power, who has the influence, who can provide for who they choose any thing they desire. These are the real wars. And most of us have lost before we were even born.
We don't get to choose our complexion, we don't get to choose our figures beyond a certain degree. We don't get to choose what school we go to, and how well it prepares us for our future, and whether or not it prepares us for higher academics or simply just the working world - which is all most education provides for. We don't get to choose our parents, or how much interaction we get as children, with people, with great many objects...we don't get to choose how many experiences we have, and those experiences are what result in minds capable or incapable. We don't get to choose to be multi-lingual from birth.
We don't get to tell interviewers that we deserve the job, even if we have the "requisites." We don't get to say we don't want to work - unless we're a privileged few. If we do, we'll have to deal with the consequences of the street, and the laws that work in such a place, as opposed to the standard life. We don't get to tell our governments and our employers that we don't believe in our privacy being invaded in any way - that we want to use illicit substances instead of those that are legal, because they are safer. Slowly all of our freedoms are stripped away. We barely have the freedom to climb out of the conditions we were born in anymore.
We sign away, upon graduation from the first set of conditioning, a great portion of our economic futures to the promise of something better - the same old trick they used to get people into this damned country of my origin in the first place. Slavery for awhile, but only a chance for the slavery to be easier than what you would've had otherwise.
BUT WE ARE ALL SLAVES, and I can no longer stand for it.
Love was never enough, you know, in any case. I've endured so much, but I've still got a lot of love for people that won't have anything to do with me - indeed, they've essentially disappeared completely; I am incapable of even contacting them now to tell them how ruined I am from the regret and mistakes that I've made, and that I apparently will always continue to make, because I simply am not built to do it any other way.
I ruined my own life, and my own self. I broke my self. I made mistakes I can't possibly redeem myself for. I committed terrible acts that I have no way of forgiving myself for. Even allowing myself to have sex before I went to Cordova, the biggest mistake of my life - it appears no ill consequence has come of it, but I will never forgive myself for such a horrific thing, and the whole act will be forever viciously branded into my mind.
Susan, while a wonderful person and one of those individuals I really connect with, isn't really compatible with me. I like drugs too much. I like altering my mind too much. I dislike scraping what the elite leaves behind for me to have, and a relationship at my age, in my condition, results in that. I love her so much, I can't possibly allow myself to drag her down with me. And I was dragging all the others down with me too, so I suppose reality just decided it was in their best interest to leave me...the best decision, I am sure...but I won't ever forgive myself for fucking it all up.
I hate the system, the whole system. I hate college, I hate the ladder of social and economic standing, I hate the privileged. I hate how some people, who had the brains maybe like I had at one time, getting lucky but, in the end, claiming that it was they themselves who accomplished all that they have...their egos never cease to amaze me. Their heads are so large, reality can't contain them any longer.
Fuck the system. Fuck every last bit of it. Fuck the conditioning from preschool and beyond. Fuck your fucking social cliques and your goddamn emotional abuse. Fuck everything you ever caused and deserve to never be forgiven for. I don't feel I deserve to be forgiven, and I presume you don't deserve it either. I once figured I was some kind of holy man, on some kind of path to enlightenment, but I recognize now that I'm just as down in it as the rest of this filth around me, it's just that I have become repugnant to my own being, just as everything else is repugnant...when most can not recognize the former.
If there is a God, if there are Gods, if there is anything divine and perfect in this reality, then I can't possibly believe for a moment that any of this is real. That any of this has been allowed to happen. I can't possibly believe the misery in this world, continual, serves any fucking purpose besides allowing a select few to walk through relatively unscathed.
Really, the only time I was happy was when I had no idea what was going on, when I put myself into a place so strange and alien that I could not know what the next moment would bring. Whether I would get back alive.
But this isn't home, and neither was that. It was foolish of me to think coming back here would change a thing.
I had no compass then, and it frustrated me - I have no compass now, and it frustrates me. There is no direction anymore, just this chaotic maelstrom of insignificant shit that I deal with, will be dealing with.
I wanted to be a musician - why bother? I have nothing to offer the future generation, there is nothing worth expressing.
I wanted to be a philosopher - why bother? I have nothing to offer the future generation, there is nothing worth saying, worth comprehending. Humanity should already be united the world over, we should already be using our resources collectively to search the cosmos for other intelligent life - instead we're busy writing code for computers to suck the lives out of more people, fun games, interesting apps - making cell phones smaller and more effective - connecting people together at any given moment, but at the same time disconnecting them from real experiential reality with others.
Human, all too human. Fools, the whole lot of us. Wasting our time, wasting our finite resources for selfish gains. Promoting misery with every bit we take more than we need. Too busy locked up inside of our small worlds to pull back and take a long hard look at everything.
There was a time in my life, that at this point, I would stop and say that I too am guilty, that I have no place to speak this way. But that time has long passed and I no longer feel that I am too guilty. I no longer feel that I have no place to speak. I do have a place to speak. I have a place to speak for the whole human race, and I am /compelled/ to speak out, to leave something behind so that maybe, something of my thoughts survives - even if we as a race do not - for intelligent life to see one day, and recognize what truly brought about our destruction.
It begins so simply. We fight one another over food. We fight one another over resources, over land, over ideology. We fight one another, maybe, just for the sake of fighting itself. Maybe to better the race as a whole, if Darwin were right. The fittest survive of course, but it is obvious that if there were a pacifist race who understood the true meaning of human existence, they were snuffed out long ago by the barbarians who I am surrounded by today. If Darwin is right, this must be true - even I am the result of people who survived, killing and destroying others without a second guess. No wonder it took us so long to develop to where we are today.
And now today, while there are wars fought with far more precise and efficient weapons, the real wars are social, emotional, economic. The real wars have stopped killing, but instead, guaranteed for a majority misery and suffering eternal, from the moment they wake into this world, until they moment they sleep, presumably for eternity.
The real wars are over partners, women and men with perfect figures, financial stability, possessions. The real wars are over who has the most expensive vehicle, who has the most objects, who has the hottest wife or husband, who has the easiest job with the highest pay. Who has the degrees, who has the power, who has the influence, who can provide for who they choose any thing they desire. These are the real wars. And most of us have lost before we were even born.
We don't get to choose our complexion, we don't get to choose our figures beyond a certain degree. We don't get to choose what school we go to, and how well it prepares us for our future, and whether or not it prepares us for higher academics or simply just the working world - which is all most education provides for. We don't get to choose our parents, or how much interaction we get as children, with people, with great many objects...we don't get to choose how many experiences we have, and those experiences are what result in minds capable or incapable. We don't get to choose to be multi-lingual from birth.
We don't get to tell interviewers that we deserve the job, even if we have the "requisites." We don't get to say we don't want to work - unless we're a privileged few. If we do, we'll have to deal with the consequences of the street, and the laws that work in such a place, as opposed to the standard life. We don't get to tell our governments and our employers that we don't believe in our privacy being invaded in any way - that we want to use illicit substances instead of those that are legal, because they are safer. Slowly all of our freedoms are stripped away. We barely have the freedom to climb out of the conditions we were born in anymore.
We sign away, upon graduation from the first set of conditioning, a great portion of our economic futures to the promise of something better - the same old trick they used to get people into this damned country of my origin in the first place. Slavery for awhile, but only a chance for the slavery to be easier than what you would've had otherwise.
BUT WE ARE ALL SLAVES, and I can no longer stand for it.
