Freaking out just a -little- bit...
May. 13th, 2010 05:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorI'm not jumping ship by any means...I have to go through with this or I know I'll never get out of here alive.
So in that sense it's worth the risk. I know it's risky business, fishing up in Alaska or flying on three planes to get there. But I think I -have- to do it.
I know Cordova isn't much better than Tidioute (quite a number more people even in the off season... about 7 times the size during summer) but the money I make there might give me the opportunity to end up somewhere better than either place. And if it takes another year of it after this one, so be it...if I like it up there, it might even become a normal yearly thing. After all who is going to complain about $10,000 in four months when your only similar opportunity is about $4-5k in the same amount of time?
There's just been so many changes in my life so quickly that my head is still spinning. I kinda miss the laid back lifestyle. I've been missing emotional security for a long time but I suppose I've gotten used to that...and I'm not sure when that's going to change. Obviously though I don't think it will until I'm making some serious cash...it seems to me that that is ultimately the key to landing someone decent...unfortunately.
Wrecking my car was really the first major change...
Meeting Minou...
Then came reconnecting with a lot of people, trips to Pittsburgh...
A social life that seemingly doesn't stop, which is absolutely new to me...
A trip to NYC and a ticket out of here with no charge to me by someone who I have a great deal of respect for and who seems to comprehend me in a way that most people can't.
But I'm not sure I can really say I'm happy. I am sometimes, sometimes I am perfectly satisfied with everything...but I think, in a way, this trip is rocking that ship pretty hardcore. I was finally becoming comfortable with where I was, and where I was going...and now all that is changing in a very short period of time. Now I'm not so sure about anything. I'm not even sure I want a relationship or anything like it anymore...I'm not sure I want sex in any way shape or form. I'm not sure I want kids when I realize how much fucking suffering exists because of how stupid people are to think doubling, or tripling, or quadrupling their strain on the planet is a good idea...and do I want my kids to be like me, they certainly will be...to go through what I have? Do I want them to have to compete with these masses of children all of whom grow up feeling entitled because their parents make them believe they are special? Compete in this fucking retarded capitalist system of nepotism? Have to make expensive choices about higher education when ultimately the higher education isn't training you all that much in most cases...just giving you a fucking golden ticket that may or may not work?
Even music is questionable...I'm going to be 23 this year. There's been a number of artists that got a late start professionally, late 20s early 30s to be exact, but every year that passes without a major breakthrough I get more worried. I continue to improve from a technical and aesthetic standpoint but that doesn't mean my art is any more valuable to people.
I'm not certain my writing will ever be great enough for the people either.
In a way, I feel valueless to society. And it is true, I indeed am...I have not worked for nearing a year now. Has my art, my personality, my conversations, my interactions made up for this? Should I even feel guilty for not wanting to work in certain ways to support myself, to take from the collective with a desire to carve out a selfish existence like everyone else? Is it any less selfish of me to reduce my footprint and what I require to survive as I have been?
When will my mind and heart finally be at rest? When will I be able to rest? When will I be able to sit back and enjoy this wondrous reality without all of these pressures, and stresses, both internal and external? When will I find stability, security and independence? I do not want to search for it my entire life, only to die without having felt it.
All I want to do is lay down with a lover forever.
So in that sense it's worth the risk. I know it's risky business, fishing up in Alaska or flying on three planes to get there. But I think I -have- to do it.
I know Cordova isn't much better than Tidioute (quite a number more people even in the off season... about 7 times the size during summer) but the money I make there might give me the opportunity to end up somewhere better than either place. And if it takes another year of it after this one, so be it...if I like it up there, it might even become a normal yearly thing. After all who is going to complain about $10,000 in four months when your only similar opportunity is about $4-5k in the same amount of time?
There's just been so many changes in my life so quickly that my head is still spinning. I kinda miss the laid back lifestyle. I've been missing emotional security for a long time but I suppose I've gotten used to that...and I'm not sure when that's going to change. Obviously though I don't think it will until I'm making some serious cash...it seems to me that that is ultimately the key to landing someone decent...unfortunately.
Wrecking my car was really the first major change...
Meeting Minou...
Then came reconnecting with a lot of people, trips to Pittsburgh...
A social life that seemingly doesn't stop, which is absolutely new to me...
A trip to NYC and a ticket out of here with no charge to me by someone who I have a great deal of respect for and who seems to comprehend me in a way that most people can't.
But I'm not sure I can really say I'm happy. I am sometimes, sometimes I am perfectly satisfied with everything...but I think, in a way, this trip is rocking that ship pretty hardcore. I was finally becoming comfortable with where I was, and where I was going...and now all that is changing in a very short period of time. Now I'm not so sure about anything. I'm not even sure I want a relationship or anything like it anymore...I'm not sure I want sex in any way shape or form. I'm not sure I want kids when I realize how much fucking suffering exists because of how stupid people are to think doubling, or tripling, or quadrupling their strain on the planet is a good idea...and do I want my kids to be like me, they certainly will be...to go through what I have? Do I want them to have to compete with these masses of children all of whom grow up feeling entitled because their parents make them believe they are special? Compete in this fucking retarded capitalist system of nepotism? Have to make expensive choices about higher education when ultimately the higher education isn't training you all that much in most cases...just giving you a fucking golden ticket that may or may not work?
Even music is questionable...I'm going to be 23 this year. There's been a number of artists that got a late start professionally, late 20s early 30s to be exact, but every year that passes without a major breakthrough I get more worried. I continue to improve from a technical and aesthetic standpoint but that doesn't mean my art is any more valuable to people.
I'm not certain my writing will ever be great enough for the people either.
In a way, I feel valueless to society. And it is true, I indeed am...I have not worked for nearing a year now. Has my art, my personality, my conversations, my interactions made up for this? Should I even feel guilty for not wanting to work in certain ways to support myself, to take from the collective with a desire to carve out a selfish existence like everyone else? Is it any less selfish of me to reduce my footprint and what I require to survive as I have been?
When will my mind and heart finally be at rest? When will I be able to rest? When will I be able to sit back and enjoy this wondrous reality without all of these pressures, and stresses, both internal and external? When will I find stability, security and independence? I do not want to search for it my entire life, only to die without having felt it.
All I want to do is lay down with a lover forever.
