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sathorI really did have a great night last night, but I'm feeling a really strong bout of insecurity coming on and I'm not sure there's much I can do about it. My cousin was absolutely awesome conducting a small orchestra. He has a gig with the Pittsburgh Opera and then another in Boston. I'm not sure if he's playing or conducting. But it's definitely a huge step from what he did at the Presbyterian Church in Warren. It was a great classical performance nonetheless, and he really knows how to conduct. No doubt about it. He has the look and he's going to do it professionally eventually. At the end of the show I was waiting in the back his parents (my aunt and uncle) came over and we had a little chat, mainly about Matt and what his plans are, but also the question of course came up, "are you working yet?" and I told the truth. The longer I go without a job the more insecure I feel about my situation but it's absolutely out of my control at this point...even if it wasn't I'm not sure I'd be working. I'm sick and tired of being utilized far under my capability, I'm sick and tired of getting so little respect for the person I am, how much work and effort I've put into myself learning so many things over the years, and that absolutely means nothing to the typical work world, even though it translates into essentially a fact that I am autodidactic and could get a grasp on just about anything a job around here would want me to do. Anyway, after I talked with them for a bit, I had waited about 10 minutes for Matt to get done talking to people down where the orchestra was setup, and his mother kinda forced me to go down and talk to him. I was intentionally waiting because I wanted to talk to him in a position where he wasn't around other people, and she prevented that. I assume she thought I was nervous about going down there - I was more nervous because she kinda told me to follow her down. I just wanted to spend more than a minute or two saying hi, but that's all I got. He comes to all of the family get togethers and we never really had a chance to sit down a talk. One thing I noticed is the amount of eye contact he makes when he talks - you know "management" material, just like his father. His whole family is pretty successful. He is a very smart person, I know that for other reasons, but I simply can't stand high levels of eye contact. It fogs my head up for whatever reason - maybe because I'm reading too much body language and it just short circuits everything. And in general, I actually -dislike- people who make a great deal of eye contact. I never suspected I would find something I disliked about him, but if he's always like that, well fuck, it's gonna be hard getting along even if we agree on just about everything otherwise.
But that's not really where the insecurity is stemming from. I went to Justin's again after the performance and brought a bottle of Ice 101 - everyone got really hammered. There were quite a few people. Jesse and Mikey were both there, obviously my cousin, as well as a few new people (Megan, Zach, Kristin, Dan) Jacob was there too and a couple of his buddies so it was really a nice get together. So many we were kinda split in half in fact, I spent half of the night with one group and the other with the other.
I'm just worried about my self and what is going to happen to me. Life hasn't exactly gone uphill, I would totally call these people friends after tonight but most of them live a good distance away from here (up for the weekend) and it's not like we exchanged numbers - I've never been good at that sort of thing. People were being supportive of me and very nice and accommodating my personality but I'm still not certain I really mesh, most of the time I get the feeling people are just putting up with me.
When I first walked in I pulled my Ice 101 out and took three shots while introducing myself and being introduced to Dan/Kristin who are dating and go to California University of PA. Kristin said something about Dan doing something with music, so I got into a conversation with him about producing/writing albums/software/hardware etc. He does not make electronic music, although he uses an electronic drumkit - he plays guitar. I asked him if he'd let me listen to some of his stuff but he was very apprehensive about it and it never happened (he apparently released a seven song album online at some point, I am assuming he's not happy with it.) He seemed kinda discontent from the moment I showed up, I felt sort of bewildered myself, he wasn't too talkative with most of the people there. His girlfriend talked to me more than he did, which also bothered me because that makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable (not to mention, you know, I'm completely unattractive and undesirable so I just wonder if she was being nice.) She was feeding my ego from the moment I started talking about being a self taught pianist and composer, I said, "Oh, well, I'm self taught, that's no big deal..." and then she said, "How can you say teaching yourself something like that is no big deal?" And then I go off on a tangent about how to a professional my technique will never be right, yadda yadda, my left hand will probably always be weaker than my right, yadda yadda. Anyway after they go into the living room and I sit down at the main table to play some card drinking games, I start talking to megan and her brother (everyone who hadn't met me yet seemed really fucking interested? But I just felt like they were accomodating me and trying to make me feel like I'm not a freak, you know...) and basically what happens is because apparently I think and talk about stuff that NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD DOES everyone is just amazed and they think getting into a conversation on "things they always think about but never talk about" is just great...but really I just feel like I'm called out on being a freak because really I seem to end up a fucking center of attention. I was in a very dominant outgoing mood and I tried to connect with everyone and I felt like I did that, but it didn't make me feel any less weird, strange, esoteric.
They start asking me you know, what I do, what are my plans, and I start talking about how it seems like there's nothing out there that really challenges me, I feel useless because I can never be happy doing something or working a job that isn't challenging, that doesn't utilize me to my full potential, and more than one person immediately goes, "You should be an engineer man, you need to be doing something where you're thinking about things and designing things all the time" but that too just made me feel less a part of the group, even though I know everyone was having a good time, I just feel like I'm never going to fit in and seriously, no girl is ever going to want to be intimate with me because I am so abso-fucking-lutely different.
So after all of that, a great night, where I really think everyone had a blast, I'm left with this hollow feeling like I'm doomed to forever be alone and without real intimate contact with someone, because I am so fucking different and everyone automatically realizes that within moments of meeting me, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I feel like people are just sort of posturing and not really getting to know me or trying to connect with me, I feel like I'm completely fucking alone and that is never going to change. Even with the people I have things in common with, it's like I'm always going to be set aside as a kind of "other."
Sometimes it just seems like I'd be better off dead, than to continue to suffer through this for decades more and eventually turn into an old man who no one can associate with.
I had the feeling Kristin and Megan both liked me, I don't know if they were attracted, Jesse is sorta going after Megan, and Kristin was taken obviously, but even if they did, even if they were single and at that party by themselves, I wouldn't have been able to do anything to initiate anything, because I'm not that type of guy. I'm not assertive with women because I don't want them to think i'm a fucking creep.
Hate this.
But that's not really where the insecurity is stemming from. I went to Justin's again after the performance and brought a bottle of Ice 101 - everyone got really hammered. There were quite a few people. Jesse and Mikey were both there, obviously my cousin, as well as a few new people (Megan, Zach, Kristin, Dan) Jacob was there too and a couple of his buddies so it was really a nice get together. So many we were kinda split in half in fact, I spent half of the night with one group and the other with the other.
I'm just worried about my self and what is going to happen to me. Life hasn't exactly gone uphill, I would totally call these people friends after tonight but most of them live a good distance away from here (up for the weekend) and it's not like we exchanged numbers - I've never been good at that sort of thing. People were being supportive of me and very nice and accommodating my personality but I'm still not certain I really mesh, most of the time I get the feeling people are just putting up with me.
When I first walked in I pulled my Ice 101 out and took three shots while introducing myself and being introduced to Dan/Kristin who are dating and go to California University of PA. Kristin said something about Dan doing something with music, so I got into a conversation with him about producing/writing albums/software/hardware etc. He does not make electronic music, although he uses an electronic drumkit - he plays guitar. I asked him if he'd let me listen to some of his stuff but he was very apprehensive about it and it never happened (he apparently released a seven song album online at some point, I am assuming he's not happy with it.) He seemed kinda discontent from the moment I showed up, I felt sort of bewildered myself, he wasn't too talkative with most of the people there. His girlfriend talked to me more than he did, which also bothered me because that makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable (not to mention, you know, I'm completely unattractive and undesirable so I just wonder if she was being nice.) She was feeding my ego from the moment I started talking about being a self taught pianist and composer, I said, "Oh, well, I'm self taught, that's no big deal..." and then she said, "How can you say teaching yourself something like that is no big deal?" And then I go off on a tangent about how to a professional my technique will never be right, yadda yadda, my left hand will probably always be weaker than my right, yadda yadda. Anyway after they go into the living room and I sit down at the main table to play some card drinking games, I start talking to megan and her brother (everyone who hadn't met me yet seemed really fucking interested? But I just felt like they were accomodating me and trying to make me feel like I'm not a freak, you know...) and basically what happens is because apparently I think and talk about stuff that NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD DOES everyone is just amazed and they think getting into a conversation on "things they always think about but never talk about" is just great...but really I just feel like I'm called out on being a freak because really I seem to end up a fucking center of attention. I was in a very dominant outgoing mood and I tried to connect with everyone and I felt like I did that, but it didn't make me feel any less weird, strange, esoteric.
They start asking me you know, what I do, what are my plans, and I start talking about how it seems like there's nothing out there that really challenges me, I feel useless because I can never be happy doing something or working a job that isn't challenging, that doesn't utilize me to my full potential, and more than one person immediately goes, "You should be an engineer man, you need to be doing something where you're thinking about things and designing things all the time" but that too just made me feel less a part of the group, even though I know everyone was having a good time, I just feel like I'm never going to fit in and seriously, no girl is ever going to want to be intimate with me because I am so abso-fucking-lutely different.
So after all of that, a great night, where I really think everyone had a blast, I'm left with this hollow feeling like I'm doomed to forever be alone and without real intimate contact with someone, because I am so fucking different and everyone automatically realizes that within moments of meeting me, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I feel like people are just sort of posturing and not really getting to know me or trying to connect with me, I feel like I'm completely fucking alone and that is never going to change. Even with the people I have things in common with, it's like I'm always going to be set aside as a kind of "other."
Sometimes it just seems like I'd be better off dead, than to continue to suffer through this for decades more and eventually turn into an old man who no one can associate with.
I had the feeling Kristin and Megan both liked me, I don't know if they were attracted, Jesse is sorta going after Megan, and Kristin was taken obviously, but even if they did, even if they were single and at that party by themselves, I wouldn't have been able to do anything to initiate anything, because I'm not that type of guy. I'm not assertive with women because I don't want them to think i'm a fucking creep.
Hate this.
