More meditations on the past.
Dec. 30th, 2009 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sathorSo, having lost three years of journals, I think I need to post about what went on then. I do remember a good deal of it, surprisingly...far more than my pre-secondary school years.
In 2005, I was finished with High School relatively early. I was still dating Val. Things looked good, I think, for the most part. I was seventeen until I turned eighteen in August.
I remember we spent a lot of time fucking, doing drugs, and partying. One thing I noticed about my journal is that it was pretty indicative of my drug use (not in it being "strange" or whatever) but that I actually talked about it in my journal. Of course, hardly anyone was supportive of doing anything occasionally, other than Phyrra.
Which brings up two things. The sex, and the drugs.
I had a lot of fucking sex. I mean, ridiculous amounts of it. Maybe this is -normal- but to be honest, I don't really know -anyone else -personally-- who did it as much as I did. Even when I got with Cookie it was the same general story...multiple times a day. But with Val, we had a record. Seven times in seven hours. It wasn't bad. She never beat it...neither did I.
But the sex was wonderful. Christ. At least with Val, it was. Eventually with her the lust kinda dwindled, but it was always stronger than what I ended up with in the relationship with Cookie. In the second relationship, eventually it felt more and more like abuse. Especially because of the negative reinforcement that happened any time I wasn't in the mood. When we got back together for a short time after breaking up, the lust was rekindled completely...those were the strongest feelings I probably ever had...maybe she knew that would be the case. All the better to rip my heart out after.
The drugs...well, marijuana. I never really got myself into anything else. Luckily, my post about mushrooms still exists...although I'd probably have to search very hard for the text file containing what I wrote while on them. It was a message to my self, because I knew I'd never figure it out without having heard it from the self that is in the spirit realm. I remember the first time I went back and read some of my old journals, I wished I could go back and help my self out...go back and let who I was then know that everything will end up okay, and that there was really no need to think that I was so undesirable that I would be forever doomed to singledom. Actually, I should be reminding myself of that nowadays as well, but I think it's harder when it's the present.
There was always a conflict in me with regards to the marijuana use. I desired it, but at the same time, I desired to not have it. I wanted to be able to do it freely - but at the same time, I didn't. I didn't actually use it that often though, compared to just about any of the people I know who smoke it. Very rarely did I have stages where I used continuously, day in day out...and that is something my ex Val ended up doing after me, and as far as I know, continues to do to this day.
Anyway: the real kicker.
The real kicker is that the number of people reading my journal regularly and commenting completely went through the basement floor once I got into a relationship. Around the time I hooked up with Val, looking back, I had all -kinds- of interest in me...and that's just the general feeling from the multitudes of comments I received, and the numerous -women- who stumbled on my journal and kept reading, commenting, etc.
But where the hell did I ever get the idea that I wasn't desirable, or that I wasn't something worth anything? How could I take four years where I -was- highly desirable, so much so that apparently Cookie stuck with the relationship long after she wanted out, and just throw it away...and decide to contradict everything it taught me about myself?
There are men who are virgins older than myself - even ones that haven't had kisses, or have never been in a relationship. It's a terrible fucking thing, -but I'm not one of those.- I'm a guy who seemed to draw a lot of interest everywhere he went, as long as people -got to know him.-
And that's really the thing. I haven't let people get to know me for a long time...and the reason? Because while in relationships, I close myself off. And I have yet to repair that damage to my mindset.
Very interesting, indeed.
I think twenty ten is going to be a very fucking interesting year.
But back to what happened, eh? Jesus.
At the end of 2005, I enrolled at JCC. I was trying to get into some four-years, but I waited too long - see, the partying and fucking and drugs kinda got in the way, or if you will, the relationship. I wanted to stay close to my love.
I don't remember much about what classes I took when. As for the whole experience, I remember Ellen and John the most, as well as Abby - whom I should really email and wish a happy new year, and see if she wants to talk now (I tried talking a few months ago but she was very busy, and I imagine my last email got buried.) We chatted a bit here and there...she's a big fan of Noam Chomsky, and even though she was my professor, I feel like I'm on her level enough to be a friend.
Val left me after my first year was complete, during the summer. One month after I landed my first full time job...coincidence?
As I noted in the decade post, that summer after my first semester I met a girl, and reacquainted myself with Cookie. I also quit my job right after Val left me, after little over a month of work or so. So this would be the year 2006.
Things were great for that year, and the following. Things didn't start going downhill until 2008, right after I graduated (5 semesters.) The relationship was filled mostly with me getting to know her very well...us spending lots of time alone together...and me getting to know her grandparents. But at first, she was living at her mothers...and that was just a bad situation all around.
Somehow I feel like me graduating and not finding a job immediately had something to do with it all. I think maybe she expected a lot more out of a college grad, even if it was only an Associates degree. This area just isn't meant for guys like me, though. Hence the tow truck guy with an A.A.
Maybe it wasn't really the event horizon of a black hole after all. I just wish I would've taken notice of the positive side of it all, instead of focusing on the negative for so long.
In 2005, I was finished with High School relatively early. I was still dating Val. Things looked good, I think, for the most part. I was seventeen until I turned eighteen in August.
I remember we spent a lot of time fucking, doing drugs, and partying. One thing I noticed about my journal is that it was pretty indicative of my drug use (not in it being "strange" or whatever) but that I actually talked about it in my journal. Of course, hardly anyone was supportive of doing anything occasionally, other than Phyrra.
Which brings up two things. The sex, and the drugs.
I had a lot of fucking sex. I mean, ridiculous amounts of it. Maybe this is -normal- but to be honest, I don't really know -anyone else -personally-- who did it as much as I did. Even when I got with Cookie it was the same general story...multiple times a day. But with Val, we had a record. Seven times in seven hours. It wasn't bad. She never beat it...neither did I.
But the sex was wonderful. Christ. At least with Val, it was. Eventually with her the lust kinda dwindled, but it was always stronger than what I ended up with in the relationship with Cookie. In the second relationship, eventually it felt more and more like abuse. Especially because of the negative reinforcement that happened any time I wasn't in the mood. When we got back together for a short time after breaking up, the lust was rekindled completely...those were the strongest feelings I probably ever had...maybe she knew that would be the case. All the better to rip my heart out after.
The drugs...well, marijuana. I never really got myself into anything else. Luckily, my post about mushrooms still exists...although I'd probably have to search very hard for the text file containing what I wrote while on them. It was a message to my self, because I knew I'd never figure it out without having heard it from the self that is in the spirit realm. I remember the first time I went back and read some of my old journals, I wished I could go back and help my self out...go back and let who I was then know that everything will end up okay, and that there was really no need to think that I was so undesirable that I would be forever doomed to singledom. Actually, I should be reminding myself of that nowadays as well, but I think it's harder when it's the present.
There was always a conflict in me with regards to the marijuana use. I desired it, but at the same time, I desired to not have it. I wanted to be able to do it freely - but at the same time, I didn't. I didn't actually use it that often though, compared to just about any of the people I know who smoke it. Very rarely did I have stages where I used continuously, day in day out...and that is something my ex Val ended up doing after me, and as far as I know, continues to do to this day.
Anyway: the real kicker.
The real kicker is that the number of people reading my journal regularly and commenting completely went through the basement floor once I got into a relationship. Around the time I hooked up with Val, looking back, I had all -kinds- of interest in me...and that's just the general feeling from the multitudes of comments I received, and the numerous -women- who stumbled on my journal and kept reading, commenting, etc.
But where the hell did I ever get the idea that I wasn't desirable, or that I wasn't something worth anything? How could I take four years where I -was- highly desirable, so much so that apparently Cookie stuck with the relationship long after she wanted out, and just throw it away...and decide to contradict everything it taught me about myself?
There are men who are virgins older than myself - even ones that haven't had kisses, or have never been in a relationship. It's a terrible fucking thing, -but I'm not one of those.- I'm a guy who seemed to draw a lot of interest everywhere he went, as long as people -got to know him.-
And that's really the thing. I haven't let people get to know me for a long time...and the reason? Because while in relationships, I close myself off. And I have yet to repair that damage to my mindset.
Very interesting, indeed.
I think twenty ten is going to be a very fucking interesting year.
But back to what happened, eh? Jesus.
At the end of 2005, I enrolled at JCC. I was trying to get into some four-years, but I waited too long - see, the partying and fucking and drugs kinda got in the way, or if you will, the relationship. I wanted to stay close to my love.
I don't remember much about what classes I took when. As for the whole experience, I remember Ellen and John the most, as well as Abby - whom I should really email and wish a happy new year, and see if she wants to talk now (I tried talking a few months ago but she was very busy, and I imagine my last email got buried.) We chatted a bit here and there...she's a big fan of Noam Chomsky, and even though she was my professor, I feel like I'm on her level enough to be a friend.
Val left me after my first year was complete, during the summer. One month after I landed my first full time job...coincidence?
As I noted in the decade post, that summer after my first semester I met a girl, and reacquainted myself with Cookie. I also quit my job right after Val left me, after little over a month of work or so. So this would be the year 2006.
Things were great for that year, and the following. Things didn't start going downhill until 2008, right after I graduated (5 semesters.) The relationship was filled mostly with me getting to know her very well...us spending lots of time alone together...and me getting to know her grandparents. But at first, she was living at her mothers...and that was just a bad situation all around.
Somehow I feel like me graduating and not finding a job immediately had something to do with it all. I think maybe she expected a lot more out of a college grad, even if it was only an Associates degree. This area just isn't meant for guys like me, though. Hence the tow truck guy with an A.A.
Maybe it wasn't really the event horizon of a black hole after all. I just wish I would've taken notice of the positive side of it all, instead of focusing on the negative for so long.
