I Read.

[sathor]

I read all of my entries from the beginning of this journal until the point where I deleted - which is to say, roughly from the beginning of 2001 to the end of 2004. I was very disappointed when I reached the beginning of 2008...suddenly. I really wish I wouldn't have deleted those three years. Seriously. I can't reconstruct that. It is utterly horrifying.

The first thing that comes to mind is how much I developed in my writing over the years. I have to say, there is no doubt that I have come a miraculously large distance. I have come from what appears to be your average every day teenager to a juggernaut intellectual, with a powerful command of the English language, a degree of ability with metaphor and symbolism, and a huge heart, if misanthropic at times...but only when I forget about how I got here.

The second thing that comes to mind is just how many people read my journal. And it begs the question, how many still read it? Does Hav still stop by occasionally? Does the one who called me White Knight still read it? Do all of the anonymous, random people that discovered it and were intrigued read it? Does Cb01 still read it, even if she hasn't posted in five years? Cichli (Coax, my fellow musician!), Val? Cookie? Rhyian? Phyrra? Geoffry?

I know Chaos reads it, even if he only rears his head to punch me in the face :D But that punch is always much appreciated, because I damn well need it occasionally.

I know you read it still, Shauna.

I know you still read, Sendao, even if you never show yourself. I -know-.

I know you read it, Julia. I love that name. So beautiful.

I know you still read it, Noxi, although I'll never know why. Maybe it is because somewhere in that heart of yours, there is a place for me...maybe you know deep down that we are very much alike, even if we've never gotten close enough to see it.

It's amazing really, and the list is much longer than that. Back then, I was different than I am now - by leaps and bounds. I was concerned about my appearance to people...my sociability. Back then, I was far less capable of commanding the english language. I see words used in places they shouldn't be - like a young mind who has a great command already, but hasn't figured out the instances in which that command is necessary. Back then I was worried cyber school would destroy me socially. It did in a way, but it rendered me more powerful, beautiful, unique and educated in other respects. In the three years I deleted lay my experiences at JCC...what I wrote down, anyway. Half of my relationship with Val, and my entire relationship with Cookie. It is telling in a way, that I removed them from it.

Looking upon it from the perspective of the now, I see the event horizon of a black hole. Those relationships, while beautiful and wonderful, were also a bane to what I am to become. And that is, of course, a famous musician, writer and speaker. Of this, I have no doubt. But maybe it is not that they were a bane at all...rather they were the source of it. Without those experiences, -I- wouldn't be the human I am. I wouldn't understand the pains of my fellow men and women. I wouldn't understand a great deal about life. That would be so much more unfortunate than me having experienced a perfect world.

I love you, Cookie and Val. I love you both, and I always will. I love you too Cass, and I think you know that - I think you secretly wish that things were different. But they couldn't be, because if they were, I wouldn't be a musician and a philosopher about to break through every single boundary that ever existed for the poor and middle class, lacking in connection and visibility in all manners.

That's right, you are hearing the first positive affirmation in a very long time. I am going to be something huge, and the reason I know it is because of what I've seen in my past. I have seen all manner of random people stumble on this journal and find something in it that appealed to them. I am a man who draws attention, and that is exactly the kind of man that the greats all were. I make wonderful music, so beautiful, so attractive, so evocative. It was not always that way, but it has certainly come a long way itself. Chaos, you would be amazed if you heard some of my first songs. Amazed at what can be done in such a short time.

I am a genius. I am amazing. I am going to do great things with my life - and one day, there will be a woman who can handle what and who I am, and she will love me with all of her heart - and I too will love her with mine. This is merely the nature of reality that must come to pass for me. It is inevitable, looking at my history. In fact, one might say I'd be better off being a polygamist, considering my history.

I love all of you. Please leave a message if you still read - although I know some of you will not, because you do not view this regularly.

And please, check out http://www.myspace.com/socialshock. This is not a way for me to plug myself, but rather, if you have not listened to Angel (In Fear) you really should. It is my best work to date, my most emotional, and in my opinion, my most riveting and powerful.

Love and Peace

Jake

Comments

[freefall127.livejournal.com]

i think of you as The Misanthropist.